A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:A guy I've been seeing for about 5 months told me he doesn't want me worrying about him so much. And that he's not used to having someone to check in with and doesn't really want to do that even though I've told him that it bothers me when he doesn't. (These are not ridiculous demands, times when he doesn't come home for hours on end) Is it possible to stop wondering where someone is? Or worrying about someone you care about? Also I asked if this is how a girlfriend should be treated, but he didn't seem to think we were there yet. And that we're still 'working on it'. And not to worry about labels. I feel so frustrated because I want to be with him and he treats me like his girlfriend all the time. I'm just having a hard time drawing the line??? Any advice? Do I need to cut it off? He says he doesn't want to do that either. And to just stop thinking about it. But of course he doesn't because he's getting the milk for free, right? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (16 January 2012):
 The problem is he doesn't think he is in a relationship. While you think you are in one. He acts as if he is single. You act as a girlfriend. Until that has been sorted out he doesn't feel you can make any demands, and you feel left hanging.
You said you don't play games, good. So just give it to him bluntly. "I want a relationship. I do not appreciate being left out hanging. Either you are in or you are out. If you want to be with me and be my boyfriend then I have certain things I need, one is communication. I need you to let me know if you are not coming home" (I assume home to you, because otherwise you wouldn't know, nor would you care, at what time he goes home to his own place).
Be prepared to walk though. If after 5 months you think you are in a relationship and care for him, while he doesn't think he is in a relationship and acts like he is still single (not checking in with you etc.), then it probably is because he's just not that into you. You ask yourself the question: what sort of relationship do YOU want, and is this it?
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (16 January 2012):
 How long does he go without contact? Does he not have a land line? Email?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2012): I would say yes to ending it if he can't call you a gf after 6 months, you should be there already.
And while he shouldn't have to account for his every move, responsible people do keep in touch with those they care about to let them know they are ok. If he goes for days with no contact I would wonder if he is seeing other people. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMaybe I wasn't very clear in my original post...I don't think asking a guy to let me know that he's not coming home for the night is really all that controlling... I'm not asking him to tell me when he gets to work and when he leaves or anything like that. I do trust him. But on nights when he loses his phone (which has happened twice, now) he's made no concerted effort to try to contact me until he gets the phone back. It's just hard for me because if that were me I wouldn't leave him hanging, but he doesn't think what he's doing is all that bad. It's just significant lack of communication.
I do realize I need to stop chasing him, but at the same time, I'm not trying to play games, we're beyond that stage. We're in a relationship, whatever it may be, but we are committed to each other. It's just hard to not worry about someone when they go MIA.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (16 January 2012):
I can't say I blame him. You may be fooling yourself but you won't fool most people. Expecting him to check in with you is a ridiculous demand and not one borne of concern, but a need for control.You're not worried something bad will happen to him, but that he will forget about you when you're apart. Five months of exclusive dating is more than enough time to make it official but I think your 'boyfriend' is reluctant to do so for fear that you'll use the title to try to assume greater control over his life. He is a grown man and you are not his mother. He is not obliged to account for the time he spends away from you, nor to check in when he gets home.If you stopped chasing him, he would chase you and you would have all the confirmation you need of his feelings and intentions.
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