A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I would like some perspectives on whether I am being unreasonable in wanting to wait before moving in with my bf and wanting to continue to enjoy things as they are, please.We've been together 10 months, and for the last 3 months, he's mentioned me moving in with him. This weekend, he said he wants us to 'move forwards', which, to him, means moving in with each other and aiming towards marriage and children. He's mentioned these dreams to me previously, and these ideas do make me feel happy and excited, but I feel it is too soon. He says he doesn't want to be in a relationship that is not moving forwards, and thinks that if it is left to me, we will still be talking about these things (but not actually doing them) in a year's time. So, he's asked me to spend a couple of days at his place this week as a start, which I've agreed to do.However, I can't help feeling under pressure from him. I do love him, but I start a new job this week and my relative is recovering from an operation, so I feel like I need a lot of time to prepare for my new job and to be able to visit my relative this week. I've told him this, but he says that there will be issues whenever we think about having this 'trial' of moving in with him for a couple of days, which is probably true.I guess I'm really enjoying our relationship as it is. We see each other at least 3-4 times per week (we both have full-time, shift-pattern jobs, no children, live separately), and stay with each other maybe twice per week. I'm always really excited to see him, even when we don't do anything much apart from talking about our day, going for a walk or watching TV, and still have lots of lust for him, which he seems to return :) I want to keep this for as long as possible, as I'm worried it will change if we move in together. Already, there are times when I go to his house and he sits and watches TV when all I want to do is kiss him...I sometimes get a little bored and end up washing up for him or going for a walk by myself for something to do.I've lived with a man before, for 5 years, and our relationship ended after I discovered he was cheating on me, then I had to deal with moving out, finding a new place, starting again...so trust is another issue. I do not completely trust my current bf. This is because I found he was 'sexting' another girl 7 months into our relationship, found him in bed with two other girls - friend of his - a few weeks after that (he was drunk, said nothing happened, and there were 2 other guys asleep on his bedroom floor who also said it was all innocent), then we had a miscarriage (unplanned pregnancy, I was on contraception) 7 weeks ago, and he told his work colleague without letting me know, and his work colleague told other people so people have been gossiping about me at work. We've discussed these issues and I have forgiven him, but it leaves me feeling I don't yet completely trust him, and would be foolish to move in with someone I don't completely trust. He makes me feel bad for not wanting to jump in and move in with him full-time right away, tells me this upsets him as it makes him feel I'm not secure with him/don't fully trust him/don't want to move forwards with him. Am I being unreasonable to him? I tell him frequently how proud of him I am, and tell him I love him every day! I've also told him I do see us moving in together, having a family and being together longterm many times, which he says makes him happy to hear.I'm scared I'll lose him if I don't do what he wants me to do, but at the same time, I'm worried our relationship might become stale too soon if we move in together now, and would like a little more time.Does anyone have any advice on what I should do, please?Thanks :)
View related questions:
at work, drunk Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Dodds  +, writes (1 August 2011):
 You aren't being unreasonable still wanting that level of space. 10 months is not that much in the grand scheme of things. It's good him seeing a future with you,but why the rush to move in,marriage,kids,the works? Has his biological clock began ticking or something?When it comes to relationships,it's never wise to rush things. Sit him down and talk,point out the reasons you have mentioned here. There's no point changing the relationship dynamics when you clearly arent readyYour concerns seem perfectly legitimate and he needs to listen to them instead of being selfish. Its not fair you feeling pressured or even blackmailed to get into something you aren't ready for fearing that he may leaveIf you go ahead with it,how happy do you think you will be with him later? Not much and resentment may creep in,so you need to speak your mind and have him listen to youBe firm,yet gentle about it. You're his woman and he should respect your decisions as he considers your concerns. This is a relationship,not a dictatorship! You both deserve to be happy and comfortable. Good luck
A
male
reader, Lee jong  +, writes (1 August 2011):
 I think he is not in a position to put pressure on you. If he loves you he should respect that you are not ready to dwell with him full time and you should also talk to him about your feelings, find right time to tell him what you feel. If his a man he will understand and don't force or make him a favour to move in coz you might end up being in two places at the same time. Hope ull get some ciao.
...............................
A
female
reader, VSAddict  +, writes (1 August 2011):
 You have the right to feel the way you do. You aren't ready and your boyfriend shouldn't be pressuring you. It hasn't even been a year and I think couples should wait at least a year before even thinking about stuff like this. Don't let your boyfriend rush you into anything. Tell him how you feel and that you would like to wait. And if he keeps pushing this on you, then it may be time to leave because you shouldn't have to move in together to confirm a relationship and the feelings you have for each other. You shouldn't trust him after what has happened, and until you build your trust up and can fully trust him, don't consider living with him full time. Wait until you can trust him and you know that there's a good chance you two will marry. But don't let him pressure you. Tell him to give you time and if he can't stop pressuring you/making a big deal about it, you should leave.
...............................
|
