A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Tell me if I'm over reacting...My boyfriend and I are in our 40's and have been dating for almost 2 years. He has a habit of putting women down. It could be a stranger that walks by in public "wow is she fat" or even a friend of ours such as "She is starting to look old and I don't see how her husband would want to have sex with her". I told him a few months ago that these unnecessary and in my opinion cruel comments really bothered me. So he said he would stop but he's done it again several times and again I told him it hurts me when he says mean things about my friends and women in general. Who cares if an overweight woman at the grocery store is buying ice cream. It's none of my business and not his either! I also think it's disrespectful when he says his ex wife now has a fat a*s and he can't see why he was ever attracted to her. He's also referred to her as a c*nt and he knows I hate that word.The final straw was a week ago when he started making comments about a very dear friend of mine. A woman who I love and respect and he knows this. She is probably 15 years older than us and he just went on and on about how old she was starting to look and that he thought she was probably attractive at one time but not anymore.We got into a big argument about it and I told him that deep down I fear that one day he will toss me a side if I start to look old. He assured me that I'm aging well and he thinks I'm attractive. And that I'm very insecure for thinking that and turned the argument around to me being too sensitive and over reacting. I hate to use the word misogynist but I'm wondering if maybe he is.
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ex-wife, his ex, insecure, overweight Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2015): You've had loads of good advice. Just my experience...My ex husband was like this and so we're his family. It was just one way his abusive personality came out. My warning is that this could just be the tip of a very unpleasant iceberg. My guess is he is or will be emotionally abusive towards you. Which actually this already is. He won't change. Get out while you can. A decent man will love your friends too.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2015): Just wanted to say that you sound like a good person. Be true to yourself. Honeypie is always fair with her replies and I totally agree with her here.
Funnily enough I look back on my similar ex and it's now all so black and white. All his comments and put downs of women close to me I care about followed by my puzzles looks and feelings. It still saddens me how much he disliked women in general. There was always a negagitive comment about their appearance. Even his sweet niece was "A fat little thing" And this girl was the sweetest ten year old girl with a heart of gold.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the responses. I know what he's doing is wrong. I'd be better off alone than having to listen to his degrading remarks. Shame on me for putting up with this for so long. I guess I just needed to hear it from unbiased people. I've told a few friends and they've all said while he's funny and charming if he's doing this I should leave him.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 June 2015):
 Sounds like today or tonight would be a great day to break up with the man who can't stop commenting on how ugly your female friends are, yet is able to stay mum as to whether he loves you or not.
Woman, seriously, wtf are you sticking around for? He can't be that good in bed, to erase all those awful comments.
Gather up your courage and say 'buh-bye' to this misogynist. If you don't, you may wind up missing meeting the guy who really does love, isn't afraid to say it and has been brought up right.
Take off the rose-colored glasses and look at him as though you were a casual unbiased bystander.
Good luck.
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male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (5 June 2015):
 Yp, sounds like one of those mysonogists to me hateshe females around that don't fit his vision of girly-girl. I'd get him some help. He obviously didn't have sisters growing up. They'd have whipped his butt early on and taught him a thing or two about having some manners.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 June 2015):
 EDIT - sorry my spell checker is a moron... *facepalm*
I wrote:
Just think about WHAT he said when you brought up the fear of YOU being a target... he IMMEDIATELY attracted you...
Should have been:
Just think about WHAT he said when you brought up the fear of YOU being a target... he IMMEDIATELY attacked you...
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 June 2015):
Yes, I have to ask why you are still with him?
Do you think somehow you can make his past experiences with women better?
I think his dad was a MAJOR Misogynist and HE learned from his dad how to PUT down women. That is something he probably will NEVER unlearn, not because he isn't capable (old dogs CAN learn new tricks) but because he BELIEVES wholeheartedly in his line of thinking that women are .... BELOW men.
And he WILL start on you at some point, I have NO doubt. Bur for now he keeps that under lock and key, my guess is... if you dump him you will see this trait in full blown version.
Just think about WHAT he said when you brought up the fear of YOU being a target... he IMMEDIATELY attracted you... You are too sensitive.. too insecure.. blah blah blah.. NO taking responsibility for HOW he treats women. In his eyes this is the "norm" and totally OK. But it's NOT. He is living with this dinosaur attitude and honestly.. doesn't DESERVE the love of a good woman.
