A
male
age
41-50,
*over lover
writes:I’ve been married for 6 months now and I have been with my wife for 1 ½ years. We are both Christians, but we met while we were in our previous marriages. I found out early in the relationship that she had an affair about 9 years earlier with a state trooper and it lasted about 3 years. It bothered me at first but then it got worse as time went by, to the point it drives me crazy sometimes. I asked her many details about him and all about their relationship, including how much they had sex, where they had sex, and what positions they had sex, how she felt about him, did she enjoy him, etc. She claims that for the first year, they met once or twice a week, then he decided to marry his girlfriend because she was having their child. They stopped for a couple months and then she went back. They began having sex again and met once or twice a month for the next 2 years. They would go in her car, in her house, but mostly some apartments that his friend owned. She claims that the only reason she kept doing it was because she didn’t respect her husband and it was better than she had at home. She says the sex was Ok but he didn’t last that long most of the time. I asked if she had orgasms and she said never, but the only way she has them with me is when she uses her vibrator during sex. There wasn’t much oral sex. She said she wasn’t in love with him, but she did love him and they didn’t tell each other much. We have some incredible sex and we love each other very much. But my mind’s eye is killing me. I picture her spreading her legs for him, her on top of him riding him, and him behind her, and her making noises. I imagine her loving being screwed by him. She claims it wasn’t a wild sex type of relationship but just an escape from her lifeless marriage. Why would she continue to do it for so long if it wasn’t that good? I think the only reason she didn’t go be with him was because of her family’s faith and her 4 year old daughter. They remained friends who chatted and met once in a while for lunch in public. How do I get these thoughts, images, and noises out of my mind? Why can’t I let it go when I didn’t even know her back then? I hear people say that “the past is the past and you can’t change it”, but that doesn’t work with me. Whenever we I (we) see a trooper, I begin to think about them together. I asked her if she ever thinks about him and she says No, but when we see a trooper, his name may briefly cross her mind. When I bring this up, we usually end up fighting.I am a Christian man who believes in God’s mercy, grace, love , and forgiveness. I am not crazy, just jealous that another man had my wife turned on that much and was doing her for 3 years. I want to add that I too have a past with affairs, but most of them were 1 night stands or very short flings. She tells me I am better than him in all ways, I am better in bed, and I am bigger than him. What can I do to not think about her having sex with him? She has only had sex with 5 guys, including me, but this one really bothers me. Please help!
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (29 March 2013):
 "I picture her spreading her legs for him, her on top of him riding him, and him behind her, and her making noises. I imagine her loving being screwed by him."
Read that again. There is your primary problem. By picturing her like this and imagining her like this you are driving yourself mad.
Your escape is to stop thinking about it. To stop imaging it. The only reality this has now is in your mind. If it ceases to exist there it ceases to exist altogether.
Consider these things:
- Do you want to stay with your wife?
- Do you want to stay with her enough to be willing to go through the pain and change necessary to beat this?
- If no, then that's ok. Many men face this and can't handle it. There's no shame in that. Although I will say what you face is not so bad when you measure against a man that finds out his wife lied to him about 50 casual sex encounters before him. Be grateful she has had sex with only 4 other men. In these times your chance of finding someone with less than that is almost zero.
- If the answer is yes, then great. But know it means you'll need deep conviction and a willingness to face your fears and overcome them.
Then read the link posted by Tisha below.
A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (28 March 2013):
 Dont be jealous man. Focus on the bigger picture n thats u n her n the future. That guy apparently had nowhere near to what you have to offer her personality wise. I used to have the same problem bro. I used to be this soft ass wuss wanting a clean girl with no past. I got tired of dealing with it so I got big n made a past of my own so I wont care wat she did. Dont worry about him. Shes done.
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A
male
reader, dougbcoll +, writes (28 March 2013):
 ok you both have a past cheating in marriage, adultry, affair, one night stands ect.... the problem you have is with thought of your wife even though she was married at time , she was cheating with a man "state trooper". she gave you detail enough about her time with him . one reason it bothers you is because you love and care about your wife. you cant stand the thought of another man touching her sexually . its like you are there in there past in the room watching them, right?? i have the same problem with my wife that i love. i have been married 30 years and it still bothers me. what hurts me is she was 17 a virgin while we dated. we broke up , got back together and i found out she had been with a few guys while we were apart . i have seen those images like watching a movie, and its no fun. " the past is the past, you cant change it". that may be true but that doe's not help, and to be honest i get tired of hearing it. your problem is not really "jealousy " i don't think. its more like a feeling of hurt, disgust, feeling of lose. also maybe a feeling of being less special with her that someone else has taken some of that from you two. i have those same feelings, and thoughts. i don't know of a easy cure , i have been battling this for many years. the best thing i can tell you is get to the point of giving her acceptance, forgiveness, and unconditional love. that is what Christ gave us from the cross. i hope this helps, you are not alone.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (28 March 2013):
 I'm with Jannie on this, and I'd like to add that both of you have a past that's not clean cut. One night stands are just as destructive and profound as her affair with the state trooper. You both are in your marriage starting out with a handicap of trust on both sides. You both have had the taste for cheating, so building trust between each other will be more difficult than if you both had faithful backgrounds.
It doesn't help you to be focused on her past history any more than it would help her to be focused on yours. However, focus on building trust in the here and now, which is all you have and all you will ever have. Don't sacrifice the here and now for an obsession with the past. Both of you have been locked in passionate embraces with others in the past. You're on equal footing.
What you can do to not think about it is to...think about it! But in perspective. Instead of being consumed with her being with the trooper, think about the fact that she's no longer with him. If he was this bringer of pleasure, why isn't she still with him? No, she's with you. You are the last and final. She is your last and final. This trooper guy is in the dust. If they're not friends now and are no longer in contact, you have nothing to worry about. If they are still in contact, then that has to stop.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (28 March 2013):
 It puzzles me how you can overlook the cheating part and focus on something so miniscule compared to what she had done. She cheated 3 whole years. She did not respect her ex husband, and the trooper's wife. This is not someone who showed remorse over what she did and justified cheating. There was nothing special about the trooper. It could be anybody. The 3 years did not mean she enjoyed him. It meant she found an escape and did not get caught. It wasn't the sex that was good. It was the secrecy and the thrill of doing something taboo. It also wasn't that she was addicted to him and couldn't stop. They probably had schedules that work out for each other and could be discreet. It became a habit and didn't find a reason to stop. You make it sound like the trooper, being able to keep a woman's attention for that long, is something to look up to. As if being a stud, a cheating asshole is more applaudable than a good honest Christian who loves more with his head, his heart and not just his penis.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 March 2013):
 You have what is called retroactive jealousy, and it appears to be related to OCD. Intrusive thoughts and images and fantasies which have been fed through intensive questioning and obsessive thoughts.
I have an article with some links that may be of help to you: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retrograde-jealousy.html
There is an aunt here http://www.dearcupid.org/people/yos who has written many posts on this topic and I believe he has the best approach.
You have to decide. Either you recognize that this is your problem and you deal with it, which means no more questioning of her and seeking therapy for the intrusive thoughts, or you let her go.
Do you think you have the mental discipline to solve your own mind's obsessive thinking? If yes, then try. If no, then quit.
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