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*crambled brain
writes:Hi everyone, Things have taken a huge turn for the worse.We seemed to have smoothed things out I was looking forward to out 32nd anniversary tomorrow and holiday next week.Anyway, my husband had to put his sim in his old phone as his other is on the blink and didn't realise (nor did I) that txts made on that phone would reappear!!Last night I found some more texts they sent last June.One's from her saying she would miss him on her hols (well I'd already seen some like those) and one saying she was sat outside his place of work at 2.30pm and was he busy. Why???????His said about meeting in the park that lunchtime and another said 'Morning gorgeous, yeah I feel like that and more, I feel so at ease with you'.There was another saying the 19th June was OK for him too (when she was back off hols) but his diary did have a meeting at her place of work written in so it could have been that.The one that's broken my heart said 'Dirty little minx xx'. He uses this phrase to me when I've been particularly raunchy and saying very rude things.You might remember she texted in July that they'd done nothing YET so the reference to this must have meant something rude and raunchy she'd said to him not an actual sex act.I just don't know what to do now. I know this should be the final straw.I confronted him last night and he went ballistic at me snooping and we again had the gripping around the neck and pushing.I cried virtually all night and he kept telling me to shut up.Even in the face of all this, he's still saying it was a game for them both. Yes, maybe it was and would never have gone any further but this has destroyed me.Even if we got intimate again (which I can't see happening) I would feel sick at what he called her.Perhaps I'm stupid because I've always know damn well that they were 'flirt/sex texting' but having seen this one with my own eyes is a nightmare (I'm sure there were other worse ones but I could always blank that out before now).Then I'm thinking that all these texts were made over a year ago and we've continued to love each other since then so am I stupid letting it ruin my marriage just cos I've found a few more of them?I am at the depths of despair today.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2009): I would not put all that much importance on the dirty little minx comment he made to her. It is just a saying that easily comes to mind for him. It doesn't mean they are engaging in any serious sex talk. One woman calls me a muppet when I say something goofy to her. For all I know she also calls her boyfriend that in some romantic situation. It is just a phrase that is in the front of the mind.
So he has never acted like he did with the physical stuff. That means that is not in his nature. I am not going to defend his actions, but you are driving him over the edge. You have to stop the tormenting. The most gentle and friendly dog in the world will bite if tormented. Humans snap back too. Some take forever to do that and some just lose it quickly. Tormenting and repeating what she has said to him is not going to make it easier for the 2 of you to talk constructively. Saying the worst that might have been said is not constructive either. You have to stop that. If you 2 can't hold a constructive discussion then see if a counselor can mediate one.
As far as him remembering exactly what was said, people don't remember an entire conversation from months ago or even a day ago. They remember parts and have an idea what other parts were. When my wife an I were discussing things from the past, she would remember something and tell me about it. A few days later she would remember it somewhat differently and tell me something different. I could have thought that she was lying, but I knew that I remember things differently from one week to the next and just assumed that she had done the same.
Another thing is asking the same question 2 or 3 times in several days. I have done that because I forgot the entire answer. However, when you or I do that, our partner might suspect that we are trying to catch them in a lie. If that is not the case, then it is important to let them know that you are simply asking again because you forgot the answer from the last time or just have a follow up question. Trying to catch someone in a lie like that is a recipe for disaster. Lying to get information is a recipe for disaster.
At some point we have to trust our partners. Many years ago when my wife and I were first dating, we went to our company Christmas parties. I called her the next morning and asked her if I could come to see her. She was very adamant that I not come to see her. I wondered if she had gotten drunk and ended up in bed with someone. Now what could I have done? I could have driven the 10 minutes to her place and checked if there was another car there or even knocked to find out if someone was there. However, I never thought of doing that. I figured that if she really did have someone there that I would be able to tell from her actions the next time I saw her. In any case, she would have felt at least as bad as me if it did happen. What would have been the point of me trying to trap her? What would it have accomplished if she did get drunk and I found another guy there? She never gave me the slightest reason any other time to not trust her in our 30 years together. If she lied to me, it would have been to protect my feelings and out of fear of losing me. Would I approve of her doing that? Hell no, but we all make mistakes and if it did happen then it was her mistake. I'll give her one free one if I need to. To possibly ruin a good and developing relationship and to have thrown away what we have had for these 30 years would have been stupid on my part.
We have to learn to forgive people for what they have done to us. Of course, sometimes it is so serious that it is nearly impossible to forgive. However, if a woman whose husband sexually cheated on her for years can forgive him then you can get to the point of forgiving your husband for his non sexual flirting. Without that, the marriage will not succeed.
