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Am I the "other man" in my girlfriend's life?

Tagged as: Cheating, Dating, Family, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 July 2008) 37 Answers - (Newest, 29 December 2008)
A male United Kingdom age 51-59, *cDeano writes:

Hello dear friends!. I have a question! Background! My ex wife saw 8 men in a year and I eventually divorced after hanging in there for my kids. So..then I met a new girl via a dating site. She told me she can never lie. I believed her. BUT..recently my paranoia??...has crept in?? I'm a bit spaced out because of what I went through before I suppose. I dont kow if I'm being over worried or not?. Hoping you can tell me?? Brief overview...We hardly ever have sex because she says she's on anti depressants..she always seems distant..she doesnt want me to move in, with her and her daughter after 2 years. Before me, she had an affir with her manager who was married with a child. He still sends her Xmas cards which I overlook as just friendship...BUT..recently. She had said THAT relationship ws just fun on both parts. I found out she had been chatting to a male recently in Dating Direct, named Chris. Coincidence? This was her managers name? I confronted her and she denied it saying I was paranoid and that some one else must have logged on with her details. We carried on because I truely love her. Then, last Thursday, she said she would come up but she would be on her period so we could'nt do anything. (We only do that every 3 months anyway..he he). She came up Saturday...drank one and a half bottles of wine..saying she didnt want to worry about things...and then, molested me after I had been in bed for an hour doing that particular deed with me! Afterwards, I suddnly thought..."So your NOT ON then?"....trust me..she was'nt....and "Why did you fetch a condom out of your purse when we never do it anyway?" This is where i'm afraid. Do I have natural concerns...or am I being influenced by what happened before with my ex wife? I cant'see what is going on any more. This Sunday..her sister is having her daughter baptised. (I've never met this particular sister). She has told me its not worth me coming, as I'm short on money. Basically she has phoned me twice with reasons why I should not go, even though I want to. She said she will make an exscuse for me. Also, she told me the same thing when she and her family went out on there Xmas meal! I did'nt go then because she did'nt want me to. My instincts tell me...1. to mark up any condoms in her purse. There is no reason why whe would ever carry one to be honest, and therefore, if they dissapear..i suspect the manager bloke or some one else. 2. Turn up at the christening on Sunday..and find out why I was'nt wanted there?. Will I see her holding hands with some one else..am I THE other man? (In reality, We only see each other once a week due to my work commitment5s.) Just scared of what I will find! Any ideas of whats going on?..Is it poor old Deano being paranoid?..or something else?? I do welcome your thoughts...Thankyou!!

View related questions: condom, divorce, ex-wife, money, my ex, period

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2008):

Artistry has hicups.. lol

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A female reader, Artistry United States +, writes (29 December 2008):

Artistry agony aunt....Hi there, Well it took a good while, but we have a success story. Good for you, now don't look back. Keep moving forward, and thank your lucky stars that you saw the light. Take care. Happy 2009. All the best to you and yours.

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A female reader, Artistry United States +, writes (29 December 2008):

Artistry agony aunt....Hi there, Well it took a good while, but we have a success story. Good for you, now don't look back. Keep moving forward, and thank your lucky stars that you saw the light. Take care. Happy 2009. All the best to you and yours.

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A female reader, Artistry United States +, writes (29 December 2008):

Artistry agony aunt....Hi there, Well it took a good while, but we have a success story. Good for you, now don't look back. Keep moving forward, and thank your lucky stars that you saw the light. Take care. Happy 2009. All the best to you and yours.

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A female reader, Artistry United States +, writes (29 December 2008):

Artistry agony aunt....Hi there, Well it took a good while, but we have a success story. Good for you, now don't look back. Keep moving forward, and thank your lucky stars that you saw the light. Take care. Happy 2009. All the best to you and yours.

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A female reader, Artistry United States +, writes (29 December 2008):

Artistry agony aunt....Hi there, Well it took a good while, but we have a success story. Good for you, now don't look back. Keep moving forward, and thank your lucky stars that you saw the light. Take care. Happy 2009. All the best to you and yours.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2008):

Congratulations McDeano... thanks for the update, how wonderfull for you, you've got me smiling from ear to ear... Thanks for remembering us... Good luck, and happy new year.

