A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello.I have been doing some serious thinking about relationships and my habits towards them in general and also the opposite sex. I suppose I have to give those of you reading this a little background on myself:Well, I am an only child to start and much of my younger years were adjusting to being on my own and more importantly being content with it. I never had any family outside of my nuclear one and friends sort of came and went. Therefore, I believe I have sort of been conditioned to expect relationships to be situational or temporary....although this is not my preference.When it comes to the opposite sex, I had one serious boyfriend in high school that broke up with me one day and left me for a friend of mine. I was blind sighted by the experience and I do believe it left me a little traumatized since I thought of him as my best friend too.After that, I really was very very rarely interested in men. I just couldn't find the emotional attachment that I was looking for, and then during my teen years there was two occasions in which men tried to rape me (they were unsuccessful, I got away, but it added to the emotional scaring).I am now in my twenties and have not had a serious relationship or intercourse with anyone (yes, I am still a virgin). I haven't even madeout with someone for 5 years. And, I sometimes have crazy ideas of just taking the next opportunity I have to have sex and forgetting the emotional side of it but I also worry what that might do psychologically. Life is good however. At superficial value, no one would suspect this sort of distress from me. And, it seems I have ignored getting involved with anyone fairly well.My taste for men has changed. Within the last 5 years I have growingly developed an attraction for older men although I have not ever had relations with any of them. I have noticed that I can't even get slightly attracted to a man who is less than 38 years of age. When I do get attracted to a man, as seldom as it is, I think I get fixated. I don't look for other men, I don't even notice them. I develop feelings and sometimes they don't go away for months to years.So, the problem I have is this: I am told that I am quite mature for my age and often times people forget how old I am and think that I am much older. However, there is still this very young side of me (the young girl who has yet to even have sex), and I am not sure how to share that with anyone.I am afraid if I get involved with an older man he will be so turned off by the fact that I am still a virgin (actually, freaked out would probably be more accurate). I have a secret fear that no one will ever 100% accept, understand or care about me so what is the point in getting involved with anyone?I need some advice from both men and women. Thanks.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2009): oh my gosh! all men love virgins first of all and even so older guys. i know how you feel about the older guy thing because im in the same situation of wanting guys much much older then myself, but get over the fact that your a virgin because no guy has a problem with that believe me, but one thing a guy will want is you to do some kinky things and they will test you the older the guy is the more kinky things he will ask and the more he will test you. so be careful with that and if you do find a guy hold on to your heart for awhile before you give it to him. i can truly say this is my first time being in love and its difficult because im young and hes way older than me and my friends do have a problem with it but they honestly need to get over it because it isnt there life, but what im getting at is if your going to put yourself in a situation with an older guy make sure you really want it because most of them are just ready to settle down and if your not than make sure you tell him that. make sure both of you are on the same page all the time and never lie to each other honesty and loyalty is what you need to start your relationship out on wait awhile before you jump into the relationship hey i waited 4 months before i got into a relationship and im telling you it does help because you get to know each other as friends 1st and then as lovers. dont just jump into bed with him the 1st chance you get let him know you want to take things slow and he will understand keep each other filled in on each others where abouts and what your doing every second of the day even if your not doing anything. my boyfriend and i send way more than 200 texts per day and more than 20 calls and those calls are at least 30 mins. each time. if you can talk to someone that much and be in t here present 24-7 and feel wanted all the time its right if not something needs to give. remember dont give your heart out so quickly and love doesnt come easy sometimes you have to go for it if you really want it. :) dont let anything you really want slip away because you will end up regreting it.
A
female
reader, meldel  +, writes (11 January 2009):
wow-you sound freakishly similar to me. i'm an only child...and i think it has a lot to do with it...i'm bad with intimacy...and i've been told...and the 38 plus thing rings a bell with me too...i think it's because the only male figures we've had in our lives have been much older and that's why we need to feel attatched to an older man. of course in my case i never had a male figure at all... in regards to losing your virginity to anyone ... don't do it...it leaves you scared big time...self respect is the most important thing you don't realise how much of it you have until you go off and do something stupid like that (that's not implying that you should...just take my word for it)
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A
female
reader, PsyCookie +, writes (12 July 2008):
 A mature man would probably be more experienced than a guy your age. The good thing about your age is that age-range of men you like will most likely see a more deeper relationship since you're already an adult and you would have so much more in common with them.