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reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (30 July 2009):
 Sorry, I keep coming up with things I want to say to you, and I've got one more for you to think about.
It’s like you’ve been notified you have cancer. You haven’t done anything to deserve it, okay maybe you exposed yourself somehow to something you shouldn’t have, but there you are, you have this disease.
So you’ll be angry and furious with the diagnosis, and will then have two choices. Treat it, or leave it. Either way, you’ll remain angry that you had to get it and that you’re facing this life-altering, life-threatening thing through no (or perhaps some?) fault of your own.
Now in the treatment options, you’ll have some choices. A: Excise it, have it surgically removed. B: Treat it with chemo and radiation, essentially making yourself ill so that you can kill the cancer cells. C: Try to treat it at home with homeopathic remedies and hope that they work. D: Do nothing, worry a lot and hope it will go away by itself. In the end, you hope they all work.
Frankly, I would do A, B AND C. I wouldn’t just do C, and D is out of the question for me. I would throw everything I have at this stinking disease and try everything I knew how to cure it, to make myself well again.
You’ve been hit with a deadly disease, with a poor prognosis. What are you going to do about it?
I know, it’s unfair that you even have to think about these awful choices. I know, you shouldn’t have to be in this position through no fault of your own. Well, here are the cards you’re dealt, here is the situation at hand. What can you do about it?
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I have just one more observation for you, and then I'll let you in peace. You wrote: "For example when I asked what she did to merit being called a dirty little minx he swears he can't remember or imagine why. I suggested a few ideas such as talking about sitting on his c**k or offering to give him a w**k and he replied that I'd made him feel physically sick and it was nothing in that league.
"Well if he could remember that much, why couldn't he remember what it was. He also said he can't remember why she was texting sat outside his place of work.
"You see, those 'answers' are all boll*cks as far as I'm concerned and that's what makes me keep going on and on trying to get the truth."
You're going to keep at him until he coughs up enough details to satisfy your what? Your rage? Your sense of betrayal? Your insecurities?
Is it time for punishment still? Or time to get to work on this thing?
May I ask you a bit of a personal question? Could you tell us about your mother and father's relationship?
Thanks for reading.
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reader, scrambled brain +, writes (29 July 2009):
scrambled brain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone and especially TTM who has given me a lot of support through private messages.
What you say really makes sense and I'm hoping to act on it straight away.
My husband really has made every effort to make amends and convince me of his sincerity and love. He has resigned from the committee that brought them together and refused other opportunities which might make me insecure.
I know you think the physical stuff is bang out of order and so it is but it occured late at night when I started on him and he asked me to leave him alone and I just tormented and tormented.
This has never been in his character before.
I am not blaming myself for the 'affair' happening in the first place but my behaviour was instrumental in his actions.
As TTM said, everyone needs love and affection.
We have spent all day texting, I don't know how he's managed to do his job (I'm on holidays) and he has answered every question albeit avoiding the issue on some. For example when I asked what she did to merit being called a dirty little minx he swears he can't remember or imagine why. I suggested a few ideas such as talking about sitting on his c**k or offering to give him a w**k and he replied that I'd made him feel physically sick and it was nothing in that league.
Well if he could remember that much, why couldn't he remember what it was. He also said he can't remember why she was texting sat outside his place of work.
You see, those 'answers' are all boll*cks as far as I'm concerned and that's what makes me keep going on and on trying to get the truth.
Yes, of course he could tell me something to shut me up. Would that be better or worse?
When he came in from work, we said a few words but then sat in stoney silence for the rest of the evening.
BTW the texting this morning was started by him with an apology for causing me all this distress and saying he'd always love me but I soon turned it into an inquisition for the rest of the day.
Well, tomorrow's our 32nd anniversary and we've booked to go out for lunch and I've bought him a rolex (preowned, he'd seen it in a local jewellers and kept on about it for a while).
Who knows what will happen? From the way today started I got the impression he wants to give it yet another go but I don't know if I've got the character to act on your advice and try to move on although I intend to try.
That's if there's another chance by tomorrow. Maybe he has already decided this will never end happily for either of us.
Thanks again for listening x
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2009): "You know what? You have every right. Married men DO NOT TEXT OTHER WOMEN for anything other than BUSINESS."