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female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (4 June 2015):
 I don't think you are too sensitive and I also don't believe you are over reacting. Your boyfriend doesn't sound nice at all and his attitude towards women is something that should definitely be setting warning bells off in your head. Its only a matter of time before his cruel and cutting remarks will be focused on YOU. He doesn't know if he loves you and has never said the words after 2 years? And he makes the remark that you are aging well??
Sweetie..this is so easy and you know the answer already. This is a situation where you don't walk away..you RUN.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 June 2015):
 Then why are you still WITH him? If he's as horrible as you say, then why haven't you ALREADY left?! It's a lie that a woman over a certain age has to become desperate for any man's interest, so drop his ass to the curb and be done with it already!
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGarbo - no he's not saying these things to make me feel better. I've told him several times they are mean and hurtful and he continues to say them anyway. There is more to the story but I didn't feel it necessary to get into in my original post. He didn't have a good childhood and doesn't get along with his mother. He did once say to me that he thinks his father could have done better because his mother grew up poor. I thought that was a strange thing to say. He's also said that he could have done better than his ex-wife. I told him because I'm divorced also that I don't feel that way about my ex. I just think I could have done different. I'm half the equation in my divorce so surely some of the problems were mine too. And to your last paragraph he has never said he loves me. After almost 2 years of dating he still can't decide if he's ready to fall in love. That's what he said.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (4 June 2015):
 Some men use disparaging statements about women that they come in contact with as a way to assure the woman with whom they are with that she is the best of the bunch and that he is happy that he has committed to such a woman. Even the stranger you cite that walks by is a "known" female because you see her. This maybe the case with your guy because in your post, all the women whom he had negative comments about are known to both of you. In other words, the negativity doesen't seem to be random, evil musing about females with whom he has no contact. Now, I maybe wrong and there maybe more to this story, but after reading your post several times, this was a clear pattern in his behavior, namely, to target negative comments about women who in some way are in contact or come in contact with you. If so, then his derogatory comments are personality-specific, meaning they are not generalized, angry rants against all females, which would imply some sort of a psychosis. It is, therefore, also very likely that all of these specific women are very unlike you as well, either in looks or in habit. So the point that I am trying to make is that there are types of men who like to define why they love whom they love by contrasting the negatives of all of those whom they are not with. It gives them sense of comfort that the woman they picked is the correct one, that she is the best in the bunch and that his woman should feel secure that he would not have gone for those women. Maybe your guy is such type.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (4 June 2015):
I agree with Honeypie 100%, and to be honest, anyone who could talk that way about anyone else, whether it was my partner or a friend of mine, I'd want to get away from.
YES, he's a misogynist, but he's also manipulative and VERY negative. Telling him to knock off the comments doesn't help in this case, because it's what he's thinking, and a guy with an outlook like this is not someone you should be anywhere near. So WHAT if he thinks you're "aging well"? His comments are manipulative because he can keep you off-balance by making comments, as if you have to live up to HIS opinion rather than the other way around. Sorry, but his opinion of other people's attractiveness should be worth zero weight in your eyes.
Not only that, but the way he refers to his ex-wife alone should be a dealbreaker to you. When a guy runs down his ex like that, calling her names like "psycho" and ripping into her appearance for no reason, you know that that is what is in store for you should you ever fall out of his favor. It's similar to having a friend who breaks confidences at will - if he does it with you, he'll do it TO you.
You need to get away from him and fast. His comments are controlling, and the more you stay in this relationship, the more he'll start putting YOU down. Don't be fooled by the "It's everyone else, not you" line of crap. Any guy who uses the "C" word about another women deserves to be alone.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2015): My ex boyfriend used to be similar. If he saw an overweigt woman he would pull a face or make a demeaning comment about her being a moose or frugly or a dyke. He had a poor relationship with his mother and that concerned me too.
The last straw for me was when after various mean comments about my sister and best friend he started criticising my weight gain of 4lbs last Christmas and I am a UK size 10-12.
Yes I was wondering when the tables would turn on me! The thing is he was no oil painting and far from perfect.
I ended the relationship soon after. I could not stand this mean cruel streak in him.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (4 June 2015):
I would not like that either. It should such a GENERAL disrespect for women. NOT just the ones you know, but random strangers. And yes, I would NOT be surprised if at some point he will start to critique you as well.
I don't think you are being "too sensitive or insecure" he is displaying a habit and personality trait that is VERY unattractive and downright rude.
Misogynist is a "mild" term for your BF.... I could find several more fitting words for a guy like that... but I have manners...
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