A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have a question. But first I suppose I will have to give a perhaps long back up story.My boyfriend, or ex now, have been dating for 2 months. Within in the first month we moved in together. It was soon. I typically move in that soon but I just wasn't as comfortable with him. I thought moving in with him I would get to know him more and become more comfortable. I was wrong. He didn't seem to have emotions or feelings. There wasn't any love there like I have in relationships. It's pretty hard to describe. I guess like a roommate that you have sex with and that was about it. He seemed stable and basically the same everyday, whereas I am emotional and all over the place. He came off to me as very boring and ordinary. And pretty rude as well as just uncaring. Well we ended up breaking up and I moved out. I have this thing about not being able to be alone and so I usually hold onto relationships when I shouldn't... So we continued talking, just no longer living together. At this point in time I felt like I did feel something for him (maybe because I didn't have him?) but he started listing, yes listing, all of my problems. He said how I should be. And how I am in a relationship isn't right, and I should be like this, etc. Basically an asshole. He kept going back and forth on if he wanted to be with me or not. He would say he did, then say he didn't want anything serious. He said I was too clingy for him and he just wanted someone to casually date and see what happened. So I ended up saying I couldnt do any of it anymore and I just wanted to be friends. He came over and we hung out one night, as friends. Then out of nowhere he wanted to hang out everyday and be serious. For some reason, maybe because of everything we had been through where he wasn't serious and didn't know if he wanted me or not, I had just checked out emotionally. I didn't feel like he really cared at all. But he couldn't just be friends and I couldn't let him go completely so I tried the dating thing again. He pointed out that I was distant. And we had the same problems as before, I wasn't comfortable with him, couldn't open up and talk easily like I can with other people... I actually had a friend I talked to more than I did my own boyfriend because I just couldn't talk to him the same. Anyhow the same problems went on, we didn't discuss them though because another problem he had with me was that I talked too much about feelings and our problems. So we acted like they weren't there. And I felt like I wasn't in a real relationship, like everything was fake. Only at this point I didn't care at all. I was letting the problems be there. I knew we weren't going to make it in the long run but I ignored that and was just living in the moment. So rather than dwell on problems and try to fix it (I knew there was nothing fixable) I just hung out and had a good time. I was also talking to a guy on facebook I knew in high school every couple days, nothing serious of course. I had planned on hanging out with him but my boyfriend and I had gotten back together so I told him I couldn't. I guess the building up of not caring ended up getting to me and I said we could hang out yesterday. It was just as friends, which he knew, he knew my boyfriend existed and nothing at all went on. Although my boyfriend did not know about it, so it was cheating I suppose. I didn't even feel bad at the time. I honestly felt like I was being treated like crap and my boyfriend doesn't care anyway (other things had happened too, I just didn't want to do the longest post ever. But basically I had been having money problems and my boyfriend basically said to handle it myself)... So I'll just hang out with this guy. Still just as friends, can't stress that enough. So that happened yesterday afternoon. Last night, I talked to my boyfriend and because I won't be able to get on birth control for 6 months I told him we shouldn't have sex until then. His comment was- "friends without benefits? thats different conception"- Friends??? So I texted back- "ha ok friends now? because we can't have sex for 6 months?" and he replied I wasn't interested anymore and he didnt want to date anymore blah blah. When literally an hour before then he was saying he loves me. So obviously I assumed he was only dating for sex, and when I wasn't doing it anymore for awhile, he was done. I tried calling him to verify and he ignored me... Finally he answered and we discussed it. He said some crap like we had so many problems (yet once again, an hour ago everything was fine). I ended up saying it wouldnt really be 6 months and we would do other things, etc and he was okay and loving again. This morning we were texting and I said I wasn't ok about last night, that I felt like I'm being used. He answered that I'm not. I asked if he would really wait 6 months for me. He said he would, he loves me, etc. Then he texted "so lets try a condom tonight". To which I replied "I thought we were waiting..." He started the same crap that I wasn't interested and we had too many problems and he can't do this anymore. I said he was making it about other stuff and I'm not a bimbo who will believe this crap, he only wants me for sex. He said no. But he was officially done this time, changed his facebook status and everything, erased my comments etc. But he still wouldn't admit it was about sex. So my question is- Was it just about sex? Or do you believe he had other things going on? Even though he was fine up until I said I wouldnt be having sex tonight. Also after we broke up and he changed status and everything, I began texting again. I ended up telling him about the guy from yesterday that I hung out with and now I am the bad one. I actually do feel terrible now. He said he didn't know I was like that, how does it feel to be a cheater, etc. I really feel like I am a terrible person. Like the crappy ex's you hear about. I hate feeling this way. Was what I did really that bad? I hung out with someone behind his back but most of the conversation was even about him, as that is what most of our conversations were about since he is just my friend. So does that make me a bad person? According to him I am the worst. Any opinions please! And sorry for the length.
