A
female
age
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*tevie Nics
writes:I got to know a man who worked in the same place as me but different departments 13yrs ago. He began to start to talk to me a lot and I saw him when out at the pub with my friends and he was with his friends but he used to flirt a lot with me and come up and chatted away very friendly he even pinched my bottom one time in the disco. He came back to my house about 3x between Nov 97 and Jan 98 (nothing happened no sex or anything. Just chatting away etc that was all)but we knew we fancied each other like mad so eventually after about 4 months he came back to my house and we both couldn't wait and we had the most brilliant sex ever!! from then on we started to see each other all through 1998 but then in 1999 I left the company but I was so obsessed with this guy I couldn't stop thinking about him and phoning him or texting. He wasn't the sort to rush in and wanted to take things slowly as he was going through a very hard divorce but sometimes I wasn't seeing him for about 8 weeks at a time at found that quite hard and I used to say to him but he just said its just the way things are and it drove me round the bend sometimes because I though when you were dating and seeing someone you saw them more requarly so I guess maybe I pushed things too much and I wish I hadn't done that and just left him to contact me but I didn't( we did go out though and when we did I really enjoyed it) but him going through a divorce and he had a little girl as well aged 5 I could understand how he wanted to take it slowly but I thought we could at least see each other once a week or even at that once a fortnight but 8 weeks?? I eventually fell in love with the guy and it was so so hard for me my friends told my I had the patience of a saint!! I eventually after 4 years told him I loved him but he couldn't return that love and told me he liked me a lot and was very fond of me. I went thru hell after that but we did go on seeing each other but it was getting harder and harder for me and I kept on asking him can we have a relationship and he used to say some day wait and see what happens? But then one day when I asked him up for tea he was busy again and I said this is not working and he said ok lets just finish it and he came up to see me and broke it off. I was devastated. He said he just wanted to do his own thing and he didn't love me but he was sorry it didn't work out but he said he did want it to work. That summer I was heartbroken. Eventually after about 3 months I contacted him just to talk and we went out on a date but he did say it was just friends. We went out again the next month then I didn't see him and wondered what was going on so I contacted him and he was seeing someone else I was devastated again so between March 2004 and Feb 2005 he was seeing someone else but it didn't work out I was so low and never stopped thinking about him I had this feeling inside me we were good for each other and if i hadn't been so stupid calling him and pressuring him we would of been still together I did see him once when he was still dating someone else and he said he liked her but he also liked me to. I didn't phone again to the March 2005 and that's when I found out he wasn't seeing her again I wanted to go and see him but he wasn't sure and said no but eventually he gave in and I went to see him again in May 2005 and since then we have been really good friends but with benefits (sexual) but we are really attracted to each other sexually and we both agreed to it but he said it there was relationship and he wanted to do his own thing what happens happens and we will see what happens but I asked him if he thought we would have a relationship again he said no never and that friendship with benefits has gone on up untill July 2011 this year. I haven't seen him since then although he does my washing for me and if I ask him to drive me somewhere he does it. I got thinking and when I saw him last Sunday (he was dropping off my washing and taking a another load to do for me) I told him I didn't want any more sexual interactions as not seeing him for the 4 months made me think this is not what I want so I told him he said no problems but we can still talk now and again on the phone or txt. He is now a friend without benefits since last week but I haven't seen him and although i want to see him but on a boyfriend girlfriend basis and that I know is not the case I still love him to this day after 13yrs as he is a really nice guy and always been upfront with me and been honest how he feels but what I would like to ask is am I wasting my time thinking about this man that maybe he will come back and want a relationship? Can he change? What do you think? I mean 13 yrs is a long time. We never had a fight or anything we did have a few disagreements and I sometimes was a bit angry at him not seeing me and seeing his friends more than me. He does like doing his own thing and going out to football, his mates etc. Can there be hope for us?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2011): Thank you for your reply. I have found it hard to admit but you are righ. It could stem from my childhood. My dad suffered depression and used to put me down a lot saying I couldn't do this or that. I cried a lot as I found my dad very difficult. It really makes me upset thinking about it ( I no longer have my dad he passed away 15 years ago) but his behavior affected me a lot and I've never spoken about it till now. I am going to contact relate as you mentioned and see if I can get my emotional state of mind sorted as it is affecting my relationships with men ESP and I only wish I had done this years ago maybe if I had walked away or not contacted this man so often at the beginning things might have been different. I am too needy and I admit I have made a lot of mistakes. He is coming up on Mon to help me get stuff from my loft after I asked him but I think after that I'm not going to contact him again, it's too painful. He has been honest as I said and he said he wanted me to get on well. He even asked me why don't I get my hair short as he likes short hair but I'm going to do what I want not for him. Just to let u know his parents know me and when his mum died last year I went to the funeral and him and his dad came to my mums funeral this year. I do honestly believe he wants to be friends but and wants me to do well but maybe just txting now and again to catch up but nothing else. Thanks again
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2011): I agree with the reply already given, but I also wonder whether it would be worth your while going to counselling - I say this because it seems very clear that a. you have blurred several boundaries, many times over, with this man b. you say that you love him, and that you have rarely argued BUT it is so obvious that he has caused you ongoing pain by not returning the same love to you as you feel for him.
