A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This autumn will be 6 years married, 7 years in the same relationship and i will be 26. My girl is really good to me, but she is really overweight. I figured eventually she could lose weight, but there's never been any motivation. I've tried being critical, and I've also tried being understanding. I think over the years my non-judgmental style has helped her let go. I guess i've gotten shallow or something, she looks pretty good with make-up, but nothing i do will inspire her to wear it all the time, and i feel bad for pushing it on her anyway. She's a really great friend, and there are times where i get really turned on, but I can't help but wonder what's out there. It's become a big turn-off that she doesn't care about her appearance, and her health. It doesn't help that her father kinda forced us to get married, I don't really, even after everything, feel like i chose her. I was really depressed when we first met and these days I'm really confident, sometimes maybe too confident for her. Am I a jerk for wondering if she'll ever care about her appearance?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2009): It's always interesting to see these questions... women complaining about their husbands' appearance seem to get a more sympathetic response than men complaining about their wives. However, just because weight is a sensitive issue with women doesn't mean the issue should just be avoided like, dare I say it, the "elephant in the room." We are evolutionarily hard-wired to prefer attractive mates because physical beauty and symmetry were generally indicators of a healthy mate. Shallow, sure, but it's not something anyone can just override. The problem is that beauty standards have changed nowadays, so we feel that gravitational attraction to body types that are less natural and harder to maintain.I see a couple separate issues here, but I think the main one is your feeling that on some level you didn't really choose to marry her or have a choice in the matter. I'm betting you have been frustrated about this for some time and the weight issue is where those suppressed feelings have focused. You resent her because she's not the person you married and because you see other possibilities out there. Try to set aside your newfound interest in checking out other women, at least for the time being. You are going to have to evaluate your marriage as objectively as you can and the result need not be clouded by visions of skinny girls in skimpy clothing.Why are you with her? You say her father forced the marriage somewhat. Do you love her? If, and here is the key...IF she changed her appearance, would that resolve the problems you are feeling now? If not, they go deeper than her weight and that has just become a lightning rod for the issue. If you seriously believe that her losing a few pounds will fix the problems and your wandering eye...well, you're somewhat shallow then, but theoretically the problem can be fixed. Motivate her. Stock the house with healthy food. Try cooking for her, not the other way around...that way you have some say in what's on the menu. Take her for walks or enjoy other activities together that will allow you to be physically active and help satisfy the courtship need at the same time. And recognize that she's not going to change overnight. Dropping two pounds may not be a visible change to you but if she mentions it, congratulate her. Tell her she's looking better in those jeans. Whatever it takes.If dropping the weight won't change your stifled feelings, though, do both of you a favor and get a divorce. Good luck
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 June 2009):
 You are being a JERK if her weight is what makes you think that looking at other women is ok. Everyone looks at other people besides their spouses. It's HOW you look and what you do about it that really counts towards being a jerk or not.
Don't forget that the two of you have reached the "7 year itch" spot as well. This is the time where a LOT of marriages and relationship crash. Have you thought about reconnecting and COURTING your wife?
Personally it sounds like you are looking for a way out or for an excuse to cheat. Or maybe you are just lazy. Sorry but marriage and relationship takes WORK. ALL the time and from BOTH parties.
I think you actually know the answer to your own questions.
It's time for you to Shit or get off the POT.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2009): I personally feel that yes, you should feel like a jerk. Partly because yes, this is shallow as & because you married her in the 1st place, fooling her into thinking you loved her, when infact you only married her cos you felt pressured. This is wrong, I'd hate it if a man did that to me. You should feel like a jerk, because you married someone you clearly do not love, and now, want other women.
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A
female
reader, anjie +, writes (18 June 2009):
Jerk or not? It sounds like you know the answer to that question. It sounds like your conscience is speaking to you but you don't want to listen to it. You already know your thoughts are wrong or you would not be struggling with it. I think what you are looking for here is for someone to tell you "no, your not a jerk, you deserve a hot woman to fullfil you and you can justify that because you were pressured into marrying her. Honestly beauty is fleeting and if you get what your fantasizing for its not going to be all that you think it is. There is a mound of heartache waiting for you down that rode. Not to mention for her and especially if there are children involved. I think you stood at that alter and said your I do's I don't think someone else did that. Marital Commitment is strong. Rent the movie Fireproof and hopefully this well help bring things into perspective. I am praying that your lives won't be broken.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (18 June 2009):
 Would you be better off with her or without her? You decide. I don't think you are being a jerk really but it was stupid of you to get married if you were not totally gung ho at the idea. You just have to do some hard thinking and decide what course you need to take. No "courting" behind her back by the way. Do the right thing.
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A
female
reader, timetoheal +, writes (18 June 2009):
 Sounds like you are really just looking for excuses to let go of this relationship. If you constantly put her down, she will eat cause she is depressed. But if you dont say anything she will never know youcare. Do you really care? Or is it a escape for you? How is your health? Are you overweight as well?