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broke up, condom, facebook, money, moved in, moved out, roommate, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2010): Well there's not really much to say but dat he was being an ass**** with you and yess all he wanted with u was sex and u going out with that guy to eat did not made u a cheater u just wanted to change things up a bit to find some understanding from a friend and u where in all your rights best thing to do is move on and I don't know find someone other than a boyfriend like that, I have a good fealing u will good luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for the advice. I feel a lot better about the cheating thing. I think I may have made him sound like a horrible person though. I think he is now about the only wanting sex thing, but when we were dating and I was living with him he wasn't terrible. Just not open and communicative like I like and want. So I figured we just weren't compatible. Now it just seems like everything is completely different because of the whole being used for sex. I feel horrible. And part of me still wants to believe that it may have been other reasons too and I wasn't just being used. But I don't know if that is because I still want to talk to him or not. Then I wonder why I still want to talk to him. Although since I hung out with a guy yesterday he said he will not talk to me again, ever. And I do miss him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2010): I don't think you did anything wrong per say. However, with all the problems and everything you still did decide to be in a relationship with this man.
You don't have to tell your boyfriend every little thing you do; but if my girlfriend met up with a guy, just her and him, and she didn't even mention it. I would be really upset. Not because she did it but because she choose to hide it from me. That being said, it's not worth him labeling you a cheater. If you didn't do anything, and only you know that, then don't worry about it.
But in general this guy seems like a loser.
You need to learn how to be independent and happy with yourself before jumping into another relationship.
Next time though don't commit to having a boyfriend if you still plan on meeting solo with friends and not telling them. That's the only thing I see questionable but not necessarily wrong
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (18 February 2010):
You're not bad. This other guy was only interested in sex. You're clearly far better without a man in your life like this. I'd just cut him. All he was interested in was sex and control. He didn't care about who you actually are at all. Everyone else here will say you did nothing wrong. It's just your loser ex who will say you were in the wrong. And who cares what he thinks since he didn't care what you thought. Cut him out of your life. You can do much better.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2010): Im sure you arent that emotional ect, your ex just made you feel that way because hes an emotional flatliner. He sounds as if he was cold and unloving and i dont know how you put up with living with him when there were so many problems. I think you are better off away from him. And yes it does sound as if his attention....such as it was...was motivated by sex. As for you now being the bad person for spending a short time in the company of another guy. Thats poppy cock. Dont take any notice of your ex boyfriends accusations. Hes a control freak who had no emotional imput when you were with him so dont take any notice of his remarks. Just be glad you left him and dont be tempted to go back x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2010): No, what you did wasn't cheating. Your ex is just looking to blame you without it being about sex and that is the perfect way. You shouldn't need to tell your partner about every little thing you do in your life. From what you say, it sounds like your ex doesn't want a relationship at all right now.
The good thing is that you seem to know exactly what you want in a boyfriend.. now you just need to find it! When your instincts tell you it isn't right, like they did with your ex, try to follow them next time so that hopefully you can avoid some heartache.
Personally I can't imagine moving in with a guy after only a month (or even a year lol) but everyone wants to move at a different pace. You just need to find someone to match yours.
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A
female
reader, c-beeches +, writes (18 February 2010):
What you did wasnt that bad at all and you shouldnt be made to feel bad about it. By the sound of it he's not the type of person you should be with at all. Im sure you can do much better and find someone who you can talk to and who will treat you better. You shouldnt have to put up with his insecurities and lack of commitment!
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