A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Sorry, it's a bit long....I have been with my boyfriend for 7 years now and have lived with him for most of this time. I am currently living with him in his home area and most of 'our' friends are his. I love it here and have a good job but am scared if we split up, I will be really lonely as I find it hard to make friends.Our relationship has always been kinda up and down. We got together in a dramatic fashion and split up a couple of times years ago but he does make me laugh and we get on really well most of the time and despite everything I say we have a beautiful flat together, I love his family and we are best mates. I was his first real girlfriend though and I have always felt that he would eventually want to 'try out' other relationships (he said this used to be the case but now he feels differently). After 7 years together we have never really talked about marriage, kids or the future. He says you never know what's going to happen in the future and should live for the present. To be honest it suits me as I don't see myself getting married or having kids anytime soon even thougn I'm 27 and think I'm just being immature. I don't have much faith in love/relationships and, in my opinion, even if I split up with him, you just get involved with someone else and it's all the same problems again. He's often down and depressed and says he hates life and everything in it. Ever since I've been with him he has developed intense crushes on a few other people - twice on my best friends, once on a friends girlfriend and another time on someone at work. He insists he is always honest with me about these (he is but I never seem to find out until he is forced to tell me) and nothing physical ever happens, which I do believe. He has ended up harrasing one of them over text/email and she's got really pissed off with it. He says if people like him (he is way more good looking than me) then he always ends up telling them he likes them back cos he feels obliged. He did this a couple of years ago and the woman has since gone on his Facebook describing him as 'funny, intelligent, romantic' in full view of everyone and he doesn't see why I'm upset. He says nothing would ever happen. I don't know why he does it but I used to be quite overweight until I lost weight last year and our sex life has been pretty non-existent for as long as I can remember.But the the thing is I can't say anything against him cos I'm far worse. I have got drunk on a few occasions and cheated on him when I've been out of town - mainly just kissing but once I slept with someone. I have never persued these men any further and have generally made a complete arse of myself. I am such a terrible, flirty drunk and often think it would be best to give up altogether but everyone I hang out with drinks at weekends. I don't get drunk often but if I'm not with him, it's seems to be a danger sign. I would never dream of doing this stuff when I am sober and always feel terrible. I never want to tell him about it cos it would really hurt him. I also get crushes on people but don't really tell him as I figure it's normal but unfortunately am surrounded by men all day at work (I work in an extremely male dominated field) who chat me up, although I would lose my job if I ever got involved with any of them.I know I make it sound like there is no hope for us. He keeps saying that I want to split up with him but just don't know how to do it when I broach the subject. He has said before that he doesn't know 'what he'd do' if we broke up but then he says I'm always giving him a hard time too. I just don't know what to do. Other friends in relationships seem to all report problems with sex, communication etc - some have split up, others haven't - and it just seems to me that couples living happily together is impossible :(
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (22 October 2007):
 Where to start?! It sounds like you both have serious low self esteem, hence why you end up pashing a stranger at a pub and his harrassing this other girl.
He being 'honest' with you about these other daliances is a load of rubbish, its almost as though he thinks this somehow absolves him of this behaviour.
In a way his behaviour is worse than yours as you tend to let your guard down when you have a few drinks and are vulnerable to male flattery and attention.
At the end of the day you have to decide whether you are right for each other, I would fess up to him about your own lapses of judgment as I think you guys need to have a clear the air session. Other than that, I dont really know what to suggest, you both are cheating on each other so blame is hard to aportion. But at least you are trying to do something about it, he, with his facebook and other dating sites is apparently on the lookout constantly.
He may be happy to have "her indoors" but what about you?
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