A
female
age
41-50,
*ittlesuziepie
writes:I have a question relating to family matters. I always get such good advise from everyone here so I trust that I will be led in the right direction on this question. My brother. He is 2 years younger than I. He has 4 kids. 3 girls and one boy and his son just came to live with him. He is 12. His mother abandoned him a long time ago and he was raised by his great grandmother. She died a year ago and my brother fought for custody. My brother treats his son like a step child. My brother barks orders at this kid. Won't allow him to have a second to relax. He got him doing work in the yard. Work in the house. Takes his one hour a day TV privilage away at the slightest whim. Its over board. My brother is never loving or encouraging to his son but his daughters can do what ever they want they are treated like gold. So tonight I stood up to my brother and in a kind way asked him to go easy and just let me take the kid to my house for the night. To get him away and my brother lashed out at me. The look in his eyes was scary. My brothers wife is afraid to say anything anymore and now I am discouraged. I can't give up because my poor nephew has already gone through so much pain with his mom and grandmother that I know my brother is further damaging his chance at a normal future. Its also hurts me so much to see his little blue eyes full of pain. All he wants is my brother to be his father. Should I pursue a sit down with my brother and demand he listen at the cost of my own pain and suffering? Am I wrong for even stepping in? Any help us appreciated as always. Thank you.
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female
reader, littlesuziepie +, writes (18 August 2008):
littlesuziepie is verified as being by the original poster of the question Here is an update. I got my nephew took him out for a ride. We talked. I let him know that my brother loves him dearly but that his father is under a ton of stress and this is new to him. His other children are under 5 and my nephew is a pre teen. I told him to try and understand that my brother means well wants him to be the best he can at life and is trying to mold him. I told the child to never ever think its his fault for any of my brothers anger. Of corse unless he does something terrible.
I warned him to never think less of himself. Ever. Reassured him that he is a great child. I would be so lucky to have a child like him and that he is worth love. I told him he was dealt some horrible things in life so far but that he can make it better.
He needs to wait. Give my brother some time to get situated. He is under loads of pressure due to a big move and new situation.
But always remember that he is an awesome child a good person and worth all the love in the world. And aunty will come visit one a year and have him come 2 visit me 2.
He is a resiliant child. So understanding and I now feel better knowing that we talked.
My brother on. The other hand. I think I will ease into the conversation. Take it slow. Add some comedy to the situation. This might work out if I keep that attitude and keep it light.
Thanks again guys.
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (18 August 2008):
 I wish you the best. Stay strong.
I would give one word of caution. Although you went through a similar experience as your nephew, and hence have a deep empathy, be careful not to put your experiences too directly onto him. Each of us is different, and whilst there are similarities, you are not the same as him, and your situations are different. Do not let your feelings about your childhood and your relationship with your mother and your brother cloud your judgement. You clearly have a good understanding of what is going on, act calmly and reasonably.
Give your brother compassion and understanding and you will succeed.
Good luck to you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2008): Hi,
I admire your courage to show care & compassion for your nephew....when you talked about seeing the pain in his eyes from his father treatment, "I" wanted to adopt him...
I'll say a prayer for you today. It's not easy to confront Family...but you showed maturity to not Argue with your brother...you're getting through , but it takes time for him to accept his behavior...you're a good sister & aunt.
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A
female
reader, littlesuziepie +, writes (18 August 2008):
littlesuziepie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGreat advise. Thank you so much. I needed to hear encouraging words before I go into battle for my nephew.
Family dynamics goes this way. Me and my brother have different fathers. Same mom. My step father (his dad) addopted me at age 4 so we have always been a tight family. Except the fact that my mom always treated my brother like gold and me like a step child. Hence my deep sympathy for my nephew and hightened sensitivity to my brothers actions.
My mom did chat with my brother about this and my brothers answer was yes. He has hatred and hard feelings for the child because of the mother. My mom said she can relate. She said Yvonne, that's me. She said I can relate because I went through that with you. Like it is ok to feel that way about a child.
Does no one relize the child is not responsible for the feeling the adults may have? Its not normal or acceptable. It hurts me to know that my family are such blind cold people. My mother has a degree in child psychology but I don't think she actually loves children enough to relate to them.
