A
female
age
30-35,
*ophiee92
writes:My boyfriend and I started dating over a year ago now, however when we got together I was aware that he would be moving far away soon after. He kept changing the date he was going and I found myself trying to distance myself from him despite the fact i was head over heels. Then just before he was due to leave I was faced with a tricky situation. A friend of ours told me he had confided in her that he had cheated on me because "he wasn't getting any" and was travelling to get with other girls. I immediately believed her as i classed her as a friend. She blamed our other friend on cheating with my boyfriend who in turn blamed the initial friend. (does that make sense?) So the boyfriend said nothing really and ultimately lost me.I found myself hurt yet again by a potential liar/cheater, I always seem to pick the wrong guys.Anyway that was Dec. we broke up. I then found out he wasn't moving as his job opportunity back fired so he stayed here, I found myself constantly talking to him, being friendly and getting jealous when he talked about girls (which he tells me didnt actually happen and was only to make me jealous.)We got close a couple of times and he asked me to give him another chance but I denied him because I was too scared of being hurt again. Yet he kept apologising and we became friends again.After hanging out a few more times, In june I decided that I liked him enough to give him another chance. I started off not too bothered as I believed it wouldn't get too serious as I wasn't head over heels this time and we wouldn't last long. But now I've found myself feeling something I never have for anyone before, when we're together he makes me feel beautiful, special, wanted and confident about myself. He thinks I'm perfect and puts up with a heck of alot from me.But I find myself going back to being paranoid when girls who he went to college with send him bebo messages and stuff asking to meet up and he even offered to travel to see one of them one weekend! I know I'm probably being stupid but I can't control it. Losing him to a prettier girl would kill me.So I get all moody when this happens and if he argue he wont talk to me for ages, which winds me up because I get terrified and stasrt blabbing and won't leave him alone. I just can't bring myself to ignore it and hope that he comes back, and he does! When i have the strength he comes running back and apologises. I need to learn to put aside my fears. And I know if I end this I'll regret it because it will be the same with every guy, it always has been. But I've never felt so comfortable in a relationship. When everythings okay, it's too good to be true. We just argue when i get paranoid or when we're apart over the silliest things.What I really need is some advice on how to stop myself running to him, how to make myself believe he's different and he won't hurt me. I still don't know the truth on the cheating/friend situation but I've moved on from that. I just don't know how to make this work out better for us both, I feel if I talk to him about it he'll think I don't trust him and back away. I've already hinted and he's assured me I'm the only one for him, but I know he's a good liar....I know I'm only 17 but I'm mature beyond my years and I know this could work because the chemistry is there and it's me who's being an idiot.Please help!(sorry for the essay)
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female
reader, QuirkLady  +, writes (18 October 2009):
 I went to this great self-discovery seminar and learned something very important:
There's your past, and there's the story you tell yourself about it.
I can see that you had a bad time with your last boyfriend, and I'm really sorry to hear that happened to you. But that's the past, and it's time to stop listening to the story you tell yourself about it. You didn't do anything wrong. He was one man who did a bunch of stupid things, and there are other men out there who are not like him at all. It is important to remind yourself that the men you know and meet from now on are not the same as he was. If you keep listening to that story and repeating the past you will not move on.
It's not easy to do. You have to make a conscious decision to look forward every day until it feels natural.
With that said, he still should have told you about him meeting up with someone else. Even if it's just a friend, that's pretty suspicious. And if he's aware of your past, he should be taking extra precautions to make you feel secure, and that means not hiding any messages like that
I still think that you need to talk to him and let him know that you want to know about any meetups. He shouldn't go off to meet random women without telling you and I don't think that's too much to ask.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, Sophiee92 +, writes (17 October 2009):
Sophiee92 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMaybe I should clarify a little:I said I was mature beyond my years because I'm not one of these little girls who don't know what a relationship is and mucks about (Which is most of them around tbh!)I want a commitment not sex or an accessory.I know I'm doing this to myself but it's my past that's causing this paranoia. I was never paranoid before my first boyfriend, I totally trusted him. He went on holiday and cheated with several girls, lied to me constantly, treated me like dirt and pressured me into things I didn't want to do and I found myself stuck in a relationship for a year, terrified. Then after I got the guts to tell him to beat it he continued to threaten me, spread rumours about me and the like. So everyone has come to believe i was this little w***e that carried out all his weird and wonderful fantasies. I didn't do anything like that, Iwas 14 for goodness sake!He is still trying to get back into my life! And I've told him to get lost. Even my current boyfriend has threatened to hit him if he doesn't quit it.So it's not just my current boyfriend that's making me this paranoid, it stemmed from the first and carried on. I think if I had a better experience with men I wouldn't doubt him as much as I do.It's so cliche but it's the truth and I'm feeling helpless right now.Thank you guys so much for your answers, there's no doubt that I'm staying with him. He's amazing in all other respects.QuirkLady: I know about the messages because bebo messages are displayed on the profile. And the text about going to meet this girl who lived two hours away for a weekend he didn't mean to show me, he was showing me another one. So I don't think he would've told me at all tbh. His reasons are "why would I want anyone else when I have you" and "they're just friends from college that I haven't seen in ages".I'm not trying to delude myself I'm trying to sort myself out or I'm going to be in short relationships all my life! lol.I want to know how I can stop this paranoia without ultimately blaming everyone else and saying "well it's basically your fault so sort it out!!" I don't want to do that because I know it's not entirely anyones fault. Its mine for falling so deep.thanks again
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (17 October 2009):
You need to take back the "mature for your years" part, because it's not true. You have written an essay on self-delusion and you want to know how to keep deluding yourself.
We don't give advice like that.
Your boyfriend has give you good reasons not to trust him. He apparently has never said that he didn't cheat on you and if what happened was true - probably so, because he never denied it - he not only cheated on you with other women but put the responsibility of hurting you on a friend because he was too chicken to do it. Instead of you freaking out about your paranoia, you should take a closer look at his actions. Why do you know about all the messages he's getting? Why is he responding to them? Why do you try to make yourself forget that he's a good liar? Why isn't he blocking these messages? Why isn't he at least TRYING to reassure you, knowing his history? Oh yes, it's because you let him slide before and he knows he doesn't have to be accountable.
Your gut is telling you something, and you should listen to it. Sometimes paranoia is correct and something really IS off.
If you want to believe he's different, he will have to show you he's different, and you need to tell him that. Be direct and honest with him, and whatever agreement that you come up with, hold each other to that. Open and honest communication is the glue that holds relationships together. If you don't have that, well...deluding yourself helps for a while.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, juliaash123 +, writes (17 October 2009):
hey.. im a 17 yr old too and ive been going through something kind of similar the whole trust issue and being afraid that they will hurt u really bad all over again..
do you love him? if you do then all u can do is give him another chance because love isnt about the appearance of it.. its about going through all the mistakes and hard situations together and making it together.. because ultimately love is forgiveness... when you love someone your pretty much blinded..
i think you should stick it through if you love him unless its something to do with abuse then you have to get out..
the best of luck to you both!!
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