A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I've been with my boyfriend about 4 months now. I knew before we starting dating that he was still friends with his ex and they talked often. She cheated on him and hurt him a lot, and I guess left him for another guy eventually because that's why they broke up. I'm not trying to bad talk her but she really did treat him bad, and because of this I was worried that he might still have feelings for her because of their close friendship. Anyways, I honestly didn't think much of it at the beginning of our relationship but now that we've been together for several months, I do wonder and worry about how much they talk, how often they talk, etc. To be honest, I over think a lot.I tried to talk to him about it a few weeks ago and he kind of got upset and said I shouldn't worry and that they just like to keep in touch and that she sometimes comes to him to talk about problems or come to him for advice and that he didn't want her back.What I'm trying to get at is am I over thinking and making a big deal out of nothing or is the ex thing usually a problem in relationships?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2013): I personally see no need at all being friends with an ex, I aren't saying that everyone should be on bad terms with an ex but friends?? There is no point, a friend is a friend not somebody you used to sleep with and do things together. 9/10 staying friends with an ex causes problems whether they have moved on or not the past is always there. Some things are best left in the past and an ex is a prime example of thisOut of my 4 ex girlfriends I stay in contact with none, now if I saw them in the street a friendly hello is fine other than that no. I certainly would not ever want my current partner to worry about me being in contact with an ex what a lot of needless stress for nothing . The amount of people that make arguments because they want to go to lunch with an ex or something is insane. The world has lost the plot!
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (27 October 2013):
 i've always been of the mind-set that exes can legitimately stay friends without it meaning more. i, myself, am friends with a bunch of exes because they obviously mattered to me at one point in time, and we had a lot of fun together, or i never would have dated them in the first place. so once that romance ends, why throw away a perfectly good friendship if it can be salvaged? as long as both people have properly moved on and don't look at each other in a romantic way/have feelings anymore, i see no reason why not to stay in each others lives.
this being said, one thing i've learned in my adult life is that if your boyfriend is going to cheat on you or go behind your back with this girl, then there's nothing you can do to stop it. you can't control his life. you don't own him. you just have to give him the benefit of the doubt, and if he breaks your trust and does something behind your back, then all you can do is move forward. for example, my gf occasionally hangs out with one of her exes and i don't exactly jump for joy at the idea of it. no one does! however, they are friends. she has told me there is absolutely nothing between them anymore and i have nothing to worry about. so i believe her and trust that she will do the right thing. and if one day, she violates my trust, then so be it. i will have to move on. what else can i do? i certainly won't tell someone what they can and can't do, ya know? so if your boyfriend is going to cheat, he is going to cheat. regardless of how much you do or don't stress and worry about it.
no one can really say whether or not this girl is a threat to your relationship. but try not to stress yourself out too much about it, as you will only wind up upsetting yourself and you will push your boyfriend away if you come across as controlling and jealous.
i hope this helps.
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A
male
reader, hardinproper +, writes (27 October 2013):
The fact he and his ex are still on good terms is a very rare thing. You should respect him for that, let him know that you respect it, but also - if you feel the need to - let him know that you won't tolerate any lines crossed. He will respect you for this if your relationship means anything to him, but it also may take a bit of time, depending on him, your relationship, etc. Remember, when you put a fence around the dog, the dog will eventually want to jump it,(metaphorically speaking), And in a relationship it usually always bugs the hell out of the other person if you try to do this in any way; you will come across as having control issues, and, worst of all, you will look immature and insecure as well, which is a HUGE turn off in any relationship.Of course, if he is up to no good and is playing you, respect hasn't much of a factor in your relationship anyway, and is doomed already, but I cannot judge that, of course. All I know is that self confidence and respect for one another are huge keys to staying together.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 October 2013):
 I don't see anything in his explanation that makes me think he wants to get back with her, BUT I would question as to WHY he would want to remain friend with someone who hurt him as bad as she did.
What is the point of remaining friends?
The thing is you knew before dating him and that didn't make you uncomfortable, so why now?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2013): Ask him to tell you frankly about what's going on between him and his ex.. Try to get him emotional..coz it's not easy for one to watch ur BF talking much to his ex.. Since it's really a matter of concern..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2013): at your age, yes you have every right to be concerned!
hiow long have they been split? He should now be considering your opinion in all of this, before you got together it wasnt an issue because he was single! Now he has a girlfriend and he should be making you his priority!
It is one thing to say he doesn't want her back, but you need to ask him outright if he still has feelings for her. Your need to ask him outright if he is willing to limit contact with her in order to make your relationship work, its about communication.
I think right now he is being a lousy boyfriend to you, his commitment to you should come before their 'friendship'.
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