A
female
age
51-59,
*LJ
writes:My husband of ten years had an affair with a woman for 10 months. She works 2 blocks from his office and they see each other daily. I caught him and he confessed and so did she. Both of them told me that it was over and that it was merely sexual -- not love. However, I have cell phone records that indicate they talked a lot over the time period. In any case, I want to repair the relationship with my husband because I love him very much and we have 2 small children. I am trying so hard to forgive and not to mention it to him because he gets angry with me and threatens to leave. We also live in a very small community and the affair is "out" all over town which makes him angry -- especially at me. He thinks I have told too many people, but I think I may have been the last to know and the other woman has spoken to people as well. In any event, I want total disclosure from him in order to move on. I told his father about the affair -- not in an attempt to bash him, but to help us all get passed this mess. He is angry with me for telling and blames me for disclosing any information. My question is this: Have I ruined my chances for reconciliation by talking too much and disclosing this painful situation to his father/mother? He does not want to admit the affair to them, but they live two blocks from us and work, eat, shop in the small community, etc. I figured they deserved to know the truth from me before someone on the street told them and possibly embellised the situation.It has only been three weeks and I am really trying to move forward. I just want him to admit that he made a mistake so his parents will not blame me for marital problems as they have not treated me with much respect in the past ten years. Am I wrong? I just want healing -- not revenge. Please help me.
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female
reader, ralphy +, writes (30 January 2008):
He made the mistake not you and people finding out is gard on you both - maybe he should have thought it through first. He needs to understand that he wasn't wronged - you were and you are not suppose to be grovelling - he is. You won't get past this unless he is apologetic, kind, and understands why you need to know certain info.It sound to me that he feels trapped in someway and needs you to force him out to make him feel good about what h e did. He wants to be seen as a victim not a perpatrator. You need to sit down and leave it that if he isn't going to whole heartedly work through this with you then he needs to leave. He needs to understand that no one is going to sympathize with him - you were the one hurt.Goodluck - I wish this never happened to anyone.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2008): JLJ...Don't feel ashamed, I did the same thing too! At first I couldn't understand why I did it but I did it. My husband's family were the first to know, Sweetie the way I see it they burned themselves, they made the choice of doing the wrong now they have to face consequences, before, my husband's infidelity I was very private. Now, screw it, if that's the choice he made he will have to deal with it. You don't do something horrible and expect to get a slap on the wrist and things are back to normal. My husband reacted differently then yours, he realized he deserved what he had thrown at him. Your husband seems not to feel as bad,HE GETS ANGRY? He chooses to walk let him.....I sometimes wander if my husband did the same maybe I would be in a better place, right now I am trying to forgive someone who truly is sorry for what he did...it has been a year and he calls me from work to find out if I'm okay,,if I am thinking good things...you know not about him and skank.. so I think you're husband and you should talk you really need to sit down with him and tell him why he gets angry.Does he still love you and that now is the time to walk, because with an affair, hey, this is something everyone thinks that if it happened to them they could not handle it, well you have reached that hill and you have climbed it now what should you do when you get to the bottom of it let him make the decision not to be defensive when you talk about the affair if he wants to walk so be it, since everything is out there. You can actually know if this man really is sorry. I was going to say the man of your dreams, but he threw that out when he had the affair, I guess that will never happen to him he will never be his wife's dreamlover. He lost that title (so sad) No you don't deserve that sweetie, he really did you wrong, 10 years of marriage YOU DESERVE COMPASSION AND ALL THE UNDERSTANDING HE CAN GIVE... HE OWES YOU....TAKE CARE..U REALLY NEED A BIG HUG..XOXOX
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2008): Hi Hunny,
I understand why you have said these things to people and family, You said in your question that you just want him to admit he made a mistake, You want to feel he understands how you feel so you talk to people in the hope if they talk with him he will understand, Sometimes this doesnt work it adds fuel to his already burning fire as he is probably feeling guilt but finds it hard to admit to love. Maybe you shouldnt have said anything to his father but I see why you did, when there are troubles of this nature you dont want others to think you have caused any so your mind works overtime to sort out the problem. I really feel for you as it is very painfull. Some counselling wouldnt go amiss here for your confidence and self asteem I do hope you sort things out really soon and feel alot better sweetheart WITH LOVE AND PRAYERS MANDY xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids  +, writes (27 January 2008):
 There is someone else who posted a question "How do I stop the abuse, I inflict on him?" around the same time as you posted your question. Please have a look at the problems in that relationship as a result of her boyfriends cheating.