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A male reader, McDeano United Kingdom +, writes (28 December 2008):

McDeano is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Just to let u all know. I HAVE at last met some one else. She is warm...genuine..and loves me very much. I am so happy!!!!. Sorry for putting u all through the mill but U were all very right! Thank you...(Bows)....(lesson for any one else on here)

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A female reader, Artistry United States +, writes (17 October 2008):

Artistry agony auntHi there, We have all tried to help you deal with your problem. But sometimes, people love to feel pain. So it goes, you are going to have to decide what is the best thing for you to do, to make your life the best that it can be. If you love this woman, and think that putting yourself in the position that she puts you in all the time, then carry on, I would think you would want to be respected, which I don't think she is doing. You should also look up what it means to be co-dependant. It is not a healthy thing. Take care of yourself.

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A male reader, McDeano United Kingdom +, writes (16 October 2008):

McDeano is verified as being by the original poster of the question

An update..for any who are mad enough to follow this epic trial. Since then we have got together and spilt up three times!!! I know ..I'm a glutton. The worse was when she said she wanted to commit suicide over her depression and that it was caused by her worrying how her daughter was going to handle a new school. She invited me down for 4 days. I helped her over her feelings for 3 of them offering reasurrance and on the 4th...she basically said.."Your not helping now...so go home". I was angry with how I felt i'd been treated. So we split and made up! Then on a Friday evening I asked her if she wanted to gou out for an evening dinner, just the two of us. She said she would come around at about 8pm. When she had'nt turned up I phoned only to be told by her that she had got drunk as she felt really down and would'nt be coming tonight!! Bearing in mind I'd starved myself all night! Yup!...now, I was beginning to get fed up. There was one final straw for me about a week later after that which I wont bother to mention. Thing is...it was her that finished it this time. She says "WE cant go on upsetting each other", You will find some one who will treat you right and love you properly", " No one I go out with stays with me because they leave when I tell them I'm happy with me and my daughter only and want no one to move in". So I take her comment!...Square on the chin!, and try to move on. BUT a few days later..she phones me..and says it was right to finish as "I'm not good for you". "It was never going to work etc." but then goes on to tell me about her personal problems again and I feel obliged to offer my personal thoughts to help her again. I told her I was actually now fed up with feeling the last priority in her life ALL the time. I'm wondering...where do I stand? I tried not to contact her but I know she feels down and hate her to feel so bad. Recently I found I might have a chance to ask out a lady near to where I work. That thought has helped me get over the thought of the X. BUT..I cant help thinking of the X Gal...should I text her in response to a really basic text she has sent me tonight, asking if I'm feeling ok? and thats all it said...or just move on? You see....I do still love my X. I'm sorry. I am worried about her mental state. I'm not sure if she has been genuiine throughout our realtionship....and still wonder if I'm being used as the stable one..and she has the lover close at hand...but I know I care about her life and how she feels. Should I still respond to her texts (seen as wanting me back) or blank her out totally and try my fortunes with the other possibility??? Thanks...

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A female reader, Artistry United States +, writes (15 July 2008):

Artistry agony auntHi, Although you may not realize it, you are staring to heal just a wee bit, because you feel the pain. Go through it, cry a little bit if you have to, but move on, everything has a time and a place, now is your hour to put things in perspective and realize that you must love yourself first and be good to yourself. You will find a good soul, hopefully, who will love you. But take your time, and one thing, don't look back, you will be chasing ghosts, as in someone you think is the person you want them to be and they are not, as they say, give up that ghost :o). It is not healthy. Be your own best friend, take care always. Everybody has given you very good advice, listen to what they say, and put it into action. Life is short, use your time wisely.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2008):

Hey, No it is not "mad" it is very natural to hurt; BUT as long as you stay strong and don't give in to the temptation to make contact; do something; keep yourself occupied, gosh, I don't know; play a game or go out with friends; whatever; but do not sit and dwell on your pain;

It always hurts; but rather now then later; the pain will go away; trust me, it does get easier; FOR NOW, concentrate on alternate methods to keep your mind occupied.