Anyways. My brother was a lazy slob as a child. Spoiled rotten. Yet he tells his kid he will be nothing but a looser unless he does what my brother tells him to do.
He basically runs this kid as a slave. Its terrifying. My brother and his wife and children are moving to the opposite side of the country in a week. How sad that I won't be there to make sure my nephew is safe.
This is my last chance. They are staying with my parents for this last week here and I have to do this now.
God help me. I will pray for strength. Remember all of your encouraging words and approach this in a calm clear way.
My brother is an angry person and I know he won't be so easy about this entire thing.
But if my nephews happiness and sanity costs me the relationship I have now with my brother then so be it.
I feel for this kid so much. I would rather raise him. I want to take him in.
I am have a very spoiled child. Rotten little princes because I over killed the love and attention to make up for her father leaving. I would be so lucky to have a child like my nephew and my brother just doesn't see it.
He actually told me how dare I say a word about his parrenting look at my own situation.
I cried but then realized I don't abuse my child. If anything she will be a strong woman with a great self worth. She will love herself and go for what she wants. I don't tare her down and break her.
Anyways I have gone on and on.
Thanks to everyone. I feel like I have such a good support system and back up. Thank you!!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 August 2008): You have received great advice from the previous postings; and yes, I agree with them; you have to do whatever you can to help this child; it will not be easy BUT you really don't have much choice; it will haunt you if you don't try your best;
If you can get your brother to go for counseling it might be the best all around and even if the little boy can get some counseling; but as "lexilou" suggested if your brother is not willing to co-operate; you might have to get the authorities involved.
THis will be very difficult for you and might cause immediate problems between you and your brother but longterm this is the best; for the childs sake don't delay it;
I suggest you have back up support before you confront your brother; maybe speak to his wife or other family members that can back you on this; if not make contact with the local social worker and ask her for advice and suggestions.
Be strong, best wishes; my thoughts are with you.
Keep us posted.
Lots of hugs and SMILES.
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A
female
reader, lexilou  +, writes (18 August 2008):
 Yes you are right to step in, the boy has already suffered and your brother is taking out whatever frustrations he has on the poor child. He needs help to see what he is doing. Could you get other family members involved to try and make your brother realise how damaging towards the child his behaviour is.
I suspect it wont be easy for him to change, he has to know where these feelings are coming from and I suggest counselling as he may be able to talk to a stranger more openly than a family member. Please tell him he must get help on this matter, I think if he wont then you maybe have to take matters into your own hand in case this turns physical and he hurts the child, that may mean calling the authorities but you cant stand back and watch a child treated this way x
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (18 August 2008):
I wanted to add one other thing. Your brother may be angry at his son because he's angry at his son's mother. Which would be understandable given what she did.
My first girlfriend was treated very badly by her mother because she was still angry at her father. Her mother's newer children by her current husband were treated much better. In the end, even though i was only a teenager, I ended up in some very confrontational situations over this. But sadly, in the end, her mother could never let go of that anger and it both poisoned her and caused permanent damage to her daughter. I wish in retrospect other adults had been more involved, like you are trying to do now.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (18 August 2008):
I think you are right for stepping in, well done for doing so. This is family, and with family it's always your right to get involved. You've clearly seen that he's making damaging mistakes.
You should step up your conversations with your brother about this. You are probably best positioned to deal with this, since you share the same father and on some level this problem is likely to do with his relationship with your father. Men learn how to be fathers from their fathers, especially to their sons.
Having said that, you need to be open and compassionate with your brother. Don't make it a form of direct criticism or you'll just evoke a negative and defensive reaction. Try to find a gentle way to discuss this, and make it not about his failings. Very hard to do I admit, but if you can get close it will make the conversations go better.
It does sound like your brother is going through personal problems of some kind. Getting to the root of those might be the key. Anger is usually a mask for more complex emotions, such as guilt, jealousy and insecurity. He may need help, either from you and the rest of the family, or from a professional.
Whatever happens, your nephew is going to in serious trouble later on in life if you don't fix this now. Do anything you need to do.
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