A
female
age
,
*etbiss
writes:Hi,My husband and I have been together for 16 years, married for 11 years. This is the second time around for both of us. Our ages are him 45 myself 47.A little more than two years ago my husband stop making love to me so often. To be exact 8 times in the last 30 months. I am nice looking middle age women with a healthy sexual appetite.I have 3 children from my first marriage, two that lived with us. He was a good step-father and I am very close to my children. He has 1 daughter whom he is not close to and lived with her mother.He kept saying it was because of my children that he was stress out or that we both were just too busy or that we were never in the mood at the same time....the list went on but mostly he blamed my children.I finally ask him about a year and 1/2 ago if he had met someone else. He swore not! Said he loved and adored me and only wanted me.So still nothing, so I thought maybe there was something physically wrong. So I made him an appointment with the doctors, diabetics ran in his family. Nothing was wrong.To make this short, I just had a gut feeling all along that something was wrong. I found out 3 weeks ago that he has been pretending to be a bi-woman on the net for the last 2 1/2 years and had over 300 women and men on his contact list. He had around 1100 pictures of naked women and men. Though this email I also found 10 sites that he was part of. And of course Facebook!We had a big fight and for the first time I took off my wedding band. My husband was crying saying he was sorry that he had a sickness blah blah blah. I decided to stay to talk and to see if this could be fixed. I emailed every person on his list to let them know that he was a man not a woman. Of course I did not give them his name as I have a very public job and would be so embarrassed.2 days later I heard a message on his cell phone from a woman telling him he had better get a handle on me. He will not tell me who she was and of course her number was restricted.I don't think he actually met any of these people, as we are together almost always after work. But of course I don't know what he does at work... does he leave and meet someone. He tells me he has never but after him blaming my children for over 2 years how can I believe him now?So I guess my question is am I stupid trying to fix our marriage......can I ever trust him again? Will I ever want him to touch me again?I think of some of the pictures these people sent and shudder at the thought of him touching them then touching me. I am angry and very depressed all of the time now....and that is not me.Thanks for any advice how to get though this.P.S. He thinks everything is ok! How can he think that?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2008): Wow! I was upset enough with my husband looking at porn but to have all that other stuff included has stunned me!
What a cheek blaming your kids! It is HIS problem and it sounds like he does have a sickness. He sounds embarrased and is using excuses to justify it. But you cant justify that.
Forgiving is very very hard but if you love him you should get some counselling...they are very good...but then the rest is up to the both of you.
I would also shudder to think who he has been with ( if he has) but thinking about it will just do your head in.
Perhaps before counselling you both get tested for things as well. This will be a huge wakeup call for him. If he has been with someone its a huge safety risk and you trusted him, he has let you down. And I agree about the safety of your family...if some weirdo became involved then your families safety is compromised, can you trust that wont happen again?
If I were you I would be devastated at this and I think I would move on, I forgave mine for 7 years of porn but this is going further again.
I really hope you get some counselling, even if it just for yourself. I will be thinking of you all the best!!
A
female
reader, betbiss +, writes (3 December 2008):
betbiss is verified as being by the original poster of the question Am I going to forgive him? That is what I am struggling with.
First of all let me say I am not making any excuses for him. If I could believe that he has not been with anyone it would be easy, because if he had the need to look at strange naked people, so be it.
Like I said before there is nothing wrong with my sex drive but if I found out that my husband was sick and could not have sex that would not in any way make me love him less.
It was the woman on the phone that is sending me over the edge because now I know that it was not just looking at pictures and reading dirty emails.
Also it is not just a matter of love because I believe if you are in love with someone it does not just die all of a sudden.
It is a matter of mine and my children and grandchildren safety. If he has been with someone how do I know he has not picked something up that he could pass on to us. What happens if he attracted a wacko.
To answer your other question do I need him money wise....No! I have a job, I have my children, I have my 6 brothers and 3 sisters..........no I don't need him.... I love him.
If it is a sickness then I hope we can get though it, but like I said before thinking of him touching someone else than touching me or my grandchildren turns my stomach.
To answer the last question, no my children do not know, if my youngest son found out things would not be good for anyone.
I am not afraid of being alone as I am happy with myself as a person. I am an artist and a writer, I teach taxes, I have a full time job. So my personal self is full. But finally my body and mind do not need him but my heart does.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2008): Wow, yes it is incredible,you found this out. What would happen, if you go on for years, without knowing it?
So what do you think ,you will do? Are you going to for give him? it's always up to the person, I couldn't, but it is hard to be alone, and sometimes we put up with so much,just to not be lonely.Do you support yourself, or you need financial support?
Do you think ,he always had this tendencies,or it just came later?
What are your children advising you to do? I think ,you should definitely go to compelling for you even if he won't
It is shocking ,how many people lives double life. Did you ever guessed, it could happen?
What do you think it caused his sexual twist?
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A
female
reader, betbiss +, writes (3 December 2008):
betbiss is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI caught him by checking the history on the computer to see where he had been going. There was a name in the received file that should not have been there.When I opened the file it was a ecard to my husband other email name.I then went to the email address and it only took me about half an hour to guess the password. The rest is history.Though out this whole time we still held hands, kiss any time we left each other and he still has to hold my hand when we go to sleep.That is why this is so hard, because we were still very touchy feely though out these last 2 years.But it is funny, I now have a new computer, washer dryer, flowers at work and he gave me $500 to go buy something nice! Which I went out and bought some xmas gifts for the grandkids. Too bad you can't buy forgiveness and pay to mend a heart.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2008): Tis is really horrible story.I hope you will find some peace.
I was reading your story earlier,and I was curios ,what will`people answer to this.I was shocked when I saw, there was no response.
I guess people are afraid of stories like this.
Right now, I can tell you one thing. Your husband is in a`state of complete self defeat. And this is the hardest, and most challenging place to be in wit someone.
How did you catch him in dressing weird?
My husband is in a very same state. I couldn't catch him on anything yet, but he stopped having sex with me,and many specialist saw him, no problem,with his health.I have the same intuition ,that something is awfully wrong,but I don't have a clue what.
He also blame it on stress.
Well, I wish , you tell me how did you find it out,and I will think about some more to tell you.
I think,you have a very little chance, to win this.
Please get back to me...
.
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