A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I moved in with my boyfriend to then find out he had been cheating on me with several women throughout our entire relationship. I have since tried to trust but told him it will take some extra steps on his part to help me rebuild the confidence. He now is angry I check his phone and has locked me out of all accounts and his phone. He claims its because hes sick of me accusing of something he isnt doing and I'm quesitoning his honor. Yet he continues to be secretive and I had found he was communicating with some of thses women up to his locking me out. Then he decided to go out with the boys and wouldnt answer text or calls but blamed me for hounding him and he needed to get out. He swears he is faithful but refuses an open book relationship. Am I wrong to feel there should be nothing hidden? I wouldnt be checking if his word was good with me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): I think there's too much of a vicious cycle going on now that you can't get out of.
He started it by cheating on you multiple times. you have every right to be paranoid and be checking up on him.
However, it's possible that depending on how paranoid you became (which you cannot be blamed for), it could have made him feel stifled. Yes he did bring this on himself, it was his fault and he has no right to be hiding anything given his past infidelity. BUT, feelings are feelings whether or not one has the "right" to be feeling them, they are there and they influence behavior.
Feeling stifled makes him snap back at you and be defensive and push you away to get breathing space. Yes he has no right to do this because it's his fault. But again, feelings are feelings and you can't just wish them away, and if they can't be controlled they will affect outward behavior.
Of course this makes you even more paranoid and makes you check up on him even more.
it's a vicious cycle where you obviously don't trust him (and no one can blame you for that) but he also resents you even though he started all the problems.
I think you should end it and move on, or if both are you are sincere about trying to salvage the relationship you would probably need some counseling (individual and couples).
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): No, you aren't wrong. Hiding and "secrets" lead to large damages in relationships.
End it.
Move out.
Get professional help if you have issues, don't rely on him.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (15 December 2010):
I think you need to just end it with him. Al he's done is cheat, and he's done nothing since then to make you feel reassured. In fact, all he's done is lock you out, which probably means he's cheating again. You know you don't have to allow men like him to treat you like crap for the rest of your life. You can dump him and find someone much better.
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A
male
reader, DKW +, writes (15 December 2010):
How did you find out about the cheating? If you were looking at his phone before you had suspicion, then your relationship really was doomed from the start.
If not, then please leave this man now. He is treating you like an idiot, you do not trust each other, neither of you is happy, in short there is nothing there.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): no, you're not wrong. a relationship SHOULD be completely open.
you really do deserve to move on from this guy and find someone who treats your right. his behaviour is disgusting and staying with him is almost degrading on your part.
sticking around with this guy is almost asking for hurt
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