I'm pretty sure many men like to go for the younger-looking woman who is more mature for her age, so you're in an advantage here. And I'm so sure that they will NOT mind the fact that you're a virgin. Actually, a guy who loves you will not mind all of these things you feel and will actually try to help you feel more positive.
Your fear about acceptance, well everyone has it. If you want numbers, well, here it goes. There are more than 6 billion people in this whole planet. 6 billion! and 300 million in the U.S.! So why oh why would you never find someone who will see you as his life and as someone to be with the rest of his life? The trick here is to look deeply and I'm so glad that you have a big potencial for this. You're not just a silly little girl who goes to bed with just anyone or someone who claims to "fall in love fast". You fall for someone because you REALLY like the person and it's not just a crush. What you should try is to persue relationships with the guy you fall for and see how it goes. One thing, though, is to not forget morals about this. Many men at this age-range are already married or in a serious relationship, so please mind that (I will not doubt that, but just so you know).
Don't give up so easily without even trying! Like I said, persue relationships with those men and actually, there's nothing wrong with feeling this. At your age (I'm also talking to MissB23 here) is just preference and not a Sigmund theory of sexuality. You have knowledge of the world and have been having these preference for a long time, so the "lack of father figure" thing is likeley not applicable here.
You sould try looking for that special guy and I will assure you that he will not be put off by your lack of experience.
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A
female
reader, MissB23  +, writes (12 July 2008):
Hi.I just wanted to say.i am exactly the same.I never had a boyfriend at school,i'm 24 now,and didnt get my first one till i was 17.I was also bullied at school,which ruined my self esteem and confidence.Even to this day,i still lack those things,although it is abit better than it was then.With my first boyfriend,that didnt last long,and since then,other guys my own age have liked me,and i did go out with a couple,but again,that didnt last long.I am also a virgin,which i'm not ashamed to admit.However,i would be afraid of telling an older man that aswell,which i havent told either of the older men i have liked.When i was 21,i liked someone who was 20 years older than me,and continued to like him until the beginning of last year.We werent really in a relationship,he flirted with me and we kissed e.t.c though.At the moment,i like someone who is 18 years older,but it's complicated,as he says he likes me,but he cant get over his ex.They broke up last year,and i didnt know till quite recently, that he still sees her.So,at the moment,i'm not sure whether i should stay in contact with him or not.I dont know whether he wants to go back with her,or if they are still friends.He says he would like to be with me,but wants me to " give him time ".The same thing happened with him,the flirting,kissing,e.t.c,but i assumed he wanted a relationship with me at this moment in time.I thought that if he liked me enough,he would forget about his ex.My parents have a sixteen year gap,and one of my half brothers,who is the same age as the man i like at the minute,is seeing someone a year older than me !.All the men i've been involved with so far have been cruel to me except for one,and he is the one i probably should be with,he is the same age as me,but i just dont feel the same way about him as he does for me.He isnt an ex,he is just my friend.I bumped into another ex a while ago,one who was the same age,and he said hello but then blanked me.Before that,he had still been saying he liked me.We hadnt met up for along time,but he was still contacting me.The other older guy i mentioned just couldnt decide what he wanted.With my first boyfriend,we just drifted apart.I also feel more mature and young at the same time.I'm sorry that i dont have any advice for you,as i am going through it myself and could use some advice too,but i wanted to offer my support.Sometimes i think you can feel better knowing there are other people like you in the same situation.It's just a theory,but maybe we find the fact that older men are more experienced,exciting ?.Or maybe,it is like looking for a father figure,someone to look after you ?.And,i think the reason i dont like men,and even sometimes potential female friends,who are my age,because i hated being around people my age at school,and have done since,because they were immature.The only people my age i do like,which are the female friends i have,and there are only a couple of those,are the ones who have things in common with me.I hope i have helped.
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