A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:When my partner and I have a bad fight, she leaves for days, and I'm unable to display love. It feels fake if in the middle of everything I said "I love you so much" or "How are you doing, I miss you". I'm not withholding love as a punishment or to evoke a reaction- It's just extremely hard because I feel so hurt and guarded. She consulted with her friend who's a therapist, who said I'm being manipulative by withholding love and directed her to a link. Now my partner says I'm manipulative and won't listen to any other sides. I explained, "I don't know how to pretend, or how to let go, in the middle of feeling so hurt without a resolution. That's not me withholding love and manipulating, that's me being real, genuine.. feeling hurt and vulnerable. My love doesn't go away when we fight, the hurt is on the surface running deep so intensely that I can''t feel love, let alone express it. You are not better than me and I am not better than you..we are different. What you're calling manipulation feels like a harsh criticism to how I react to pain because it's different than how you react." Her response was, "I'm just going by the books". But she disappears when we fight...Am I being manipulative? Is it wrong of me to not know how to express love when hurt? It is weird to me that she can say "I love you, hope you're well" in the middle of disappearing and fighting...but to her it is weird that I can't say "I love you" back when this is all happening. I understand it hurts her, it hurts me that she disappears too and it hurts to be called a manipulator. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Eagle'sfan1986 +, writes (22 November 2016):
I think couples do things differently when they fight with one another. But I think she took it so far when she call you a manipulater. It was so harsh and I can understand that you're hurting from her cold ice comments. The way you expressed yourself when you told her how you felt when she threw that comment at you and after you two had a fight show how mature you are in the relationship. You want to resolve the fight not walk away from it at all. Your gf needs to do the same thing.
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (17 November 2016):
 DARVO
Deny
Attack
Reverse victim and offender.
This is a common pattern used by abusers. I'm seeing an abusive relationship here. She withdraws her person to win an argument. Then she denies that anything is wrong by saying I Love You, Then she accuses you of withdrawing affection.
Do some research on withdrawal of affection. What you are describing isn't it. Seriously consider your own safety and some good exit plans.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (17 November 2016):
 I think you need to go to therapy with her. Her therapist has no right saying that about you, and my guess would be that she never. A therapist is not there to judge they are there to try and help and individual. My guess is your girlfriend is putting words in the therapists mouth. You should do a session together. It might benefit you both.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (17 November 2016):
 "she leaves for days"
You cannot give something to someone who is not there to receive it. How can you express love when the person you claim to love, is not there to love?
What does she call leaving when you are mad? The right thing to do? Or is that also manipulative? If you get mad at me, I leave. Hmmm
And you are right...You both are not in love. You are staying together because neither one of you want to start over. If you loved each other, she would not leave for days...because that is childish behaviour. Like a child running to grandma's house because the parents are upset with said child.
If I were you...Next time she leaves...not coming back. Either she stays and you both work out your issues right then and there, or she leaves, and it is done.
What are you going to do if you get married?? Is she still going to leave for days?
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A
female
reader, Betty Blue Eyes  +, writes (17 November 2016):
 If she just gets up and leaves every time you argue then surely that's her being a bit manipulative. I expect you've already told her you don't like her leaving for days and she still carries on doing it then complaining you are doing things she doesn't like.
In a long term committed relationship you can't just get up and go disappearing on somebody. Its good to have a bit of space to calm down but it's out of order just going AWOL like that.
I suspect she's telling her therapist fiend all you are doing but not saying anything about her disappearing act. She's focusing on everything you do wrong and backing it up with my friend thinks this and that about you. Why is she going around slating you to others instead of keeping it between you.
What causes her to go away like that? What are the fights over? Have you done something really bad to make it happen or are they just silly quarrels?
If you are being mean to her or doing something terrible to provoke that maybe you should find out why. But if the arguments are silly fights everybody has she shouldn't be running away.
Are you quite loving usually? Or do you just withhold affection anyway? I'm afraid she will have to just deal with you withholding love during an argument,
why on earth would she expect it during a fight.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2016): oh the unhappy love of an unhappy life!
Its impossible to keep blaming each other and loving.
She runs and you shut up!
So you are both different!
So eventually you reconcile but she goes off to get councelling and you consult a dictionary!
This is very balanced in my opinion!
You are both holding your corner for different reasons.
You can analyse and over analyse but will it change things?
It seems to me that you are both being a bit manipulative but in different ways so what are you gonna do?
You could pack your bags and leave or you could open a bottle of champagne and say "Lets be happy today!"
But as neither of you seem to have done anymore than get each others backs up the choice of modus operandi is yours.
And also words can mean very little sometimes especially in the midst of a heated arguement.
Witholding love is something a parent can do to a child who has nowhere else to go to.
But I would say that you probably have other options if you part either temporarily or permanently.
If you want security in this relationship set about the most appropriate way of doing it.
By that I mean formalising it.
Be it signing papers, giving rings, hammering out the groundrules or giggling at tv show while eating popcorn and solemnly swearing that you will argue but you will never abandon each other without first yelling "ITS OVER" as you slam the door and leave.
And stick to that agreement until it is unworkable or needs redifining again!
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (17 November 2016):
 I think you need individual therapy and couples therapy. She shouldn't just disappear, but you may hold a "grudge"/pain longer than she does.
In fact, I think you *definitely* need couples therapy to learn (together) how to communicate and resolve issues better. If you don't, a break up is inevitable because this isn't healthy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2016): Her walking away for days is far worse and i completely understand why you would retreat into yourself. You need to think and figure out and heal as well as deal with her abandoning you. And you know what? I think you should suggest going to see someone impartial for therapy so she cant throw her friends by the book advice at you. Not everyone is by the book anyway. Next time she says manipulative... you say abandonment to her. Tell her your fears especially that she walks away for days. Thats manipulative too by the way. Its ok to walk away to cool off and come back and discuss and resolve but walking away for days is unfair. She sounds like a drama queen
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