In fact, it is slightly more complicated than that, because at the end of the day and given the sheer amount of time wasted, it is not he but YOU who have caused yourself pain, through accepting or trying to accept his actions/inaction towards you.
My guess is that you have become both addicted to him and addicted to this feeling of ongoing longing/emotional pain. Could be that, somewhere very early on in childhood, someone that you loved made you feel undeserving or that you really had to work so hard/accept their bad treatment of you in order to "win" their love.
As to the guy in question - to my mind he seems like a typical passive aggressive personality. On the surface he seems kind, nice humour etc, non-aggressive and non-confrontational BUT what is really going on is that he has, over the years, exerted a vast amount of psychological and emotional control over you. This includes effectively FORCING you to make any decisions about the future of your "relationship" with him, because he simply won't treat you with the respect that a healthy minded person would - I mean, he won't give you the "status" of a normal girlfriend/boyfriend type relationship because he just gets too freaked out/feels out of control if he does. Passive aggressive people MUST have control, at all costs. When he washes your laundry, he is controlling that part of your life and making you emotionally dependent on him. When he agrees with your decision to just be friends, he has already forced you into that position beforehand by not giving you what you need, and by agreeing with you he is just refusing to take on board any of the pain he has caused to you and effectively making sure that you keep hold of it all.
Do you have many other people in your life that are supportive? If you do, try to talk with them about this situation and get others' perspectives on it. If not, as well as counselling, maybe you would benefit from joining some sort of new group in which people are supportive and nice to one another and in which boundaries are very clear at all levels. I think it may be possible to go to somewhere like "Relate" just as a single person/by yourself - for you this would be appropriate because it feels like, all along, you have been the only one investing anything meaningful into the relationship. For him it has been about passive aggressive control and power over you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2011): Thanks for your reply. I know your right but it's so hard when u love someone and you still keep in touch as friends I always seem to think that there will be a chance. I will take ur advice and not phone him but he might phone me after a few weeks to see how I am as a friend I suppose I will have to take one day at a time and try and focus on myself. By the way it was his x wife who divorced him 12 years ago. He said it's him who likes doing his own thing so I'm going to just leave things and not phone him thanks
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (4 November 2011):
 No. And the sooner you snap out from this delusional thinking , the better. Or do you want to waste other 13 years on a pipe dream ?
13 years , and what you want never happened, does not this suggest you anything ? There's a point at which patient persistence turns into foolish obsession and I'd say you have crossed it quite a while ago.
Don't fool yourself : he did not " want to take it slow ", in fact he jumped into bed with you after just a couple of evenings of chitchats ( so you barely knew each other, really ) and he was still married, I'd say that's pretty fast. And you were not dating and seeing him not very often,.... you were a booty call. The moment you start making a minimum of demands and a minimm of fuss, he ditches you, does not this speak volumes about his level of interest ?
Since then, he has told you repeatedly, no thanks , he does not want a relationship with you, forget about it. At least, like you said, he's been honest in that.
Pursuing this man is like banging your head against a concrete wall ; stop right now- and take your washing to the local laundromat , if you have to.
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