I'm sorry, but I have to totally disagree with that. I talked via PM at length to 2 women about both a problem that I had and that one of them had for months. We helped each other greatly and many times our discussions were about sexual matters. Not between us, but related to our lives. I also talk to a woman who is a friend of both my wife and I and has been a friend for many years. We have talked about her relationship problems and a problem that I had last year. I have talked to other women who I have done some harmless feel good type flirting with too. My wife even reads these messages and laughs at some of the things that we joke about and has also talked to some of those women. I just happen to find women more understanding than most men at relationship issues, as evidenced by answers from the first anon woman and Tisha.
Sometimes a person just needs some understanding talk and a hug, whether a virtual one by email or in person. Sometimes complementing someone on their attractiveness, even in a flirting manner, does so much to make them happy when they are feeling rejected and unattractive. People need closeness and some level of affection, even virtual affection. When they are not getting it from the one who they really do love then they find it elsewhere. If they really do care about their partner then that affection will just be mental and not physical at all. Some people don't see much of a problem with this, while others consider it cheating as bad as having a sexual affair. Some partners would be very hurt and angry by actions like this, while others would be thankful that there was no physical contact involved and would take it as a realization that there is a problem in the relationship to be solved and work at it.
To scrambled brain, don't even think about the polygraph idea. What if he is telling the truth? Then when you get there and have to admit that you were just lying and playing games, he will see you as a scheming and dishonest person. That can do nothing but make things worse. Playing games like that is just a really bad idea. The way to solve problems in a relationship is to discuss them as calmly as possible and as honestly as possible.
Writing that letter suggested by the anon female is a good idea. As she said, it gives you time to think it out rationally and gives him the time to read it when you are not around. That gives both of you time to think rationally and keep the arguing at a minimum. I know a woman who did that and it was the beginning of solving her problem and making her happy with a situation that bothered her greatly. It started a discussion with the other person that concluded with her understanding why the thing that bothered her had happened.
You woke him up to discuss what you had found. I'm sure that seemed like a good idea at the time and I can understand, as I have many times said things before I have had a chance to calm down and think rationally. In addition to that, when a person is woken up from a sleep they are not in the most positive frame of logical thinking mind. They are also not in a frame of mind to be civil. A discussion could and should wait until the next day. As I said, I have been guilty of things like that, so I am not reprimanding you, just making a suggestion from my own experience.
It is interesting how some people think that being dishonest and spying is the best way to run a relationship and solve problems. With thinking like that it is no wonder that they have failed relationships. Scrambled brain, if you want to ruin any chance of ever salvaging your marriage then taking that advice is better than anything that I can think of. However, it will probably result in less pain for you if you just leave right now and not waste your time and trouble in deceit. If he is telling the truth then you will just drive him away and end the marriage. If he is lying then you will just lower yourself to the liar that he is. Is that the type of person that you want to be?
Tisha has given you some very good advice. I know that you don't like counselors. As I have said to you before, I am not a big fan of counselors either. I prefer to work out my problems with my wife together. However, this only works if we are both willing to talk calmly and honestly. Even then, it is very helpful to have someone else to be in the conversation, like the women who helped us over a year ago. However, these remote "counselors" can only help if the 2 partners are able to discuss their problems civilly and honestly without too much argument. If they cannot have a constructive discussion then a real counselor is trained to get that type of discussion started and to get the 2 people to focus on what the real problem is.
Now the real question, what is the real problem? Is it entirely his flirting, or is there something that is deeper than that? Is it perhaps that deep down that you think this entire thing is your fault because of your rejection? If so, then you have got to understand that you did not do this with any malicious intent. You did not do it on purpose. It was something that happened and it is something that could have been worked out long before he engaged in any flirting with another women. You are probably both equally at fault, but not on purpose. Neither of you knew how to solve the real problem in the beginning. You know, counseling might have solved the basic problem right in the beginning before it escalated to his flirting.
Since he was flirting with a much younger woman, perhaps that has made you feel unattractive and thinking that he needs someone younger and more attractive. I really doubt that was the case. She is younger just because that was the woman who was first available. I can understand how something like this can make someone feel unattractive and old and make them behave in a defensive manner and not make the best decisions. My wife and I have discussed her behavior after she left her cheating husband many years ago. She acted in a way that she later regretted because it made her feel attractive at a time when she was feeling unattractive, unwanted and old. All of this at the age of 30. I have seen her reflect on the hurt that she felt back then and how sad and confusing it must have been for her.
I am hoping that you take Tisha's suggestions and outlook to heart and listen to what she had to say. I think her suggestions and understanding are excellent and very helpful. As she said, "go DO something about this now." Don't just go round and round in this sad hole you are in. Make a move and stick to it. My preference is for both of you to seek counseling together. Perhaps that will start constructive discussions between the 2 of you.
