A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriends ex made it a point to be the center of attention the first part of our relationship. To the point where i was about ready to leave him despite that he wasnt really to blame for it. Though there was about 2 times he lied about interacting with her. Its was her popping up and him not telling me to keep me from being upset but truth always comes out. Shes had a new boyfriend for over a ywar now.Finally shes leaving us alone so we can focus on us for a change but then last night after we were intimate we we're chatting and he let it slip that they used to rattle their bed everynight. I guess its common sense if youre with someone for 12 years but it hurt my feelings that he was thinking about that right after we did it. It makes me feel less sexually attracted to him and its hard to forget that he made that remark but i feel as though im petty if i dont get over it fast as he would probably like. Am i wrong for feeling it was a dumb comment at a very bad timing after all the stuff shes put us through? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2020): Open mouth, insert foot! His timing was the worst; and yes, his subject-matter was a mood-killer!
I'll only suggest this. Store it away for the time when you yourself will most regrettably make a Freudian-slip! If he unreasonably goes-off on you, promptly remind him: " do you remember that time after we...and you said...! Then give him the instant-replay and verbatim reminder of that brain-fart that nearly got his ding-dong hacked-off! I didn't even have to make that suggestion, you know you're going to do it anyway!
Don't go overboard with your overly-offended drama queen performance! Getting too swollen with self-righteousness will soon find you gagging on the detestable, and most unsavory taste of toe-jam; when you too will catch the dreaded foot-in-mouth disease! We all do it, and you're no exception, sweetheart! Always beating-up on your boyfriend due to your unchecked insecurities gets old...very old indeed!!! You empower her every-time you lose-it over the mere thought of her existence. It was your choice to stick it out in spite of her; you've come this far, so get a grip!
Act your age, you're an adult now! This ain't high school! You're blowing it way out of proportion!
I'm certain you've already over-expressed your total contempt and displeasure; but please don't create a crack in the relationship you won't be able to seal. His memories are his, and he doesn't have a delete button you can push. Don't act as though you have amnesia of your entire past.
I know those dealings with drama from that harpy who hovered over your relationship has made you hypersensitive; but stop and think. You're still giving her power over your feelings and the ability to be a wedge in your relationship without even trying. I agree, he was a total knucklehead for recalling intimate moments from the past with your nemesis; but stuff happens, girlfriend! Imagine what her present boyfriend must be going through! Poor guy!
Take an extra-strength chill-pill. Defang the bee-yotch, and forgetaboutit! Reclaim the peace and harmony in your relationship. Let it slide. You're his woman now! She's history!
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 September 2020):
 I agree completely with anon female of Sept.27th.
The comment was insensitive , that's evident. How tolerable this show of insensitivy is , would depend from several variables, like your and his personalities, the general background and circumstances of your relationship, how good ( or bad ) a bf he has proved himself so far, etc. Taken in a wider context, this foot-in-mouth moment may be anywhere in an arc from unforgivable to just slightly eye-roll inducing.
Please , though, don't make it all the ex's fault and don't find excuses for your bf. No, he was definiotely to blame for, if his ex got too much attention and space. If you want exclude someone from your life, it's a very simple and straightforward process, you just need to be firm, neat and " surgical " about it. I guess he did not really want that ! And if you caught it twice in a lie about his interactions with her... she may have " forced " him to interact ( How ? Holding him at gun point ?!) but she surely did not force him to lie .
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2020): What he said was insensitive and you got some good answers on the subject.
I just want to make sure that you get that what you mentioned about how present was his ex in your lives is not his ex's fault. It was his. he was the one giving space to her for whatever reason. Some people do it because that is how they think they control the new relationship, making sure the new gf has to fight for them. Some are not over their exes. Some men are oblivious and you have to tell them what is going on.
So what's the deal with your bf?
Why was he giving her so much space?
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (27 September 2020):
 You feel as you feel; there is no "right" or "wrong".
In my view, it was an insensitive comment, especially if your boyfriend knows you are insecure about your relationship. However, I personally would not end a relationship over one thoughtless comment. If this is just the straw which broke the camel's back, then that is a different matter.
How is the rest of your relationship now that the ex is out of the picture? Is it common for him to make comments which unsettle you and make you feel insecure? If the rest of your relationship is good, then I think you owe it to him to tell him exactly how his comment made you feel. Tell him "you saying that made me wonder whether you were thinking about your ex while we were having sex" or "your comment made me wonder if you are really over your ex, if you are still thinking about her so soon after we had sex". If he assures you this was just a thoughtless slip of the tongue, then I would tell him "I am going to let it go this time, because I believe you when you say you didn't think about what you were saying. However, if it happens again, then I can't guarantee there will be any way back."
It is entirely possible that, because he IS over his ex, he feels you should be as well and attached no importance to his comment. If this is the case, then perhaps you need to ask yourself why you are still so hung up on her. After all, he spent many years with her; she was a huge part of his life and it's not like he can just wipe those years from his memory. You can't expect him to pretend those years never happened. (This is not to say this particular comment was not inappropriate.)
He needs to know how he has made you feel. If it was a genuine thoughtless comment, then this will give him the heads-up that, in future, he needs to put his brain in gear before he opens his mouth.
Don't throw away a good relationship for one thoughtless silly comment.
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (27 September 2020):
 No one in their right mind would make a comment such as this right after being intimate, it was insensitive and mindless.
I would question where his mind is at?. If you really like someone and are really into them, then the last thing on your mind after being intimate would be an ex.
I think for a majority of people this would be a deal breaker. I think it should be for you also. I think that you can do better.
If his ex is on his mind after sex with you, then get rid of him and let him fantasize about her at home on his own.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 September 2020):
 "Am i wrong for feeling it was a dumb comment at a very bad timing ?"
No! That is the MOST incentive shit I have heard a guy say after sex! This is up there with not just FOOT in mouth but a whole leg!
It would have been like you comparing his dick to your exes, regardless of sizes, right after sex.
I mean WHO does this?!
It's beyond MORONIC!
Does he often say dumb shit? I mean is this who he is? Or are you finally seeing what kind of dumbass you are dating now that the EX-GF drama isn't getting in the way?
Why on Earth do you feel petty for not wanting to hear about your BF and his ex's sex-scapades?
NO ONE wants to hear that! Unless it's a hilarious story and not told RIGHT after having sex with you!
Not only that, but if he dated her for 12! years he must be MUCH older than you, so you would THINK that he would know better!
What are you doing with this asshat?!
Lastly, BLAMING her is low and ignorant. EVEN if she tried her best to sabotage the two of you, HE could have SHOT her down. He could have left the place he was at where she showed up out of the blue. MY guess is... she knew where he was from HIS social media or from him!
HE put you through the DRAMA. Remember that! HE did. She was just a VERY willing participant. But he SURELY did it for personal gain too. Such as, to show you that you had competition. Even if he didn't want her any more. He still had this ex chasing him. Sorta like he is PROUD to have this woman fight and make dram to stay in his life, because.... he is such hot stuff, didn't you know?
OP, I think you can do better. I think he is too old to be this "dumb". He knew that you were all comfy and relaxed after sex, so AM! he says this stupidity and whoooomp you are on your toes and feeling like the 3rd wheel in your own relationship.
What a jackass!
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