A
female
age
41-50,
*heblues79
writes:OP's own title: Ok so to it keep short...my husband has never really trusted me due to me cheating on him before we got married. We've been married 9yrs now and I have been faithful. Recently he told me that a source of his told him that I have cheated on him and of course he believes it. He will not tell me what was said or who said it only that its my word against this other person. I feel like I have the right to know who and what was said especially since it is a false accusation. He says it doesnt matter...Does it matter? Do I have a right to know? Should I be upset or let it go? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, GFOK +, writes (1 August 2010):
It's hard to know how someone really will react to cheating, and that's why it's better to avoid it like the plague. It may be that your husband is still deeply affected by what you did a long time ago, and someone is just messing with him about it now (people can be cruel and want to mess up your happiness). You and your husband can overcome your pre-marital mistakes but only if both of you are willing to work hard. Make sure he knows you are deeply committed to him, and refrain from stuff like going on wild Vegas weekends with friends. Only you can decide if your husband is worth the work.
A
female
reader, Lotsalove. +, writes (1 August 2010):
 I agree with TimmD! You gotta let this man go now. Cheating as payback to your cheating can just cause a long lifetime of misery. What if you cheated again to get back at his cheating? Then he does it because you cheated again? This could go on for months, years...! I know your married and so walking away is that little bit harder, but can you live with this man guilt tripping you forever?
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (29 July 2010):
 He's already cheated on you in the past as "payback"? Ok, now more things are coming out. Honestly? Your marriage is in trouble. Cheating is one thing. You made a mistake before, fine. But to cheat as payback? That is incredibly unhealthy for a relationship and once that happened back then... your relationship was over. His behavior now only further proves that.
I'm sorry, but a relationship cannot work without trust and it seems neither of you trust each other.
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A
female
reader, Theblues79 +, writes (28 July 2010):
Theblues79 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk so since I am so upset by this I told him that things will not be the same until I know who or what was said about me. Since he thinks it doesnt matter and that telling me would cause 1 of 2 things to happen...I will confront the person and/or I will become more careful around this person...he is chosing to live in misery with me instead of telling me because I just cant let it go and act as if 1 of his friends didnt just falsely accuse me of cheating! He also cheated on me as a payback for my cheating so now I think I am going to confront him about if he has done it again but this time without just cause.
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A
female
reader, Lotsalove. +, writes (28 July 2010):
Come onnnnn, its been 9 Years!! You seem honest that you haven't cheated since before you got married and therefore thats 9 years +. As you claim you haven't cheated, that means your husband is either lying or his 'source' is.
It sounds more like your husband is lying because either he wants you to feel like you've been busted and confess for something, Or like TimmD said, theres something deeper to his accusations i.e he's cheating on you and wants to justify it. Which he could well be if he's still holding this grude 9 years later.
If i was you, I'd stand my ground and say 'Believe what you want but I haven't cheated on you'. Keep it calm and he'll either step down or walk away (If he is playing you).
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A
female
reader, straight to the truth  +, writes (28 July 2010):
yes it may be your word against this annonymous person but he has been married to you for 9 years so he should believe you.
You have every right to know because whoever it is is simply trying to cause trouble and come between you and if that is the case then you need to know who it is.
Its either that or he suspects something himself and he is trying to catch you out and make you confess to something without actually knowing anything.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (28 July 2010):
Of course you have the right to know. Our society is built on "Innocent until proven guilty" so you should at least have a chance to defend yourself. Yes, you cheated before you were married and that eliminates giving you the benefit of the doubt... but you need to be able to defend yourself.
My advice based on the info you provided is this: Don't get mad that he doesn't believe you. Because you cheated previously you cannot get mad. You can be hurt, but not mad. Tell him you know you cheated before and that you understand he's doubting you, but tell him you are innocent and would at least like the chance to be able to prove your innocence. If he doesn't even give you a chance, then it's his problem. At that point there may be some deeper meaning to his accusations, like him maybe cheating on you and wanting to justify it. I'm not saying he is.... but a normal person doesn't make accusations without letting you defend yourself.
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