A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I used to talk dirty with my very close guy friend P (read: sexting). We had a deal that it was just for fun and only talking and it wasnt gonna go anywhere. But one day we had a drunken makeout session. Soon after our friendship soured and we stopped talking. I met a guy through him, S. S and I started dating in june of last year and it ended three months later. S has treated me very badly actually. He's been a real jerk- kept bringing up bullshit issues and mocking me and everything. When he asked me out I told him about what happened with P and i told him, "Look Im not perfect. Ive made a really big mistake and you wont believe how much i regret that now. If you wanna start dating after knowing this, its your choice!"He still said he wanted to date.We went on for three months but we fought almost every week. Normally Im a really impatient person and Im pretty headstrongI really love this guy and I was a totally different person. One day my cousin brother (younger by 8 months) asked me if i knew what a banana meant. (we were reading some sidney sheldon novel) I said yeah and he gave me this big lecture on how not to sit, stand, etc so that i dont attract unwanted attention and we also discussed the not so decent meanings of fruits. my ex heard about his from God knows where and he told me this while breaking up. He says that was one of his reasons and that he was disgusted i was so desperate and dirty. I still dont know why we broke up and we broke up september last year. We keep fighting and all i wanna know is he called me a slut. Looking at whatever has happened, am I one?
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (22 January 2012):
 Remind yourself any time you doubt this:
The Answer is: He has NO RIGHT EVER to call you that nasty name. No excuses. Nothing justifies him calling you that and whatever you did in private with anyone else still DOES NOT JUSTIFY his remark.
Remind yourself of this: You are an articulare intelligent nice young lady. End of Story.
And any guy who does not treat you are the articulare intelligent nice young lady you REALLY ARE then he needs to be shown the door.
Is that totally clear? he is the one who has revealed himself as NOT A GENTLEMAN. As such he is not worthy to be in the same room as you for calling you that name. Or at the very least he needs to apologize. Though if it is not a sincere apology then he can still be persona-non-grata.
His actions were what was unacceptable in calling you that name.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAbella, olderthandirt, N91, Banshee, Honeypie and Tisha-1: thank you soo much for your replied and advice guys.The thing is, my ex may sound kind of uptight here but I really dont know whether or not I was wrong still.Its hard to explain but see P hasnt told anyone anything. I know this for a fact. But I felt like I had to tell S about what happened because I know if he had found out later on while we were dating he would definitely call me a liar and NEVER look at my face again. And then id lose him as a friend too. So I told him. P hasnt told anyone anything. Even when S asked him he said he denied it. My ex wasnt even ready to believe something ever happened with me and P then.Now I have never made out with a guy who was my boyfriend actually. Im 17 and I've had 4 exes before S and nothing ever happened. I was just not interested in anything more than hugging and i mean no holding hands also! Then this thing with P happened. And that really kinda f*cked me up. Really. I got into a real mess in my life. S was the first boyfriend i made out with and things got pretty darn far with him. We didnt have sex of any kind but that was it.And now.. when he called me a s^^t I dont know if he is right or not..
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (20 January 2012):
 Welcome to the wonderful double standard. A guy who sexts takes no heat for it, a girl who does is labeled a slut.
I think your 'deal' was broken when you did have a drunken make out session. How old are you? 16 or 17? Way too young to handle your alcohol and indeed too young to be legally drinking. What you got set up for was being judged, as girls who drink a lot, make out and sex text are viewed as being 'easy' or 'slutty.' Even if you didn't intend it, those are the unpleasant consequences of your choices.
So your actions ripple out and create reactions in people. Some will think it's funny, some will think it's just part of experimenting and growing up, others will tell you that you are on a path to a really bad reputation. It depends on who that person is. For some reason, some young men think that any girl who makes the choices that you do indicates that you are somehow tarnished or dirty. It's all in their own perceptions. You can't control how people react to what you do, but you can take a look at how you present yourself and how you interact with people that may be sending a message you don't intend.
First, stop the drinking. You are too young, as you can't handle the consequences yet. I know it looks like fun and makes you giddy and all that but it does lead to problems, one of which you are experiencing now. Some guys take advantage of drunk girls because they think the girls have given them permission to do so because they are drunk. Of course, the girl may not want to do anything of the kind but the inhibitions are down. Or maybe the girl really does want to fool around and uses the alcohol as an excuse to take it a bit further.
Second, the thing about sexting is that your words are out there, they can be copied and forwarded and you may be reaching a wider audience than you realize. Some guys get a kick out of sharing pics girls have sent them with their friends. Those pictures get circulated and pretty soon, some girl's bare boobs are on all the phones in school. I doubt that girl has any idea that her boobs are out there and then she wonders why people are laughing at her behind her back.
People can be untrustworthy and fickle and all those kinds of easily copy/pasted/forwarded digital files are like a feast for people who like to gossip and giggle and laugh at people. So I think a wise strategy is to think about how you'd feel if your mom came across the conversation on your phone. Assume that it will happen. Put that internal censor on so as you text, you won't regret any messages later.
At this point, as you have acquired this reputation, all you can do is ride it out and don't add any fuel to that fire any more. Become boring and don't sext and eventually, the risqué stuff will be forgotten. Definitely don't drink. If your life is a mess, is there an adult you can talk to? Your mom? or an aunt or older cousin? Sometimes a woman who has been in your shoes and knows you can give some pretty decent advice. I'd give that person a chance to help you, if you can manage to let go and trust them, as you trusted the teen guy you sexted. In fact, they'd be a much better bet to open up to, than a horny teenage guy.
So hang in there, watch your actions as they have those icky consequences and you'll be just fine. Talk to an adult close to you and you'll be surprised how much they will want to help you.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (20 January 2012):
 This is a joke right?
