A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear all, I am dating a wonderful man who is legally separated but not divorced. He is 10 years older than me, he lives 5 mins from his family home with two teenage daughters and on very good terms with his ex which I'm ok with. My concern is that he will never be able to move out of his current situation, he feels stuck a present as he ex wife is sick (she has MS) and needs a wheelchair and feels a certain amount of responsibility. He is a very sensitive person and can be manipulated easily. He has been unfaithful during his marriage to her in the past as they had no physical relationship for years. He wants to be with me and has said we will do quite a lot next year together, (he had to cancel plans for new years with me as his daughters will be alone (their mother is away for 5 days) and he needs to be around her. He is also good friends with his ex girlfriend and they text with kisses when communicating, I have spoken to him about this and he says I have nothing to worry about, and I believe him.I love he very much, however am concern that I am wasting my time or taking on too much, he tells me he loves me and we get on very well and laugh a lot and I'm a breath of fresh air in his life. I want to stay with him but was wondering if there are others on here who can give me some insight or have been in this situation before. Thanks for reading and would appreciate any input you can give me xx
View related questions:
divorce, ex girlfriend, ex-wife, his ex, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2015): I am the original poster of the question posed.Thanks for all your insight and you have given me a lot of food for thought. he says he paid for his affair in a lot of ways and said he has changed. I believe he has a sense of guilt and duty to his ex wife and that may always be there possibly. His ex girlfriend had a nervous breakdown and has a little boy he has bonded with that he keeps in touch with. the ex is in a new relationship and he said she has a lot of issues and did drain him, so don't believe I have anything to worry about now. You're right some straight talking is required, he gets annoyed when I raise the subject (maybe I'm a fool, but I need to at least give this a chance) your have all confirmed what I had been thinking and I will see next year whether its still worth this, he is a good guy and has a sense of responsibility/guilty, but at what price. I need to look at my own needs and what I want. I'm finding it all very overwhelming and difficult at times and have expressed this. He wants to take every day as it comes, one day at a time.I want to be with him, he says he never wants to lose me, but there has to be some changes. Will see how things go in 2016 and as you mentioned if I see him less, then I have my answer and need to move on unfortunately. Thanks all so much for your comments and I have a lot of soul searching to do now xxx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2015): All you have to do is be upfront with him and give him a time line to go by. If he refuses then let him go his way. Otherwise you're just a piece of ass if he truly loves you he will make changes. imo.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2015): The fact that he cheated and feels "stuck" and is close enough to send kisses to his ex gf are three red flags for me.He sounds like a good guy. He looks out for his daughters and feels a sense of responsibility for his ex. He sounds like a good father and "friend."I am not so sure how you fit into all this. It sounds to me as if you have slotted into his "group." Does this man take responsibility for his actions? Does he sincerely regret his previous affair? Is he intimate with his ex girlfriend or is she a back-up girlfriend? Is he getting a divorce or will he remain separated for now? Does he see himself as a future carer for his wife as he is still married? Will he take on more care of his wife when his teenage children leave home?Does your boyfriend have the backbone and strength to draw a line under his marriage or is he driven by a sense of duty/guilt? Some men are quite happy to drift along in life with a strong woman either a mother or wife guiding them. All this brings us back to the start. Where do you fit in? Are you happy to accept what he is offering you now? How do you see your future with him? It's time for some straight talking here.
...............................
A
male
reader, Been there Now over it  +, writes (31 December 2015):
He sounds like a good guy but will be unwilling to fully separate from his sick wife, which I respect. This is certainly going to take some compromising on your part. You just have to make a decision as to whether you can deal with this situation on a continuing basis. Just remember that nearly every guy your age will come with baggage and require some compromise on your part.Unless you have a replacement guy waiting in the wings, I'd stay with him and see how he performs on his promise of spending more time with you next year. If he actually spends less time with you, then it is time to look elsewhere.In regard to his ex-girlfriend, he shouldn't be texting her (especially with kisses) on a regular basis if he is in a relationship with you. I wouldn't demand he not do it, but it shows disrespect for your relationship if he is aware that it bothers you. You'd be overly-controlling to demand they cut all communication, so this may be another compromise you'll have to make.
...............................
|