Best wishes; lots of SMILES

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A male reader, McDeano United Kingdom +, writes (14 July 2008):

McDeano is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Boss!!!He he!!

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A male reader, McDeano United Kingdom +, writes (14 July 2008):

McDeano is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thx Art (i'll look at the website) and all..your replies are most welcome. The pains still there tonight..but i'm trying to get past by not logging onto MSN etc. he he...

O yeah..the hardest thing is I still care though. Mad is'nt it?..Love hurts?

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A male reader, McDeano United Kingdom +, writes (14 July 2008):

McDeano is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thx Art (i'll look at the website) and all..your replies are most welcome. The pains still there tonight..but i'm trying to get past by not logging onto MSN etc. he he...

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A female reader, Artistry United States +, writes (14 July 2008):

Artistry agony auntHi there, Alas, you are coming around to the fact of life, that you have to be you own best friend. She has a problem, you can't make it better, she has to realize it and change it herself. Don't know if I gave you this website, but take the time to read it. Go to www.socyberty.com/writers/quiet+voice.8137 snd look for the

title; Letting Go: Stop Chasing Ghosts

You have to get on with your life, time is priceless, don't let other people force you, through distraction, to waste your life. Move it and move it fast. Good luck to you always. You will find a woman, who will appreciate what you have to offer, and there will be mutual respect, trust and love. Take care.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2008):

Exactly. The person that will love you for the rest of your life is still out there.

Keep searching, stay strong, you haven't done anything wrong.

Its good you wrote it down. It is easier seen in black and white. You can realize so much more when its laid out infront of you.

Look to the future.

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A male reader, McDeano United Kingdom +, writes (13 July 2008):

McDeano is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I've spent the day analysing, feeling guilty, sad, angry but I have writen down in black and white things and it makes it so much more apparent. (Enough of the guilt Deano.) I realised now she has done something after all. Unfortuneatly letting her read this has givn her an exscuse to blame the split on me and not confront her own problems. Which, she will probably always do. The truth can set you free 'someone' once said. The annoying thing is..if she had caughed up to 'something' I would probably have forgiven her and moved forward. Because that is the only way to get trust back in a relationship. She has had the opportunity and failed. I'm starting to realise now, that I have my life back and I can go out and find someone who will love me for who I Deano is. I know I'm a good catch. I will be with someone whom I can cherish, hug with and perehaps marry! (sorry, old romantic). I feel positive at last and am even startin to realise what my low self worth has now cost me. Time to 'Party on!'

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A male reader, McDeano United Kingdom +, writes (13 July 2008):

McDeano is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Update: Well shes read it. Says I've made her dpression worse and now I feel really guilty. Said she absolutely hates me. She says I'm paranoid. Maybe I am. She says that shes been violated and that none of you know her and that no one has treated her like this before. I feel horrible. I explained this is totaly annonymous but that has'nt helped. Thought I was just being open and honest? She still left an unresolved question. She says she unplugged the phone because she didnt want a heart to heart with me. I was'nt expecting one. Everything was alright at that time? Still does'nt make sense? Confused..best of luck all. Thats my final post as a worrier. Take care!!!

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A female reader, Artistry United States +, writes (13 July 2008):

Artistry agony auntHi, Good luck to you, try to find happiness somewhere else. There are a lot of people in the world, hope you find a good one next time. Take care.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2008):

Its alright, just keep fighting through you've done nothing wrong.

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A male reader, McDeano United Kingdom +, writes (12 July 2008):

McDeano is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I've just sent a last email to her with a link to this page. Guess i'm hoping she wont use the paranoia thing against me after (if) she reads it...Thank you again!!!

