A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:i've been with my girlfriend for a long time now. we've had our fair share of problems and always managed to stick together to work through them. the problem with this is that when we argue like we have, we both lose our sex drive. so for a long time now, we've hardly had sex. i know we are still attracted to one another but the drive is just really low. it's like fighting just shuts us down.so last night we went out together to a bar, and got dropped off at our place afterwards by our DD. we went in and had sex for the first time in literally probably 6 months. thing is, she got off, i didn't. when she got hers, she got up, went to the bathroom, came back, laid down, said "thanks", and fell asleep. i was in complete shock. after not having had sex in so long i couldn't believe for one, she didn't care about me getting anything. and two, that she didn't even kiss me goodnight or anything. just laid down like a man on a one night stand and said thanks and fell asleep immediately.i told her i was really, really upset with her. that i'd personally had one night stands much more respectful than that. and that i was in shock that after so long without sex, she'd behave like that afterwards. it hurt me in a way i didn't expect. it just really belittled me and made me feel really small. nobody has ever made me feel like that, and i never expected my long time girlfriend to be the one to do it. she keeps downplaying it saying that she was joking and she was just drunk and really tired. but the thing is, when someone is joking, usually they will turn back around and let you know they're just playing. she literally said thanks, and was out in less than 3 seconds. my question is this: am i in the wrong for being upset? do i have a right to feel this hurt by it or am i over-reacting?
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drunk, one night stand, sex drive Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks to those that actually had insightful answers. i appreciate it very much.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 June 2011):
 But you do care about the reciprocation. You have been lying to yourself if you told yourself you were okay with it. She did what she does 2/3 of the time, which is go right to sleep after you get her off. She assumes you are okay with it because you've been okay with it for so long. To her, the status quo is, "gf gets me off, I stay awake and return the favor once in a while, enough to keep her happy but most of the time, I just go to sleep." You've been quietly and patiently waiting for her to change that pattern but she had no need to do so, you've stuck it out for this long, why would things suddently change?
Basically, you have given your tacit consent to the status quo of orgasms 1/3 of the time for you, 100% of the time for her. She sounds a bit selfish, but hey, you put up with it!
So what do you do now? Sit her down and explain that the status quo is not acceptable and is a problem for you and that you can't envision tolerating this situation for the rest of your life. And then listen to what she has to say.
"i never cared about reciprocation, so long as she was happy the majority of the time. making her feel good made me feel good." But then that no longer makes you happy. You've come to realize that in fact, it does bug you, the apparent selfishness she displays all the time. The relationship has become rocky, this is just one area where you two are really having trouble connecting. The fighting and lack of sex is a sign that you have some unresolved conflicts. Maybe you need a mediator to work out the differences; maybe you two need to work on how to fight fairly.
You're not going to get anywhere, though, without having an in-depth, calm and loving conversation about why things aren't working between you. Do your best to fight fairly. Google how to fight fairly and then both of you agree to abide by that in this discussion that is coming up.
Good luck to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): She was drunk. Maybe she couldn't think clearly. Some people aren't good in expressing so much to their partners because they know you love them a lot. You should give space to each other and let her win the arguments. Make it better on you're side. Listen to what she has to say. Spend time with her. Thatll make her feelings strong and shell express it when you have sex.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmaybe i'm just not making myself clear really. or maybe i really am over reacting and not wanting to admit it to myself.back before we fell into hard times we had an extremely healthy sex life. we had sex on a daily basis, multiple times a day. back then when she'd just pass out afterwards, i didn't care. it wasn't a problem because we didn't have a problem with sex in our relationship. in fact, she'd just fall asleep practically 100% of the time after sex. our "routine" would be that most often, i would get her off, then about 1/3 of the time she would give back in return. i never cared about reciprocation, so long as she was happy the majority of the time. making her feel good made me feel good.within the last year, we've had a lot of problems that's really diminished our sex life. to the point where it's literally nonexistent. we've talked about it and how we both would like to make it better. we have only had sex probably less than five times this year. two of which have been in the last month. slowly things are getting better. but being that it's been so long since we've been intimate together, my mentality is that it should be reciprocated, and if not reciprocated, than definitely not where the other person says "thanks" and falls asleep. afterall, we're trying to work on our sex life together...i see the perspective of being in a loving relationship so you should understand that they love you, but they're just tired. but to me, if we're having problems of this magnitude, i can't imagine doing that to her. i can't imagine us never having sex, then the one time we do, getting mine, thanking her, and rolling over and passing out. like i said, it would be different to me were we in a sexually healthy relationship. not one that's sexually hurting.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011):
You sound like a very angry person and a little egotistical, too. You get her off every single time? Somehow I doubt that's true.
If you always gets her off and she rarely gets you off then the problem is a lot deeper than the nature of your question.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): FFs when I have sex when I'm drink no matter how good it is I just fall asleep usually get over it, and I'm talking about sex on a loving relationship .
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionand no, there has NEVER been a time when we've had sex that she hasn't gotten off. i always get her off first and go without the majority of the time. so while i appreciate your response, your facts are way off.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhey dude, i'm not a guy...i'm a girl. pay more attention
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011): You are overreacting and it was really silly to mention one night stands you had. Good job there, guy. Now you may not get laid for another sex months. To top it off, she was drunk and probably was tired and feeling very relaxed after. Think of how many times she has probably had sex with you and didn't get off when you did. I guarantee this has happened even if she faked it for you, but that doesn't mean she didn't enjoy it just like I am sure you enjoyed it.I have been in a very similar situation where I did not have sex for along time with my girlfriend and when we did she got off and didn't want to return the favor. I then started to jerk off at least hoping to cum on her and she told me to go elsewhere to do that. It happens. Be glad you got that far and then the next morning ask her if she minds returning the favor sometime soon. In short, you do have a right to feel a little miffed, but you are way overreacting. It would have been better to tell her you are glad she enjoyed herself and that there's more where that came from. Then tell her how sexy she was, how much she turned you on and how much you enjoyed it before asking her when you will get a chance to do that again. If I were you, I'd apologize to her for being a jerk.
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