A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am 23 and have been dating a man who is 27 divorced and has two children for 10 months now. I love him and his children very much and the Ex factor really isnt a factor. Things have been great for the first 8 months, I moved in with him and for a while we were moving forward in a happy pace with everything, making adjustments as we went. We've even talked about marriage sometime in the future, but neither one of us are trying to rush things... But lately he has become emotionally detached from me. We've been arguing like crazy and its always over the same thing: For some reason, he's developed a habit of talking down to me or "at" me, gets annoyed when I ask him simple questions, critiques me, and the affection and flirting has come to a hault. For a while I let it play, but now I'm hurting and I have been standing up for myself and calling him out on it, thats when we argue or wont even talk bc we dont want to fight. I express my feelings to him and he says he will try to be nicer, that he's just moody and hard to get along with or turns it around on me saying that I complain. Its only me he is like this with? No one else! Im confused bc i feel like im not making him happy? Plus, im beginning to become unhappy. I know he loves me and he takes good care of me, and he's a faithful man, its just the emotional involvement with him. Weve had discussions about this and we both want to make this work and know relationships have their battles, but Im emotionally exhausted and feel like were just not on the same level anymore?
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 March 2008):
 If you both want to make this work, and I'm assuming he wants to as much as you do, maybe it's time to interject some humor into the situation. Not the 'laugh at me, I'm being stupid' kind of humor, but more of a 'laugh with me' kind of humor.
You've only been together a few months, and there may be a lot pressure on the relationship, even though you don't think there is, from the fact that he has children with his ex. There may be more going on with the ex factor than he's admitted to you, or even to himself.
Try to have a real conversation with him about how you're interpreting his reactions to you--no one likes being talked down to, but phrase your feeling in the 'I' as in 'I feel like you're being overly critical of me,' or 'I feel like you find my questions simplistic.' Don't tell him he is the one at fault or 'You are making me feel xxxx.' Your feelings are your own, but you should be able to share them with him in a way that he can listen to them. Try to be calm and factual about this; I think it's easy for some men to dismiss real emotion when faced with they perceive to be an hysterical woman.
Then listen to him, and try to find out what is going on in his mind. This won't be easy, because you're already upset with him, but do try to hear his concerns and his worries. Please don't have this conversation when you're in the middle of a fight!
Again, I'm concerned that you have moved in with him a little bit too soon in the relationship before you've really had a chance to understand each other.
Getting back to my original point, the one about humor. My husband and I occasionally find real points of disagreement and argue. What makes it possible for us to discuss the problem rationally is a bit of a light touch--the sense of humor--and we can then work from that. I know that something makes him angry, and I've done it, but somehow the situation seems less dire when I can acknowledge whatever it is and then remind him of the humor in it. And this goes both ways, really!
I'm not saying that making a joke of it will make it go away, but remembering that we love each other and want to make it work, along with seeing the absurdity in the behavior helps a lot in moving forward and trying to do better the next time...again, this is on both of our parts.
I don't know if this advice will be helpful to you, but do, please, take care of yourself and don't allow yourself to be a doormat. It all boils down to being able to communicate in a meaningful and positive manner, even in the midst of a major disagreement.
All the best.
A
female
reader, unbound88 +, writes (3 March 2008):
 Go with your gut. You say he "wants to make this work" but it is obvious he has no consideration for your feelings at all anymore. Emotions are 99% of a relationship and if he has no regard for yours, then you deserve better. Also, no one can "make another person happy". Very codependent thinking. We can only make OURSELVES happy and he can only do the same. Happiness does not come from another person, but another person can certainly add or detract from it. You're right - you are not on the same level anymore. You deserve to be treated with respect ALL the time. Ditch him and find someone who WILL treat you as you deserve. In the meantime, take time to treat YOURSELF the way you deserve.
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