A
female
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anonymous
writes:Dear Cupids.I have a complicated problem. I met a wonderful guy four years ago, when I started university. We proceeded to have a great relationship, if somewhat immature.(considering that we were 17 and 20 when we met. ) Last year, absolute chaos hit my life, my father was diagnosed with lung cancer and sadly passed away months after the diagnosis; three weeks after this, our house was set fire to, and burned down to the ground. Prior to this, I was in a happy, young bubble. The fact that my guy had graduated and left to work abroad a few weeks before dad was diagnosed meant that we were maintaining a long-distance relationship over the 5 months which dad was diagnosed, he passed away and the house burned. My mother was also in and out of hospital, with stress etc and I had to deal with a lot before i had even digested the fact that my dad was gone. Aside from this, I suffered from severe anxiety. When the university year started in september i decided to break it off with my man as I felt that we had grown apart and that he hadn't been there when he should have been. WE already had problems but as I was young, I hoped that time would resolve them and I very much looked up to him and thought I loved him which is why I wanted to stay with him. Now, he took the breakup very badly. He refused to acknowledge my existence and whenever he did, he would be very upset and it made it difficult. I explained that I was so lost, that I was mentally and emotionally overloaded AND exhausted. Anyway, I started to let off steam by drinking, smoking, having casual sex with a few people; needed to offload somehow, without having to be in a heavy relationship. then,suddenly, in January, we had a huge fight and what felt like our first real conversation. WE connected for the very first time, and I started to have some kind of feelings for him again, we got closer and while we didnt put a label on it, we were kind of seeing how things would go, if there was a chance to fix; now, he does value honesty above everything else and because i knew just how hurt he would be, when he asked me if i had slept with anyone since we broke up, i denied it. As much as I realise that it was wrong of me not to be honest, I really didnt see what admitting to having slept with others would achieve. anyways, fastforward six months later, and he calls me, angry. He has logged into my facebook account and my hotmail account to see "what was going on " because I had seemed "moody" for a few days. He has seen an email exchanged between me and a guy I slept with in November 2009 (much before the time My ex and I decided to see how it goes); however,this email was exchanged only a few days ago, and said guy had happened to mention that "it would be a crime not to have sex again because it was amazing fun"...I replied to his mail, did slightly dodge his forwardness, but did say, yeah it was fun. (because it was)...Sometimes when the pain of losing everything makes my head almost explode, empty dirty chat to a stranger from class is a method of coping for me. because it distracts me. but it doesnt mean anything.anyway, my ex is now not talking to me for being dishonest with him about having sex and also for sending emails to this guy. Problem is: this guy doesn't mean anything to me, but my ex is the most important to me today. I have much deeper feelings for my ex than I ever had. Unfortunately, he cant decide whether he can "forgive" me or not. Does he have anything to forgive me for? Am I in the wrong? How do I get him to see it ffrom my point of view?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you everyone, very kind of all of you to respond so usefully. I understand that it is not right that I lied, but as for this lie, omisssion, whatever we call it, it is true that it was not relevant at all to what's happening between us now. i knew that it would break him if I told him I had been with someone else, he is the kind of person who picks a partner for life, he doesn't understand casual sex.
Also, I forgot to mention that a couple of months ago, when he asked me again whether I had had sex with anyone else, I omitted the fact that I had slept with others, but I did imply I had, I told him that the past was called the past for a reason and that sometimes, it is best not knowing the exact truth, if it means it will cause much more harm than good. then, he did kind of gather what I meant, and let it go to some extent, so this is why it makes me angry that even though on a literal level, he knew that I hadn't been celibate while we were broken up, he still has the nerve to get this angry about it!! It's not like I ACTUALLY lied to him.
LazyGuy: im sorry if i gave the impression that I was deeply in love with this man the whole time. we were immature before, I loved him, but in a young way. It is only in the past six months, since we have really been getting to know each other that I have developed deep feelings for him. Also,I would say that I THINK that the casual sex and drinking was some kind of coping mechanism, trying to drown out the pain of having lost my dad and everything in my life. Hence, my sleeping with others had nothing to do with sex or love.
Rescuer: thanks for your refreshing perspective, I agree that I my personal stuff is MINE, nobody else's...besides, it is true, that many people lie about their sexual history. I just didn't tell him because we weren't together at the time. Had we been together, and had I been silly enough to cheat on him, I would without a doubt own up to that. But this was a dark period in my life, I was trying to cope and I didn't see why I had to admit to my personal issues.
He is now talking to me again and saying that he needs to regain his trust in me, whether we end up back together, ot not.
thanks everyone, much appreciated..
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2010): "now, he does value honesty above everything else and because i knew just how hurt he would be, when he asked me if i had slept with anyone since we broke up, i denied it"
What exactly can't you understand? He values honesty and you lied. Whatever you had is definitely over now. I mean it, it's history.
It seems quite disturbing to me that you don't seem at all concerned about the fact that you lied. As for getting him to see things your way, well, there's no way to do that because you're a liar and he's not.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (6 June 2010):
 Then why did you send the emails if he meant nothing to you?
You also claim to have been deeply in love with him all this time yet slept with others. That doesn't fit. Really, your email does NOT belong to a woman deeply in love with another man.
People can be very odd about fidelity. Because trust is an absolute. It either exists or it doesn't. Since you lied, he now probably feels he doesn't know when you are telling the truth anymore.
As I said, your email would not have been written by a woman in love with another man. That you did tells me that the two of you are clinging on to an idea of the past. You and your ex are trying to find out what could have been. But things have changed, you both moved on and sometimes you just can't go back anymore.
"How do I get him to see it ffrom my point of view?"
A very dangerous thought because it implies you are right and he is wrong. That might be true from an outsiders point of view but it is not how things work in a relationship. Not on this subject.
You both need to take a long hard look at each other and yourself and ask "Are we still the people we were when we first were attracted, if not is he/she still in love with that person and not with who I am now". Who do you/he care for? Persons that are gone?
Considering that you always had problems, perhaps it is for the best. Accept that it was puppy love and move onto something more mature. Either with each other, fresh and anew as people who now have the past of a mature people or on your own.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2010): The question is whether you actually lied to your BF or not.
If he never asked about it before seeing the story on facebook, and you (both) understood the breakup to be a full total "breakup", then he needs to take a pill and get over it now.
But omission and misleading on your part does count as lying. Either you intended to leave him thinking the correct story or the wrong one.
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