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A female reader, Artistry United States +, writes (12 July 2008):

Artistry agony auntHi, If she doesn't want to talk to you, won't pick up her phine etc., you should look to the heavens and be thankful. Try to get over this and move on, you putting yourself through such a strain, trying to figure all this out. There has to be someone out there eventually, that you will trust and not drag you around like what has happened. Move forward, try to be mentally healthy and look for people who are honest. Be careful with your next choice, you might want to have a little counseling session, to find out what draws you to people like your ex-wife and this woman, so that you can make better choices. Take care and good luck.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2008):

Reality of it all;

At times the TRUTH hurts, BUT it also helps to set us free;

Consolation: Time heals wounds!

Get out there and find somebody that will value you and respect you.

Always remember, you are not alone; you have lots of "uncles" and "aunts" here that you can talk too;

Best wishes and lots of SMILES to you.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2008):

Hey mate I'm so sorry. Getting over people sucks.

Really, really, really hurts too.

Just keep thinking that your future wife is out there and you've just got to find her. Focus your mind on something else. This time next week you'll be far better off I guarantee it.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2008):

I'm so sorry babes, I know how much it hurts. Take care of you.

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A male reader, McDeano United Kingdom +, writes (12 July 2008):

McDeano is verified as being by the original poster of the question

The morning after. She's phoned me and said that she had unpugged her phone because it was ringing ans she did'nt want to answer it. I'm so confused. Thankyou all so much for the replies. Been thinking..well' if none of this is true it's going nowwhere fast anyway. She does'nt want me to move in stating money issues etc. O'well...I'll try and and raise a smile! Thank you all so much!!!!!! Time to move on. (shrugs shoulders and tries to smile).

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A reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2008):

Sorry Q1605 and everyone else, another bitch slap coming right up. This woman has depression, sometimes she will be confusing, unfortunately that's the nature of the disease. She dosen't have sex for months, one moment she dosen't want it, then she does. She refuses company and sometimes she dosen't answer the phone. Fade is right, why does Deano choose to be with this woman and her sickness. Maybe it's not another man, maybe she's so caught in her sickness that she dosen't make sense. Deabo has had one stupid wife, it's not fair that he has to go through this heartbreak again. Deano deserves better, he deserves someone he can love, trust and have sex with. This woman is too confusing, she's not the woman for you.

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A male reader, McDeano United Kingdom +, writes (12 July 2008):

McDeano is verified as being by the original poster of the question

..and one last point..i'e been constaltly phoning her home number where she;s supposed to be tomight.....amd she's definataley not there! Im so scared!!!.. KNOW the truth.....She's with an-oth doing whatever...soooo depressed. I've left a message on her hone answerphone asking why shes not at home at midnight, she's no ansering funnil enough, but I know the truth!..This is absolutley awfull......What got us into this place?

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A male reader, McDeano United Kingdom +, writes (11 July 2008):

McDeano is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Dear Friends, Its Friday. Update! She texted me to say she wanted to see me tonight. In the end she made lots of exscuses ...not to do so...saying shes tired etc. (She uses the interenet at her mums which is only 3 doors away) I said I'd come around then..she said..she would'nt be much company as shes depressed. I then asked if I could chat to her on the internet via MSN at 9pm..she said..she would be at her own home then and not her mums. She texted me at 10pm saying she had gone to her own house and was sorry for staying so late at her mums. So...I phoned her own address straight away and no answer. I then phoned from 9 till 12 midnight and still no answer. Now the mobiles switched off. It does'nt take a genious to work out shes not there. I kinda think she's out with that guy! Chris or whatever.... My problem is..I really want to leave a message on her phone saying that I know she's doing it with some one else.....chris?...but the other half of me says..WAIT! until you see her tomorrow!..I'm suffering like hell at the moment..so torn...it's horrible!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2008):

Trusting her forever?! =P

Thats put you under a lot of pressure if you actually walk in on something.

No seriously if your worried she is as you said, montitor it and when you have enough ask her about it. Keep us posted.

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A male reader, McDeano United Kingdom +, writes (10 July 2008):

McDeano is verified as being by the original poster of the question

..and thx Mr Annon...will work I suppose if your right..and I'm not paranoid...he he! I'll try that on Saturday, late, evening as she's coming up..and then Sunday morning I'll change it again. Be aware of he response. I'll keep track of the condoms too...right or wrong..could be a laugh I suppose. If I'm wrong in both apsects, I will trust her forever. Be interesting thingy to try..Thx pal......

