A
male
age
41-50,
*usttired
writes:I've been with my girlfriend for about a year and a half. A few months ago, a friend of mine broke up with his girlfriend. Right after that, I started noticing that he was beginning to pay much more attention to my girlfriend. A few weeks went by, and I realized that the guy and my girlfriend were starting to develop kind of a "special" little relationship that often didn't include me. I didn't want to seem like a jealous idiot, so I didn't say anything for a while. As their connection evolved, and eventually became too much to bear, I finally talked to my girlfriend about it, and let her know that I wasn't comfortable with what was going on...she denied and defended herself and their "relationship", and tried to make me feel like I was overreacting. It wasn't until the guy did a couple things in social situations that were just "over the line" that my girlfriend finally admitted what was going on between them was inappropriate, and I was justified in making an issue out of it.The problem is that recently another friend of mine broke up with his girlfriend. I've known the guy for about 2 years, and my girlfriend has known him since we've been together (about a year and a half). Suddenly, however, they are interacting much more in social situations, looking at each other differently, sharing cute little inside jokes, and just generally "sweeter" with each other. So the nature of their relationship has changed dramatically since my friend became single.I'm seeing the same kinds of things happening between them that I saw months ago with the other guy, and feeling the same deep discomfort that I felt then. I just keep asking myself the questions: "why should my friends' relationship status have anything at all to do with their relationship with my girlfriend?" "I mean, why do things change when they become single? Why has my girlfriend suddenly pursued and built closer relationships with my newly single friends? If it only happened once, I'd just get over it...but now it's happening again...What am I supposed to do? Am I crazy?
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male
reader, justtired +, writes (16 February 2011):
justtired is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks (I think male, although it says female) Anonymous, I hear what you're saying, but my sense is that there's more emotional subtlety to what going on than just lack of respect. It might ultimately turn out that I'm just barking up the wrong tree, but for now at least, I'm going to stick it out and see if this situation can be massaged into something more healthy.
...and believe me, at this point I've definitely put my foot down, but I also don't want to set the stage for an awkward situation within my group of friends. The first time this happened it was with a guy I hadn't known long - and now I don't associate with at all...snip. This time it's with a guy who I'm much closer with, so I don't want to pound my chest too much if I can avoid it...
A
male
reader, justtired +, writes (16 February 2011):
justtired is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks (female) Anonymous, your reply really resonates with me, and sounds like a solid perspective. In fact, you've literally taken the words right out of my mouth with some of your comments (my girlfriend and I have had many discussions related to her "emotional habits"), in particular your mentioning the idea that there's probably a deeper problem here.
I think we have a pretty strong relationship in many ways, and I do love her, so I'm not quite ready to give up, but for reasons that go beyond her behavior with my newly single friends, I've realized that I've been suffering from a kind of emotional starvation...almost, but not quite, a neglect. There are walls and old scars that have kept me on the outside in important ways...while others get let in, even if only for brief periods.
Although she's been open to discussing the deeper issues (and you're right, she is a sweet person), there's still a kind of resistance to acknowledging "what's really going on here" that is making me uncomfortable. So I've decided (actually, before I posted my question) to move out of our apartment for a while. I've rented another apartment for a month...so we'll see how it goes...I definitely need (lots of) space right now.
Thanks again, wish me luck...and I invite any followup comments you might have.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2011): I am sure your girlfriend doesn't realize quite what she's doing here. She sounds like a sweet person who isn't that self-aware about her actions.
But essentially, she's manipulating both you and the guys who are newly single in order to get attention because she feels flattered and fluttery when she has guys flocking around her. It's not uncommon behaviour, but it is unhealthy.
The newly single guys are vulnerable. They are probably ready to let their guard down emotionally in ways that they wouldn't be normally. She probably kids herself that she's being a super friend to them in their time of need, but really she's using their unusual openness to get close to them - inappropriately close - because it flatters her ego to have male attention in this way (she probably even isn't aware that this is the reason she acts this way, and would react with anger if she was told so - nonetheless, it's true!). The situation she's creating, far from being supportive is actually not healthy at all for the guys concerned - they will undoubtedly be confused at getting this kind of personal attention from a woman who is 'taken', and conflicted between their friendship for you and feelings for her.
You've taken a very sensible, measured approach to the situation, and you drew the line exactly when you should have. You're not being insanely jealous or acting irrationally. Rather, you have made it clear that you find this type of behaviour upsetting and that it's affecting your trust in your partner - and she's ignored you. That suggests a deeper problem to me.
Usually, women who act in this way have low self-esteem and find it necessary to get excitement and self-worth from the outside, rather than finding them from more stable sources within. I suggest that you talk to her about this, very gently, with a view to getting at a deeper level that her behaviour. She's clearly insecure, and possibly lacking in self-esteem: maybe she needs some kind of professional help with those underlying issues to be able to establish healthy and appropriate friendships with men. This needs a softly-softly approach, because I guarantee she'll try to fob you off with excuses like 'It was just that one guy who didn't realize where the lines were and I'm wiser now' or 'I'm just being a friend to those in need' etc.
I do feel for you having to deal with this. I do think it's important that you set out some standards for yourself about what you will and will not tolerate. Be open about them, and be prepared to stick to them. You don't have to be brutal, but if she continues to ignore your feelings, you might have to show some serious warning flags to make her understand how serious this really is (e.g. saying you are disappointed in her and need some space to think things over for a few days). At the same time, you need to offer her all the help and support she needs when she is ready to confront her own issues and accept that this behaviour isn't right.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2011): Dude, I went through a similar situation with my ex (hence why she isn't my girlfriend anymore). It seems like your girlfriend is attention starved. If you already told her this type of interaction makes you uncomfortable, out of respect for you, and your relationship, she should have stopped already. You're not crazy, put your foot down and tell her how she is making you feel. Someone who truly loves you would never make you feel uncomfortable, or do things that she KNOWS make you uncomfty. I don't know how serious, or how deep the relationship is, so I can't advice you to drop her. What I would advice you, is to ask yourself whether you are willing to put up with someone who disrespects you like this.
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