A
female
age
41-50,
*alynda19
writes:My husband have been together for 18 years and have 3 children. For the last 2 years we have been having problems and it started out with stupid small things like he doesn't do this and she does that. But for the last year year has started texting other girls. He hides the fact that he talks to them. The only way i found out was when the bil came in and had such high number of texts i looked into it thinking is was my teenage daughter but to my suprise it was him. He deletes the texts right away so i can't read them and find out what was going on until one day when i got a hold of it before he could delete them. These text of course are flirtatous. Some where even pic of them they would send him. When i confronted him he said he was sorry theya re just friends there is nothing going on and stopped talking to the ones sending pic. He still talks to 2 of them and 1 of them is his first love from high school. He thinks i'm being over jelous and that they are just friend there is nothing i should have a problem with. Well I do. Am I wrong? I have been starting to consider divorce and I have no idea what i want anymore. I don't know if i should believe any of my values anymore or throw them out the window. I tryed to talk to him about this again and he got so angry with me he threw the phone out the window in tot he woods and closed his facebook account. Great was my feeling at first now maybe we can just start over and move on together. The problem there is he hasn't spoken to me sence and the kids have no way of getting a hold of their father when they need him after school. (We have no home phone and he works 2nd shift). I am so confused and don't know which way to turn. Am I being over jelous? Is it ok for a married man to flirt with single girls behind their wifes back? I hate to be one of these people that just throw in the towel and gives up on their marriage but i've tried conseling and i have tried to fight but i feel like i'm the onlyone fight. What to do next?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2010): it is immoral for a married man to be flirting with other women behind his wife's back.
It is disrespectful to the wife and it is a breach of her trust. And since flirting is normally associated as courtship behavior, it is inappropriate for a married man to be flirting and is thus the first step on the slippery slope to cheating.
the fact that he's doing this shows there were huge underlying problems in your relationship to begin with. Therefore just insisting that he stop flirting is just taking care of the symptom not the cause and you can't trust that he will stop the flirting for long.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (9 December 2010):
You've got to tell him as soon as you can that you're feeling as if the marriage is falling apart, and that you are unhappy about these other women and would like to go to counselling with him to work through the problems you're having as a couple. Give him a few days to think it through, and if he won't do it, then think very carefully as to whether you want to be in this marriage.
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A
female
reader, kalynda19 +, writes (9 December 2010):
kalynda19 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your input. You are right there are more problems than just this. However this is our biggest problem because I feel insecure and hate competing for his attenion. We can deal with all the little things until we heal from this. We have been to conseling and he feels like it doesn't work just makes more problems. My take is he doesn't want to hear what he is doing is wrong. He has shut off all contact with the outside world via computer or cell phone but the question i have is did he do it for the right reason? I have tried to ask but can't read if he is being honest in him answer. How much time is too much time to hold on and see if this is going to work? Again thank you for your opinion.
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A
female
reader, kalynda19 +, writes (9 December 2010):
kalynda19 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your input. You are right there are more problems but it seems that this is the biggest and we can't deal with the others until we heal from this. He has shut off all contact with the outside world via technologies but the question I have now is did he do it for the right reason? I have tried to ask but can't read whether or not he is being honest with his answer. How long do I sit and wait to see if this is going to get any better?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (9 December 2010):
It's clearly not right, especially given that one was his first love, which is usually the recipe for disaster in this situation.
I think that there are more problems in your marriage than both of you realize or have spoken about, and I think if you are wanting to make this work, you need to tell him that contact has to stop with these women, and that you both go to counselling to fix what is wrong in this marriage.
If he doesn't stop, and doesn't try to make this work, then it's time to throw in the towel. You can't live in a marriage where you're competing for attention with a bunch of other women that he's sending texts to, and where you're the only one putting effort in. At some point, you need to give him an ultimatum. Then you'll know the truth. Either he will fight for you and do what it takes, or he won't.
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