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A male reader, McDeano United Kingdom +, writes (10 July 2008):

McDeano is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thank you all so Very! much! True about the trust ...trie about what to do. I'm very emotional because you have all taken the time to answer me! I never thought anyone would care about my worries. I will weigh up what you have all said. I ownt rush into things. I'm just worried that I thought originally I had found the opposite of my ex wife and now? I could have been wrong again!!. I'll not push her to hard..and just keep my eyes open. I'll post what happens...if i'm right or wrong..over the next few weeks I'll tell you. It may help some one else....THANK YOU...soooo much all!!!! You feel like my only friends......Appreciated!!!

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A female reader, Artistry United States +, writes (10 July 2008):

Artistry agony auntHi there, I am going to ask you one very important question, I think you know what it is going to be. Do

you trust your lady? If you do not, you will forever be looking and listening for signs of whatever you think she is doing or not doing. This is very worrisome for anybody. Now, my thought is, if you go looking for stuff, you will find stuff. If you don't find it, you will create it. In order to have a good healthy relationship, there has to be trust between both of you. If you have a valid reason to doubt her honesty and faithfulness to you, then you must talk it out, and get the issues or issues resolved. These things will only grow in your mind, to the point as you have already stated, of you going to the baptism or whatever it would be, that she did not want you to attend, to try to see if you were right, that there was a reason why she wanted you to stay away. Now suppose you sneek over there, and her long lost male cousin is there and they are chatting away, sitting together, and take off together. What would be your thought, ah huh, she is cheating on me with another man, without even giving her the benefit of the doubt, because you have talked yourself into these pre-conceived notions. You are your own worst enemy. Get a grip here, you either trust the woman, until you have a valid reason to not trust her, or you leave the relationship for your peace of mind, and good mental health. This is not a good thing to do to yourself. You will be doing crazy things, like what you mentioned about the condoms. Just

suppose she would be going through your pants pockets, when you are in the shower or something. Come on, let us trust our partner, if there are issues, discuss them and resolve them as we said, or dissolve the union for reasons, that could lead to insanity. :o) I smile, but I am very serious. This is your life and you are about to turn it into a nightmare, if you continue down this path. Please free your mind, or make other arrangements. Take care, and be good to yourself.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008):

Ermm I think its a bit of both personally. Your past is haunting you about it. You wouldn't be as paranoid if your past didn't creep up behind you.

At the same time there is, to put it bluntly, something else going on. In my opnion.

I think you should confront her then leave her. You want to spend your life with someone that feels the same way as you do about them. Who will move in with you. Who will marry you.

Who will stand by you.

ALL of that. A week or two of bad feelings for a life time of happiness?! Which would you choose in a straight mind?!

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A female reader, birdynumnums Canada +, writes (10 July 2008):

birdynumnums agony auntI think that when you have a gut instinct, you should always listen to it. It's not paranoia, it's healthy scepticism. When those little arm hairs stand up from fear, that's a normal reaction to. Consider it a God-given tool and use it when it happens.

If I were you, I show up at the Christening. Be prepared to do some heavy acting if you are correct. Call her out on it in private when you break it off with her, should the worst have happened and your intincts be right.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008):

OK here are my thoughts. I been in this situation before but on the other side. I was seeing 2 girls, I was really serious about one and stringing the other one along. One would be the perfect girl to settle down with & spend the rest of my life & the other was just fun, partying all out crazy good time. See she is seeing the other guy but she is keeping u along cause your safe. She knows your not going anywhere & of things don't work out with the other guy she has you to fall back on. There are too many coincidences happening for you not to pick up on it. Marking the condom is a good idea, I think u should have some fun with it & see where it goes. Tell her you don't care what she says that your going to that event, you already took time off & made arrangements & that's its a done deal. Then sit back & she what she does. You can back out last minute because something really important came up with work. See if you start dictating the way it goes then she is going to have to make excuses for the other man, if u keep doing stuff like that eventually she is going to get confused in her own deception & start messing up big time. Been there before, it really works.

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