A
male
age
41-50,
*ukefortender
writes:I'm 26 and married for 4 and a 1/2 years and my wife wants kids, but sometimes i don't. Yesterday we were in her friends home and i saw their kid energy all night and i thought to myself: "My GOd! I don't want kids, i dont want that hell! I dont want to pass through that! This kid is a little devil! I'm afraid". I think i'll not having patience with my child, i'm so nervous and with kids i know we must be patience. We had several fights about that and i decided to give up and help her achieve her dream to became a mother, but sometimes my dream ain't be a father! I work in a public company in the morning (but this job is no secure, is not a lifetime job) and after the lunch i work in my company started 6 months ago. I have to think in my future, in my business first, not in kids! But in the same time she'll getting the 30s, this year she'll get 29 years old and i respect her wish because of health.We spoke each other many times before, but what do i do? God help me Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2012): If you really don't want kids, and she really does, and you've been fighting about it, and the end result is that you're so worn down that you give up and sacrifice yourself on this irreversible, lifelong, major life changing decision that you really don't want....
what concerns me besides how good of a father you're likely to be if you don't actually want to be one, is that you're setting up a pattern right now for the rest of your married life. You think this dynamic of her wanting something that you don't want, fighting you until you are so worn down you give up and give in, will stop once she gives birth to your first child? think again. It will be just the beginning. You think she will let you work on your career or business? probably not, because you have obligations to spend time with the family and do "family guy" type of things. She doesn't just want to have children, she wants you to be in the picture alongside her too. this has far reaching implications for everything else in your life.
note that this has nothing to do with how this situation came about in the first place where she wants to have children and you don't. It's too late for that now. The fact is that in the end she wore you down and you're giving in on a MAJOR and irreversible life decision, that you don't want. This is not a healthy marriage and bringing children into it isn't in my opinion a good idea.
how about proposing that you wait a few more years and then see if by then either one of you has changed their mind sincerely (not through coercion, and not with resentment and bitterness attached). Then if her biological clock has passed she can adopt, whether with or without you in the picture. If she refuses to even entertain this idea, then she's rejecting a perfectly valid option to work on this marital problem and only wants her way, so then the only thing left to do is to divorce and move on to more compatible partners in the future, whom you don't have to be in this kind of a win-lose situation.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2012): I'm sorry to say this, but I really think you should end this marriage immediately. If it has already dissolved into fruitless fighting, there's really nothing that can be done further to resolve this situation in a healthy way.
if her biological clock is ticking she needs as much time as she can to find a new partner who does want kids too. And yes this means you should let her go so she can do what she needs to do, and not try to hold onto her as your wife if it means you either have to concede something huge and permanent or she has to. that's putting this marriage in a double bind.
You should let her go. You should not be trying to make a kid with her with the way you are feeling about it because this is more likely to worsen your relationship with her, not improve it, if you do actually succeed in making a baby.
Having kids is something that both spouses have to be in total and enthusiastic agreement with, it shouldn't even be a point of contention. It should not one of them grudgingly or guiltily giving in to let the other win "to be fair to them." You will commit the rest of your life to her cause just to "be fair to her?" Or will she commit the rest of her life to your cause just to be fair to you? that's not a healthy marriage, that's a one-sided one.
There's lots of compromises to be made to make a marriage healthy. Having/not-having kids is NOT one of them. One spouse will get their way permanently, the other will have conceded something HUGE to them, also permanently. There is no in between. That's why on this issue both spouses have to want the same thing.
Men who are on the fence about this, will have no problem giving into their wives' strong desire to have kids, and there is a decent chance they will eventually become happy for it. But that's cos they were on the fence to begin with and didn't feel strongly about it. Unfortunately, many women expect their men to either want kids too or to be at best on the fence and easily pushed over like this. But that's not your situation, because you actually don't want kids which is your right every bit as it is her right to have kids if she wants them.
A marriage that requires for its continuation that one spouse give up their position on kids/no-kids , is a marriage that should be ended immediately so that the one who does want kids has time to find someone new to have them with.
If you have misled her in the past that you wanted kids or were at least nonchalant or OK with it and leaving it up to her, then you have done her a great disservice and should be ashamed. You need to apologize for betraying her trust and wasting her time, and then you need to break up with her immediately so she can find a more appropriate life partner, not force yourself to keep a promise you never should have made in the first place, doing so is likely to cause you more problems down the road.
Or maybe you were honest and upfront all along about not wanting kids and she simply assumed that you "should" want kids just because she does. She may refuse to leave you and instead pressure you more because she doesn't want to have to start all over from scratch going back on the dating scene to find a new mate, taking the risks that new relationships pose, and risking that he will also end up not wanting kids. So she may pressure you to compromise yourself and go with her position because she wants to achieve her goal and she doesn't want to have to start over with a new guy. That's not right for her to do that. she has no right to say that her wants and needs are more important than yours or that you are ruining her life if you stay true to yourself. If this is your situation, I dont' envy you but actually she would be playing an equal role in ruining her own life if that's her attitude to marriage so don't feel it's all on you.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 January 2012):
 What was your agreement when you married?
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A
female
reader, aphexinfinite  +, writes (21 January 2012):
 i agree with honeypie. you really should have thought about your futures ie kids marriage careers, you need to talk to her about this bring up your concerns tell her how you feel then ask what she wants to do. As honeypie said if you give her what she wants you will resent her and throw it against her in the future and thats not fair on either of you. good luck aphex xx
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (20 January 2012):
 Honestly, that is something that should have been talked through and agreed on before marriage.
It might be you NEVER want to have kids, and that is OK. But you wife does, so maybe you two need to find out if you want to remain together, because at some point, your wife will resent you for not "giving" her a child or you might resent her for "making" you have a child.
This is one of those deal breaker situations.
You can't keep postponing this either, you need to figure out what you REALLY want, be honest about and then you two will have to make a decision.
Ther is no easy solution.
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