A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend going on two years now, and everything (for the most part) is going well. But I'm starting to think I'm too nice to him, and that he's either taking me for granted, or maybe sees me as being too "easy" or even boring. When we're together, we have a BLAST. We make each other laugh like crazy, and our sex life is good, so I don't mean boring in that way. But I go out of my way to do stuff for him (sometimes when he asks, and sometimes just on my own). For example, if we spent the night at his place and he has to leave to go to work in the morning, I'll cook him breakfast before he leaves, and I'll stay and tidy up, finish his laundry, etc. And right now, he's in the process of moving to a new place (he gave me a key to the new place), so I sometimes go over there to take a few things of his or to unpack things, etc. I always tell him beforehand, I don't just go over there without his knowledge. The reason I'm so available for him is that the school where I was teaching closed, and I've been out of work since July 2012. And every single time he asks me to do something, or to meet him somewhere, or to come over, I always say yes. But then again, he (almost) always says yes when I ask him. We're both in our early 30's, we both have one child, but he is divorced, and I've never even been engaged. I think I'm just too eager to get the ring on my finger, that I do everything I can to be the best girlfriend I can be, but I think I'm on the verge of being kinda pathetic. Any tips or advice for me of what I should do from this point forward? I should mention that it is in my nature to be a caretaker, and I love doing things for other people. But I also want to keep my dignity in tact and not come off as being weak or too available all the time. Thanks for reading.
View related questions:
divorce, engaged, sex life Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 March 2013):
 I don't think anyone can be too nice, to be honest. But there is difference between being nice, helpful and being taken advantage off.
You seem to WANT to do these things for him. The thing is DO you do them to PLEASE him or because you like to "take care" of him (and others)?
If you are currently out of work maybe all the care-taking is your way of NOT spending time figuring out WHAT you NEED to do instead? (as far as getting a job or go back to school) Is the reason you aren't seeing your friends much HIM or because you aren't currently working? As in are you OVER COMPENSATING the GF role because there are areas in your life you aren't happy with, but if you keep busy you fill that void?
I would at times hold back a little, not to play games, but let him know that you KNOW he can take care of himself as well. For instance I think it's nice you get up and make him breakfast if you stay over, but I would just clean up after that and leave. Let him do his laundry and tidy up.
I DO think you need to do things for YOU. Find something YOU want to do/learn and then go for it. And You need to not forget your friends.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 March 2013):
 Do you want to play games or be yourself? If you change your behavior to “not be too subservient, clingy or available” are you making these changes to keep him, get him to commit or because you want to make these changes?
If you miss your friends, then go spend time with your friends. I’m married so I see my hubby every day (some days for a lousy ten minutes lately it seems)…. But one thing I do is make time to do things with my girlfriends. I’ve gone on girls weekend, I take yoga, I go out to dinner about 2 times a month with gfs… usually on weeknights. I reserve weekend nights for hubby unless it’s a very special occasion.
If you are a committed couple then it’s common courtesy to share schedules. I always let my partner know what I’m doing as far in advance as possible…. Just out of courtesy not to make him jealous or anything like that. Now we are in the same household so we have a joint calendar that every Sunday emails our weeks schedule to him… I put my plans on the calendar for him to see.
IF you feel too available and you miss your friends by all means start spending more time with your friends… that’s not game playing… NOT sitting around being available for him is a good idea. But if you are free and he asks don’t cut off your nose to spite your face.
Just get back to going out regularly with your friends… take a class or a new exercise program.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@So Very Confused... I do it because I want to, but am wondering if I should reel in a bit as to not come off as too subservient, too clingy, too available. We have discussed marriage, mostly in the hypothetical. He'll often say things like, "if we get married, ....." And I do the same. Things like that. I have realized that for the past year or so, I have really stopped hanging out and even talking much to my friends, and I know that's not good. So last night I reached out to a few I haven't Hung out with for awhile and made plans. Maybe if I just continue to focus more on myself as one of the other comments suggested, everything will just kind of fall into place naturally and I won't feel like im so available for him.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 March 2013):
Are you doing the things you do because you want to or because you think if you do them he will marry you?
Are you doing them to "be the best gf you can be" or because you want to.
I love taking care of my partner. I don't do it because I'm supposed to or because it makes me a better wife/gf/partner.
The things I do are because I want to.
If you think you are pathetic (even if you are a caretaker) then maybe it's the wrong reason.
What makes you question yourself? Two years dating... and you want to be engaged don't you? have you asked him about it?
He may or may not wish to escalate your relationship. And if he does not... what do you wish to do about it? Settle for what you have or do you wish to move on?
...............................
A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (28 March 2013):
 So you have a good relationship?
LMAO it really is that rare isn't it that you immediately get scared.
Just enjoy it and enough with the over thinking. Perhaps you have too much free time? Time to get back to work or join a club or something.
...............................
A
female
reader, KristenUSA +, writes (28 March 2013):
 I think you can't be to nice to a bf as long as he appreciates it and is nice and respectful in return.
...............................
A
female
reader, chinana  +, writes (28 March 2013):
 Dear OP, if you are naturally a caregiver then thats alright because thats who you are BUT if you are faking the caregiver personality to get a ring on your finger then you might come across as being too eager to please.
Have you encountered relationships where you were taken for granted because of your kindness and gentleness, this could be what is triggering your insecurity regards your current relationship. If you and your boyfriend get along and he is caring and loving then you have nothing to worry about, enjoy each others company.
If you dont want to come across as being too 'available' then you can keep yourself busy, have something that you do for you, a hobby, take up a class in something or get a job. Goodluck.
...............................
|
