A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Am I too clingy or do we not see each other enough? I am my boyfriend's first legitimate and serious girlfriend. I, on the other hand, have experienced a serious relationship before. I am the type of person that really loves to devote myself to my partner. I feel that my partner is my best friend and the one I love to spend the most time with. Granted, we need time apart. I don't need to be with him every second of the day or even every day. I want some time to myself, as I know he needs his. Here's the thing: We met online and, fortunately, lived very close to one another. He lives in a nearby town, only fifteen minutes away. We both are young (I'm 20. He's 21), in college, and living at home. So, we can't exactly have adult sleep overs or anything. My boyfriend works usually five days a week and about eight hours a day. I know he works full time and is busy. I know that when he comes home he is tired. So, we rarely, if ever, see one another after one of his work days. On his days off, which are unfortunately weekdays, he sometimes has errands to run and things to do for his Mother, who isn't in the best of health. I don't flip out on him because I try to be understanding, but I can't help but feel that we don't see one another enough. Sometimes, we only see each other once in a week's time for maybe a few hours. I'm on summer break now and bend willingly to his schedule because I want to see him and I love him. However, I will be going back to school and to my campus job within the next few weeks. He, too, will be back in school. I fear our few hours will dwindle to nothing. I feel like we're in a long distance relationship even though we are only fifteen minutes apart. I guess what really irks me is that I used to be in his shoes, working a similar food service job with long hours. I, however, never let that stop me from having a life. Sure, some days I was beat and just wanted to go home and sleep, but other days I would still go out with friends and have a life. My boyfriend will go home and I will see he is on Xbox until 2 or 3 am, just playing games. I'm not saying that's wrong and I believe he is surely entitled to some unwinding time, but he ALWAYS does that after work and never makes time to see me a little more. He does try to make time on his days off, but we often can't because he has things to do for his Mom and such. Though, I often will see him up late playing games on those days too. I know he isn't messing around or lying. I've met his Mom on a few occasions. She's nice to me and I can tell he isn't stretching about the health issues.When he does come over, though, he never can stay past 11 or 12, which I find bizarre as he is 21 years old, not sixteen or something. My parents treat me like an adult and allow me to do the things I wish to do and when I wish to do them so long as they have my respect and know that I am being responsible and doing what I say I'm doing. So, I find his situation weird. His Mom is a little controlling it seems. He's an only child and she is a single mom. I know their relationship is not the same as I have with my parents. However, I feel like he needs to man up a bit and live his own life to an extent. The last time he came over, he could only stay until 11. I asked why he always has to leave, especially when I see he stays up, and he said that his Mom complains about the car being out late (it is technically hers and not his, but she can't drive at night anyways). I asked why she felt that way and he said he didn't know. I basically said, "Look, you're 21. Not 12. Doesn't she trust you?" (My boyfriend is pretty straight laced and, dare I say, dorky. She has nothing to worry about) He basically just told me that she's overprotective because he is her only child and that she has always been this way. I told him to talk to her and he said he was just going to keep planning on buying his own car so she can no longer complain about him being out with the car. He then opened up more and said that she was the reason he's never had much of a life because she has always been a bit controlling when it comes to him going places and doing things. He and I have been discussing going on a trip come spring time and I then asked if she would freak out once she heard our plans. He replied, "Yeah, probably... But I don't care. I'll do what I want." I just stopped there because I could see he was getting irritated thinking about it. My thoughts, though, were that she will find another reason to tell him to come home/stay home/not stay out late, though, even if it is his car or he has such an attitude. He always says he is worried about upsetting her because of her health. (She's not knocking on death's door, though) So, I don't think things will change quite so easily. I just feel that we are young and should be having more fun, but he won't make time for it and his Mom scares him into not doing things he wants to do. Am I overreacting and being too clingy or do we really not see each other enough? How do I tackle this situation? Do I tell him straight out that I need to see him more and he needs to man up a bit, or am I being inconsiderate? I know he has other responsibilities and I don't want him to totally disrespect his mother. However, shouldn't we be acting our age and being treated like adults? We're both mature. We don't party or go gallivanting around town. So, isn't that the least we deserve? Time together and respect for the relationship we have? How do I talk to him? How do I get him to make more time? I can't be in a relationship where I only see someone for maybe four hours during a week. I just can't. Am I being selfish?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, VelvetUnderground  +, writes (7 August 2011):
Your not being self at all, i can totally see why you feel this way, its totally understandable, must people would feel the same and your being kind and lovely about it respecting his mother and not just going mental at him.
the good thing is he knows is mother is being overprotective butt he doesn't seem to understand the effect it has on you.
yeah your willing to drop everything for him but he has to be willing to do the same for you for the relationship to work.
arrangement one day/night which spend totally togther no antion of mum, just you two being in love, stick to it then try and do little things togther at other points, walk a dog togther if you have one, shop together (you could even buy things for the mum, to keep her happy), watch a show together
This can work but you both need to try equally as hard
hope this helped! good luck !
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