Don't feel like a jerk if you are really doing it cause you love her and don't want to desire other women, BUT if you are doing it to make yourself look good when you are with her or because you think that will magically bring the love rushing to your heart...then do feel like a jerk.
During ALL of our marriage I was overweight, my husband NOT once put me down, but instead encouraged me...when you see that she gets sad that her favorite dress doesn't fit her anymore, use those moments to encourage her and say "Honey, dont get sad, let's do something about it" "I'll support whatever you want to do" -- Regardless , "I love you, but I want you to feel good about yourself" --WOW! those words, motivated me--I have lost 50 pounds in 3 months...I use to be 200 pounds and now am 150. I use to wear size 16/18 - NOW I wear size 6 or 8 now...HE IS SO HAPPY, I AM SO HAPPY! But he motivated me with encouragement and love, not insults and disgust, he taught me to do it for ME , not for anyone else...
Find out the real reason you are unhappy, it most possible has nothing to do with her weight...cause when a man really loves a woman he loves her regardless, but because he loves her he seeks her well-being with love and encouragement...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionbut am i a jerk for feeling this way? I can't stop fantasizing about other women all the time. I also really want to try courting someone. I didn't really pursue her when we met. It was almost like she sold me the relationship. I've just been raised to not care about looks, but my family is fat too. I'm not sure if this slight shallowness is healthy? I don't really want to do all that stuff you mentioned for her. I'm not sure if I'm a bad person for that either
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni'm not talking about things i could do, i've already done and thought of things i could do, THE QUESTION was whether or not i should feel like a jerk for not wanting to do that. if i should feel like a jerk for constantly thinking of other women, only fantasizing about other people alllllllllll the time.
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A
female
reader, desirewhitefire  +, writes (18 June 2009):
 I think Honeypie gave you the best advice. Just encourage her.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 June 2009):
I think it happens a lot when people reach a weight where they aren't really happy about themselves that they give up. Thinking there is nothing I can do.
However you being critical of her ONLY makes it worse. That can lead down the road of depression and self loathing. Not a good thing for anyone.
How about you sit down and tell her all the things you like about her. Tell her that your biggest concern is her health. IF she is willing then HELP her loose weight. Make sure she sees a doctor first to rule out any medical reasoning for the weight. Such as hormonal imbalance, pregnancy... Then maybe suggest she joins weight watchers. Join with her if that can help. Be ACTIVE with her. Don't just sit on the sofa thinking she needs to loose weight, not get both your tails out there, go for long walks, hike, swim. Park FAR from the store. Make it YOUR goal to get out and walk 45 minutes EVERY day with her.
Make it YOUR priority to SHOW her you care and love her.
Give her compliments when she does look good. ( but don't gush that just seems fake). Let her know big or small that you love and adore her. It's not about her weight really, it's about her giving a DAMN about herself and you.
Make-up don't make a person. But as a woman I can tell you I feel better if I do take 5 minutes to slap a little on my face before leaving the house, even if it's only a little mascara and lip gloss.
If she is depressed ( and she might not admit that to you right away) then there are medications that can help, but things like exercise can do WAY more then little pills.
Be her support. Be her motivator. Be her reason to get healthy. Don't tear her down.
PS, maybe the two of you can find a place that have courses in healthy cooking, then do that together. If not, then you know what? Take some time and do some research of your own. If she joins weight watcher have them HELP you with the nutritional side of it. They have a lot of resources on the web for members.
Most of all. Do this out of love. Not because you think all women should be skinny bitches.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (18 June 2009):
 I see a couple of red flags here:
1) not once did you mention you love her
2) you married her expecting her to change
3) you were not 100% committed to marrying her
Instead you pushed down your true feelings and married her anyway. In a way you are doing both of yourselves a disservice. I think it's time to be honest with her and tell her how you feel, and there is a mighty good chance she will dump you. That's probably for the best...she can find a man who honestly accepts her and you can find someone that you're attracted to.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2009): but am i a jerk for feeling this way? I can't stop fantasizing about other women all the time. I also really want to try courting someone. I didn't really pursue her when we met. It was almost like she sold me the relationship. I've just been raised to not care about looks, but my family is fat too. I'm not sure if this slight shallowness is healthy? I don't really want to do all that stuff you mentioned for her. I'm not sure if I'm a bad person for that either.
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A
female
reader, Lilly Rose  +, writes (18 June 2009):
 Well you need the attraction in the relationship to make things work......if shes over weight and doesnt seem to care about the way she looks, could be she is depressed.....so think of how you felt when you was depressed, u usually have no motivation and just dont care.....so talk to her, maybe go for walks with her get her doing some exercise, then cook her healthy meals etc also you could buy her a nice dress or top and take her out somewhere, don't be negative towards her as she will prob just get more depressed and see no way out! Try get to the deeper issue of her weight gaining and lack of care in her appearance! Be supportive like she must of been when she met you when you was once depressed!
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