A
male
age
36-40,
*lternateone23
writes:Me and my girlfriend had been together for 4 years. It was getting to the point in the relationship where I had to decide if I was going to marry this person or not. In thinking about this for a while I became really confused and asked to take a break to figure out if she was the one I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. During our "break" I met another girl who I clicked with. We started getting to know each other and spent time together and we kissed a few times. However after a few weeks me and the other girl decided it would be best if we didn't continue the relationship because I still hadn't decided what my future held. A few weeks later my "ex" and I decided to try and work on things and I didn't tell her about the relationship I had while we were on break. She recently found out about the relationship and I had to own up to what I had done. I agree it was a mistake to hang out with another girl so soon after taking a break but I was confused emotionally. Now my ex claims I was cheating on her and she can never forgive me for what I did. As far as the other girl and I went was kissing, and I thought my ex and I were on break. Am I wrong to not feel like I cheated on her? I apologized for not telling her about the relationship and I told her it was a big mistake and it helped me realize she was the one I wanted to be with but she says that she could never be with me after that? What do I do here?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010): please realise this: she is hurt that you could move on without her so soo after spending 4 years with her. whether you technically cheated or not is not the real issue. you moved on so quickly. it means that you were not as committed to her as she was with you. have some compassion for your girlfriend. put yourself in her shoes. you should have told her you hooked up with some one else while you both were on a break. the reason you were not honest was you knew how she would react and you knew that she would be devastated. and she is. you could have averted all this drama if only you were honest from the start.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 July 2010):
 THIS is why I think taking a "break" from a relationship is pointless.
You didn't "technically" cheat on her. But you DID assume that being on a break means being single and unattached.
I think what is hurting her the most is the speed which you started to see someone else. You didn't go on a "break" you "broke up" and moved on.
All you can do is sit down and talk to her.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (25 July 2010):
I'm sure your girlfriend was assuming that this "break" was so that you could get your head together and figure out what you want...not go and date someone else for a few weeks and make that a deciding factor that you want to be with your girlfriend. It would make me think that you wanted to just date because you were bored and now that you got it out of your system--you want her back. Even if you said it was just kissing, I doubt she believes you. I wouldn't.
If you were on a break, that means that you were broken up. I personally don't believe in breaks, I think they're pointless and whatever problems were there before will be there again. I wouldn't consider it cheating; however, your girlfriend was probably under the impression that you were trying to figure out what you wanted to do with the relationship and not out dating and kissing other girls.
So now you just need to leave her alone for a bit. Let her have some time to figure out what she wants to do now. I think you should let her know that you still want her and love her but you'll give her space and time to figure out if she still wants to be with you. In the end, it's not about whether what you did was cheating or not, but what you did that made you come to some enlightening decision that she was the one you want to be with. It's actually probably rather insulting to her.
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A
male
reader, ManAfterChrist +, writes (25 July 2010):
 Well... I think it was a selfish move, but you already acknowledge that. I actually empathize with her more than you, and understand where she is coming from. This is a big blow to her, but if you truly want her then you now have to fight for it. There is no "Oh babe I'm sorry I didn't tell you but let's just go back to where we were". It's going to take stronger dedication and motivation on your part.
I hope everything works out. I apologize for not being able to give better advice.
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