Your husband is angry. But he has no right to be angry with you. No right at all and you should tell him so, or print this page off and show him. He has anger within himself. OK. He is probably responsible for it. Now he has to deal with it. Part of his anger is a way of preventing hearing your anger. Its called PROJECTION - attributing to others one's own unacceptable thoughts or emotions. Very human - but not very fair, especially on you.
You have far more feelings arising from this than he does. Some of those feeings need to be directed at him in order to resolve things in your mind. You are at a higher risk of emotional damage and future problems.
In the situation you describe, with him being angry, I don't see this matter moving forward very easily. There's a lot going on. Your husbands personality (this aspect isn't his fault by the way) complicates it further. You can't do this on your own. You need help. Counselling is probaly best right now if this is still quite recent. Marriage guidance counselling. But don't delay. If he won't go, that is his choice. Start going on your own. It will help you enormously. Just knowing that you are facing and dealing with it helps. He'll probably tag along later.
From what you write your state of mind sounds good all things considered. Very good in fact. There is just one thing I would point out. Don't be intimidated by him threatening to leave. You are responsible for your actions. He is responsible for his. You make choices. He makes choices, You are both mature adults. So, if he threatens to walk out, let him. It's his choice. You just have to behave responsibly - not pitifully.
You'll have to do your own internet search to find out about counselling in your area. It is sometimes provided by some churches as well.
Hope this helped a little. Take care.
Richard
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2008): I know exactly how you feel and wish I could reach through the computer and give you a big hug.
Firstly, he is ashamed at his exposure. That is why he is angry with you. He is diverting this anger towards you because he thinks you have shown him up. He is wrong! He needs to ask himself what is the problem with everyone knowing what he has been up too, it is shame and until he acknowledges that he has not been and upfront guy to the outside world, now they know and he has to deal with the looks and gossip, tough your answer to that even if it is only to yourself is that if the cap fits and if this has blown his image and ego then he only has himself to blame.
My advise to you is that you are in the very very early stages of this pain. Your realing all over the place and searching for a kind shoulder to give you support. This affair was not you weakness, fault or failing, it is his and the women who took second place to you. If your husband wants to stay and has asked you to forgive him, then you need to be united with how you handle your small community. This is something he has created not you. You do not need to accept any blame from him about discussing it with his parents. Your comment about them hearing it from you first is perfectly acceptable. Remember to that they will have perhaps a certain loyalty to him on their acceptance of his behaviour, he is their son. But the only thing I could suggest that would not be helpful is discussing things further with them. You need to talk to people who are not so closely connected and involved. Everyone will have their perspective and opinion, which is irrelavent, it is yours and your husbands that counts.
Give yourself some time, it takes ages to get over something like this. Your not seeking revenge your hurting and trying to work out what on earth went wrong which is perfectly natural and understandable. Try at this stage to just absorb the information, talk about whether you want to stay together, and then go into all the stuff your bursting to know. At the moment is really raw and fragile, for him and you. Gather up your thoughts on if you want to try again with him and things will move slowly forward.
Just remember that at the moment he may well be so ashamed that he is not thinking clearly either. He needs to want to try.
Keep us posted and take good care of yourself at the moment. God bless, xxx
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A
male
reader, Dazzerg +, writes (27 January 2008):
 Sounds like what he is really angry at is his own humiliation which realistically he has only himself to blame for; as regards his parents your intentions were good, i'm not sure it was wise but I don't think it was particularly wrong either.
Who you confide in is your own business and if he is angry then that really isnt your fault. You shouldn't have ruined your chances because ultimately he has to face up to what he did and take responsibility for it. As you said this other women is talking too then it is quite clear that he is being unfair in blaming you and you are being a little unfair on yourself.
Having said that, playing everything out in public will probably not help in the long run, pick people you confide in wisely as the people you know and trust will keep things between you. Good luck.
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