A
female
age
41-50,
*olalsola
writes:Been married for 14 now first 10 were great, seems like I was living in a dream, but I had to wake up when he started getting aggressive, crazy, spacing out, staying out for long or wanting me to go for a few days with my family; my son 6then comes and tells me his dad been hiding a phone and then on I was in shock.He was so serious about separating, he wanted to stay married so we could have insurance, I actually try to approached him and taking therapy for me because I made him feel trapped and he wanted to see what was out there for him, I was wrong and it was my fault. I tried to go away but I could stay away from him it worried me so much and to tell the truth I was scared of because of me I lost a beautiful marriage I wanted him back. He came to me and told me calmly, serene that he didn't love me anymore.After some time I came back we wanted to try and work things out but my anxiety grew and I started investigating checking how far he went and else, ok now we live together again but emotionally apart when I got angry he threaten me saying if I wanted him to go back to were he found those past girls there were more if I wouldn't stop. Every time I ask for an explanation he just walks away and doesn't want to talk about it it can take as many days as I can take not talking to him as I want for me to calm down and he won't try to reach me.Our life before was great (u see for me only I guess) great talking, activities, etc sex even now none of any I have the impulse of starting to look for a friend or something but I still feel lonely and empty. This has being going on for 4 to 4 years and he says is my fault again because I can't even handle him any more, because I don't want to work it out with him, of course I have part of fault in making him feel bad before, between making him stay because he was clear he wanted to go and now to stay but how do I change it. It drives me crazy that I'm married to this person that if u knew him as his family, my family and our friends is very nice, friendly happy, works hard, doesn't smoke, doesn't drink non bad habits but with me is so dry. Never touches me, never kissed me on the mouth only friendly kisses, we barely talk he prefers to fix a car or watch a movie, we have going out time as family but we are always busy on something, I just feel soo lonely
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female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (11 September 2014):
You have got some good advice here. I would say prepare yourself to leave and to live without him. He is blaming you for his own faults, and you are so used to taking his abuse that you believe that it is your fault. Really you would be better off without him, and I know you deserve better than this. Your son doesnt need to grow up thinking that it is normal for husbands to mistreat their wives, he already knows something is not right because he told you about your husbands secret phone. Children observe and understand alot, even if they dont understand what is happening they remember it, and once they get older they work things out for themselves. Im sure you are a good mother, but your husband is not being a good father as long as he treats you badly. I can tell your confidence is low, you are staying because you believe that this is your fault and you are probably wondering how you can make it better. The truth is you can only make it better by getting out of this marriage and taking your son with you. Your husband wants to separate but not divorce because of insurance. You deserve so much more than this, you dont want to regret staying in an unhappy marriage in 10 or 20 years time. I think you know that you deserve better, otherwise you wouldnt write in here. Prepare to get out of this abusive and soul destroying situation. It isnt easy but I promise it will be worth it. Please come back and update us.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 September 2014):
 What you are paying now in emotional terms sounds a heavy price to pay for the sake of keeping your health insurance , are you sure it's worthy it ?
Your husband may very well be a good person but he is not being a good husband , in fact now he is being more like a roommate than a husband. If you were OK with that/resigned to it ( some couples find at times their own balance in these kind of arrangements ) it would be a different thing, but you are suffering and stressed out. So I do not quite understand because you both are so set on continuing the pretense of a marriage- he wanted his freedom, and would rather be on his own and sleep around; you are unhappy because you do not get anything a wife should get. So... why continuing ?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2014): I think you're in a state of denial. In fear of moving forward, and ending your "once upon a time dream marriage." He had some kind of strange change of heart along the way, and I think that "hidden phone" has been around for a long-time. While you were in your dreamworld. You lost touch with reality, and he was sneaking around behind your back the whole time; until your son caught him.
Your holding on to what used to be, is confusing your child; and your life is up in the air. You can go on living in your old dream world, waiting for what you thought you had to come back. You gave it a chance, and it didn't.
Your husband has made it clear he wants out. He's making weird threats about having other women waiting. I can tell English is your second-language, and you must be of a foreign culture. A lot of your post doesn't make sense; but I can understand enough that you're not in touch with reality.
If you're not just posting an American flag as your country of origin above your post and you are truly an American citizen. Time to come down to earth, get a divorce attorney, and prepare to give your husband what he has asked you for. A divorce.
Take everything you need to support you and your son. Be sure he fulfills his moral and financial responsibilities as a father. Time to start your own life. I hope you you have a job; and the means to support yourself and your son.
Most of all, I hope you do live in America, and the law will protect your you and your son while you're getting on your feet as a single-mother. Don't be so quick to get another man. You have to start getting your own life in order; because you have a long way to go from here.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 September 2014):
 What do you get out of staying?
Do you really believe that it's ALL your fault? If so, why? What did you do that was so wrong that him cheating is OK?
Can you take care of yourself (and child) without his money? If so, why not divorce him and SET yourself FREE?
You post makes me sad, because you do seem to believe your husband's bullcrap.
Don't you want MORE for yourself?
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