A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear AllI have been with my b/f for 18 mths now, he's 36 and I'm 28. We don't live together, I live alone and he still lives with his parents. He has a 7 yr old daughter from a short previous relationship. He was only with the mother for a few mths and she tricked him saying she was on the pill when she wasn't then was told she was expecting. They broke up before the child was born. He faced up to his responsibility though straight away and has done since that day. He didn't even want kids but he is a good and decent man.She has made it awkward for him to see her at times. Things have been ok for a while now and he sees the child on Tues/Wed/Sat/Sun. When I first met him he was open and honest and said he had a child and even introduced us two weeks after we met. I didn't have a problem with it because I suppose it was a novelty at first, I didnt realise the implications. I tried hard to get to know her and we got close very quickly. About 8 mths in he had some trouble with his ex and she said he couldn't see his daughter, this caused a big argument between me and him because I felt like his ex was dictating to him. That was the day that I fully realised what a hold this child had on his life. Since then things have gone really bad if I'm honest. For the past 6 mths or more I have began to really resent him and his daughter. The relationship between me and b/f feels like it's going nowhere. I mean I do want kids eventually and want to settle down but I think it's pretty obvious that isn't going to happen. I like going out and he has his daughter every Saturday so that hampers that idea. I find myself acting so childish and pathetic when he brings her over. I know my behaviour is wrong but I become possessed with irrational and jealous feelings. They're so close and she never comes to me for anything even though its my house. I've pushed him away so much and don't even kiss or hug him much anymore, sex has completly stopped. I don't know why I'm putting myself and him through this and I know I should just end it but we've been together 18 mths and it seems like such a waste to just throw everything away. Don't get me wrong I don't treat his daughter badly I just make excuses so he doesn't bring her round. She used to sleep over but she got on my nerves because I had to get up for work at 5.30am and she would be waking uop in the middle of the night shouting for 'Daddy' coz she needed the toilet. I would be woken up and be in a grumpy mood all day then. I couldn't understand why she can't go to the toilet on her own shes almost 8. I think he just spoils her so much and does everything for her, god knows what she'll be like as a teenager. Anyway I know my attitude is probably wrong and the child should come first etc etc but what rights do I have in a relationship. Am I wasting my time or will things get better as she gets older?? I just want some advice and if any of you have been through this also please help.
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broke up, his ex, jealous, the pill Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your replies folks. I guess I am being a little selfish, I've just prepared myself for the fact this will never work and I'm lost all interest and motivation to try and get involved with him and his daughter. I do feel bad towards his daughter as she probably is picking up on what is going on. I used to go with Daddy to pick her up from school but now can't bring myself to do that because his ex will be there. I feel like I don't have anything in common with these 'parents' and try to disassociate myself. My b/f is living at home due to financial reasons and because he had not long split with a long-term ex before me who had her own place. I feel bad for the pressure I'm putting him under and he says he feels split in two which is understandable. I just don't feel strong enough to end it and walk away. He said he's starting to resent his daughter a little because she wasn't planned and he was trapped.I don't want this to happen. He hates his ex for that and tries to have as little to do with her as possible. Oh, whay does life have to be so hard??
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2009): I know exactly how your boyfriends daughter feels, or will feel, and she will pick up on it eventually. Not going to tell my story here as it's irrelevant, but if you can't accept her then you should finish with your boyfriend, as she will always come first.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (8 July 2009):
 I think that Gina pretty much covered the Daughter issues. She is an important part of his life and they are not going to be separated. I'm seeing another pattern in this that worries me. He dotes on his Daughter, is dictated to by his Ex, and lives with his mother. It looks like he lets the women in his life run it for him. He has 3 bosses, I'm not sure how he is even handling it. The other three are going to resist you trying to take control. I would say that your perception of the chances of settling dawn are right. It looks pretty bleak. There are a few good reasons that a 36 year old man would choose to live with his mother but in most cases it is a bad sign. So I think that you are wasting your time. He is unable to offer you what you need in a relationship. He will have these conflicts for 11 years with the daughter and ex and who knows how long with the Mother.
Having said all that, Communication is the key to relationships. If you decide to leave him let him know why, What you want / need, and give him a chance to provide it for you. That is giving him a chance to make good on the investment you two have made so far in the relationship.
FA
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A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (8 July 2009):
 i think u need to think this from everyone's perspective not just think of yourself.remember this poor child is stuck in the middle, and the dad has to put his child first and think of your feelings at the same time. he is feeling the pressure. he told u the truth from the beginning.u and your partner need to rethink things. could u not compromise and go out with ur friends now and then so u can enjoy some time apart? when the child does stay over couldn't u speak to her nicely and make her understand that u need sleep to stay healthy and if she needs to go toilet come and get daddy silently?children are very adorable if u can be kind to them but assertive. you just need to change your whole approach then things change. but you need to change first if u want this to work.good luck!
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