What a loser that guy is...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 January 2012):
 Honestly, be glad he "dumped" you, he sounds like an immature tool.
1. learn from the mistakes you make, it's part of growing up. So in the future don't be sexting anyone for "fun", because someone will get hurt or hurt feeling and let's face it, it's kinda lame.
2. Watch out with the alcohol and hooking up. Caution can often go out the window when alcohol is involved.
3. So you hooked up with someone and it turned out to be awkward, so what? Again, mistakes happens, as long as you don't repeat the same one over and over, you can only grow from making them.
4. NEVER let anyone treat you in a way you don't want to be treated. Walk away from guys who "loves" to point out YOUR shortcomings, trust me they have plenty of those themselves, but they rather make others feel bad.
5. Don't date a guy just to date a guy. If he treats you like crap, why be with him? YOU have the choice to end it and walk away.
Chin up and don't let others get you down.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (20 January 2012):
 Sometimes the expectations of others is so far out of line with the other that stuff "blows up' don't blame yourself or him...next time clear and concise comunications will help avoid "sucky' problems.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (20 January 2012):
here is the article on Confidence written by Code Warrior on this site.
Hope it helps you put more value on who you are.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/what-is-confidence-and-how-do-i-get.html
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (20 January 2012):
even this situation can change in time. And it will. I am glad that P can be trusted. That is good.
Maybe S is just trying to accuse you of more than is true because he does not trust you, so he accuses you just to see if you will reveal what he jealously thinks you have been doing. he is wrong of course.
Jealously is a horrible emotion and not worth the trouble. But the really BAD trouble is having a boyfriend who is regularly jealous. Because it will not get better, it will get worse.
I think maybe you have a self confidence issue. I know Code Warrior has written a good article on that so i will find it and post it here.
Name anyone who claims to have never made a mistake and I will point to that person as a liar.
All of us make mistakes from time to time. The smaller the community you live in the more (percentage wise) people know about it.
Give yourself a couple of years to rebuild your self esteem and your life and get things back on track.
You do not have to put up with put downs a and mean disrespectful actions of a so called 'boyfriend'.
You need to rebuild the inner you so that you DO value who you are, far more than you do now. The Inner you is who will strengthen your resolve to never again put up with put downs and nasty behavior.
Sure you could do things to the 'outer' you. And although that can be good when you are working up a 'new image'(Pop stars and celebrities do it all the time)
Put more emphasis on your studies.
The superficial things can wait, while you work on the inner you. And so before you review the things you wear and revise your thoughts on how you do your hair and the makeup you wear - FIRST work on building your own self belief in you.
Be nice to you.
Allow yourself to value who you are.
we do not have more value when we have a man in our lives.
we have more value when we value who were are and when we know the gifts we bring to a relationship. And when we know that we never have to put up with s^^t behavior from illmannered guys.
Best Wishes
Abella.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for your replies!
Maireclaire thanks =D
Abella: see P hasnt opened his mouth to anyone and i openly told S cause i felt bad and thats not who i am actually. Im so much more than that. But I got myself into a lot of shit a while back and the reputation i earned there never died down. Maybe thats why he brought all that up. I dont know what to do! My whole life is kida in a f*cked up situation and im hurting bad =(
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (20 January 2012):
Absolutely NOT!
Never listen to jerks who only want to put you down.
Even if you did flirt a little and even if things have gone a little pear shape, does not justify S calling you nasty names.
Now the tough part of this is that you really love this guy S - and being with him made you feel a different person. How ever was S a mirage?
Because a honorable respectful guy does not speak to a girl the way S has spoken to you. It is going to take you a while to get over him.
And a judgemental guy who wants to act like your father is not much fun. A guy who loves you accepts you for who you are and does not constantly fight with you. And Never belittles you. You KNOW you do deserve better than that.
Really this miserable guy S has done you a favor. he has revealed himself as tastless little no-body.
But there may also be a little problem with P? I wonder if P has been gloating about what he used to do (sexting) with you - mainly because you and he "fell out" with each other? Was he sour grapes? And so embroidered and exaggerated just how much he and you did together?
But if S(who dared to call you that horrible name) actually believed P's exaggerated lies then S is no better either, to not trust you.
Some boys might think texting in that context is 'teasing' and leading on boys. But that would misundertand the agreement you have P had operating. But sadly I think P opened his mouth when he should have remained a gentleman.
And perhaps your cousin/brother has also been blabbing where he should not?
The big lesson from all this is that guys younger than 18 still need to grow up a little. Not all of them - some remain gentlemen, no matter what. But there are a few who have yet to learn how to communicate respect and behave in a respectful manner.
I guess the lesson in all this is that many boys would not understand a more liberal stand of only texting for fun, with no intention of it becoming any more.
And that if you do sext a guy then you have no guarantee that he will not say it was more than it was and try to give you a bad name when the sexting stops.
You sound creative and articulate. Have you thought of joining a local writers group that specializes in romance writing? The Romance Writers of America is always looking for new members. That way you can write the romance, include the sexting in the narrative and if you get your manuscript accepted for publication you will be paid for the words you write, instead of paying for your words with inane puerile rubbish from immature boys who don't know how to treat a Lady with the Respect she deserves.
Hold your head up high. Don't be too trusting nor too forgiving. You set the standard, so if something offends you then step away from that person.
And recognize that while guys are young they want to tell you every secret to their male friends.
So until you know a guy better do not be in a hurry to tell him what you have enjoyed when you were younger. Every day is a new beginning. You can put this behind you. Also just get more skilled at reading people and knowing who you can really trust and who needs a little more observing before you decide they are WORTHY of your time and your consideration.
My best wishes to you.
Abella
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