A
male
age
30-35,
*tewartGriffin89
writes:I need someone's opinion who knows what's going on ....I am 20 years old and I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years, Shane. He's 19. I do love him sincerely and care enough about him to spend the rest of my life with him, as naive as that may sound. But we're not perfect.He's my first boyfriend and first serious relationship, and I'm his third boyfriend and first serious relationship. We got together in April 2007 and things went smoothly for the most part for over a year. We became so close that we eventually had the same job at the same two places, which I thought was great at first. We would attend each others family events and the whole nine yards. It was as if we were married or something and everyone got into the whole "Chris and Shane" thing, and if I wasn't with him I would always hear "where's Shane?"It eventually came down to it that we'd argue over the most pointless things (for the record, he lacks the sense how to pick and choose his fights) and we'd "break up" at the drop of a hat, only to get back together maybe an hour or day later. In August 2008, we "broke up", even though we still had sex, told eachother "I love you", and still slept over at eachothers houses. As for all of that, I say that during that period we were together. If you did all that, how could you not be?In August 2008 It was then that he had sex with a "straight guy" he never met. This was a point when things weren't going too well with us. The "straight guy", Colin, was the boyfriend of a girl I went to school with, Erica. She suspected he was gay or something and set Shane up with him to see if anything happened -- and it did. I had never dealt with anything like this before and I was an emotional wreck. It affected my work, my personal life -- everything. For days I would just start crying at the drop of a hat. In Shane's defense, he was there for me throughout the entire thing and said that he did it because he thought I didn't really love him, which I personally found to be bullshit. I managed to read his journal and he said that he didn't even enjoy his time with Colin, which I suppose was some small consolation. He made amends and we worked through it. To his credit, he told me two days after it happened because he felt that bad about it.A few months later in December of 2008, we broke up and we stayed that way until recently. As the months passed, he's been in contact with numerous guys and had sex with at least one, and had oral sex to another. All in all, he didn't do as much as I thought he would, to be honest. I was the typical "psycho ex-boyfriend" for a while and it drove him nuts. I finally got my head screwed on straight and started playing the "I don't care" game in an attempt to get him back. I didn't call him, didn't text him, and made every effort to NOT hang out with him. Bear in mind that during this almost six month period barely a day went by that he didn't try to call or text me or hang out with me. And he seemed to enjoy to try and make me jealous by talking about other guys in front of me.I made it clear to him that I didn't give a flying fuck what he did, but I didn't want to hear about it, nor should I. I started playing his game on him, but I did it better: I gave hints to him discreetly about other guys but never spoke directly about it unless he asked me (which he eventually did often), and I stopped calling or texting him period and hung out with my friends more. He doesn't have a whole lot of real friends minus me, so this really cut him off in a big way.Eventually he said he wanted to "work it out," which was good news for me, but I grew tired of that game. I eventually told him that, while I loved him, I couldn't do it anymore and that it was time for us to go our seperate ways. When he heard that, he flipped. He started calling me like crazy, texting me. That night I was surprised to see him when I was going to have a few drinks with my friend (also a mutual friend of his). He got drunk, as did I, and he eventually announced to everyone assembled that night that we were back together. He stayed at my house that night and we made love like we used to. The next day I could tell he wasn't 100% sure, that's why I didn't take him seriously. To make a long story short about that, we "broke up" again and remained cordial and continued trying to "work it out" until I told him once more that I was done.Again, he had a change of heart and went nuts. He called me, texted me, even came to my house. When I didn't answer he came to my window. He seriously was trying to talk to me because he told me he wanted to get back together. If you want the truth he was freaking me out that day. I told him I'd think about it. He texted me a few more times a day later saying he didn't think I was going to get back together with him and that he wanted to know so that he knew, plain and simple.I eventually gave-in. I really wanted to work things out. When we first broke up in December all I asked from him was one more chance to make things different and that if nothing happened, at least we tried.As I write this, we've been together again for about 3 or 4 days and things are going ok. I'm very nervous to let my guard down. All of my friends and co-workers (those who also once worked with Shane), think I'm nuttier than a fruit cake for wanting to get back with him and for being with him. I figure it's my business and that if it doesn't work out, then that's that. The truth is that within the past month or so I did become stronger and not as dependant on him as I was, and was starting to enjoy the life of being single and not having to answer to anyone.As soon as we got back together he tried to get me to stop smoking cigarette's, which I was fine with. Then tried to get me to stop hanging out with a female friend of mine indefinite, who he was once friends with (they had a falling out and no longer speak). I made it clear that I was not going to let him control me the way he used to, and that we do need to maintain our own independance every now and then in order to keep things strong and normal and not sufficate ourselves with eachother.I told him I want him to drop all of the othr guys, whoever the hell they were. He was fine with that, obviously. Here's a few tidbits: he had ample opportunity to date other men and have sex with many of them but didn't. Why? I attempted but just couldn't do it. I wasn't ready and didn't necessarily want to, but felt I had to. Shane kept in contact with many guys, mainly people not near us, because he likes attention and finds it easy to talk with strangers. There was one other guy he was falling for but eventually cut that off. Still not 100% sure why. They never met. Only talked on the phone, online and whatever -- which was weird and childish, I thought. They made plans to meet but the other guy, Dennis, got scared and didn't do it.Shane said to me a day or two ago that he didn't put himself out there fully for other guys because he still liked me and didn't want to throw away two years for nothing. I, personally, am scared to fully give him my heart once more. I'm afraid that I'm here because he's waiting for "Prince Charming" or something like that. I told him repeatedly that I deserve better than him and that all of the guys he speaks to only want one thing -- his body. I believe it, too. I'm one of few gay guys who isn't in the stereotype. I'm very normal and straight-acting and don't club, was never promiscuous and whatever.I figure that I'll give this however long and see how it goes.Am I right to feel afraid to give myself to him fully? Am I just wasting my time or should I keep with it?Please! Offer me some insight.Chris
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2009): Seinfeld says it best "relationships are like pushing over a vending machine, you can't do it in just want push, you have to rock it back and forth a few times."
I think that once you've broken up the first time there will never truly be the same relationship again. It is merely in movies one lives happily ever after after getting back together with your ex. they are exes for a reason. It doesn't mean that we didn't love them, still love them, and want it to work out so badly that the heart is bleeding. But in the end it just wont.
Honey, you have to let go. You do deserve to be happy, and so does he, and right now all you do is hurt each other. the little happiness you get from being together is not weighting up the pain.
time to let go. for real.
A
female
reader, ferrel  +, writes (3 June 2009):
 Personally myself i think you should both sit down and have a long heart felt chat. If this doesnt work or you dont want to speak to him face to face id ask myself one thing can you see a long term realatioship with him and if so would you still be able to trust him. Trust is a big part of all relationships and without it personally myself i dont think it will last. i hope that i have helped you if you want a one to one chat with me please dont hesitate to get in contact with me good luck and best wishes.
Ferrel
XXX
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A
male
reader, koenig +, writes (1 June 2009):
I think you're wasting your time. You're just going to keep yo-yoing from together to apart again. I don't think it needs much explanation and I think deep down, you know yourself that you can do much better than him.
He's proven that he can't handle a serious relationship in a mature way.
He's proven that he'll find it easy to be unfaithful and that he's somewhat promiscuous - always a bad sign.
I'm not gay, but relationships are relationships and this guy is obviously toxic. And all of this drama... it's not worth it. Find someone who will respect you and have the decency not to muck you about so much.
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