I have talked to one woman who's husband did far worse cheating than your husband did. Her marriage was about the same length. They went round and round for some time before both of them decided that they were getting nowhere and took the initiative to solve their problem. They worked hard at it for months and finally have gotten to the point where they are relatively happy and continuing to progress in their marriage. The thing is that they both decided to stop the merry-go-round hurting and arguments and decided to commit themselves to solving the very significant problem. They did use a form of counseling and still do. It is that and their brave commitment that allowed them to return to a happy marriage that they believe will succeed. If you and your husband both make that commitment then you can return to the marriage that you have had for many years, or at least to close to what it was.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2009): scrambled, yet again when you confront him he responds by physically abusing you. how many times before he really really hurts you and finally destroys you. you are heading for an emotional breakdown if this is not contained. you say your hb is an accompliashed liar. what more do you need. i know you want to move on but with so many things being stumbled upon continuously, surely you cannot ignore all this. you may claime that your hb loves you, but the more you probe the more he is getting fedup. he is fedup to the point of throwing in the towel???? so much of his stories do not make sense. he has covered his tracks so well but not well enough.
regarding the intimacy issue- please tread very carefully when you withold love and intimacy. this may make him run into any available womans arms. i know you have been hurt and that you just cannot move on but if you want to bond again then you need to swallow your pride and SLOWLY become intimate - hugs, kisses, tenderness, affection and ultimately sex. if he is not getting it from you he will find it elsewhere. you are not even 100% sure he did not engage in sexual acts with this younger woman.
i so desperately want to advise you to leave him and advise you about financial wellbeing but i think perhaps you are stubborn and holding on to him, no matter what you discover. you both have not dealt with his betrayal. he has bullied you into forgetting that it happened over a 18(?) month period. he has manipulated you. threatened you. previously wanted a divorce(?), hurt you physically. yet you are resolute in your attempt to continue. you need healing and you are just not healing. you also need professional help to come to terms with his betrayal. more than anything, you need to protect yourself from him hurting you physically again. i think you are not strong enough to deal with this alone. so please seek help and seek it fast.
32 years, yes you do not want to lose it but do you stay at the cost of your life , your well being, your sanity and self respect. jealousy is breathing more jealously, it is consuming you, it is also controlling you. you need closure. and only the truth will set you free. please take care and remember, you are only human. you have faults and you have tried to recitfy them. please do not allow your hb to bully and control you. he is on the verge of doing something very drastic. it is like he cannot take it anymore- all your questions and insecurities. he has begun to hurt you, lowering your self esteem even more. where will it all end?????
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reader, jan123 +, writes (29 July 2009):
oh dear i know just how you feel believe you me.
my husband actually had an affair last year we had been married 30 years, whats wrong with these men??? they really think they are invinciable and really just dont have a clue....survice to say my husband and yes he is still one though i did start divorce proceeding is sooooooooooo sorryyyyyyyyyy not alf as sorry as i am as i am making him pay BIG TIME... dont get pleasure out of it but want him to feel a bit of my pain and as its only been 8 months i am begining to think enough is enough.
he actually didnt start it but well no one made him carry it through so i kinda understand you...we have everything to loose and every thing to gain but which is it to be...not worried i wouldnt meet anyone again as i did 6 months ago but i have to work it out that meeting this new guy and knowing him 6 months and not sure i know everything about him and knowing my husband 35 years in total and knowing what he has done i gonna try again...very difficult and a little different to your situation but i do wish you well...take a step back weigh it all up and go for it...we deserve better..do as my children told me "hold your head up high and have self respect" your get stronger each day believe me x
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reader, scrambled brain +, writes (29 July 2009):
scrambled brain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again Tisha. Your words might be another of the jolts I need. I am wallowing in self pity and you summed it up perfectly that it makes me feel good at the time and then I'm back to square 1.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 July 2009):
Thanks, SB, for that insight, that you are consumed by jealousy and insecurity right now. I think that you know you don't want to be there. Again, I don't know how I'd react in your situation, not having ever been there, so I cannot pretend that I would have all the answers and would know what to do. I know myself a little bit, though, and what I've learned is that I feel better when I am planning, than when I am reacting. Does that make sense? I take what little control I have over a situation that is completely out of my hands by figuring out what I can do on a practical level to help myself or to help my family member or friend in need. If THIS is happening, then we should do THAT. If THAT is going on, we need to be planning THIS.
Analyze, plan and execute. Repeat as necessary.
So you are at a juncture here. Do you continue to analyze this situation, what he did, what he didn't do, what you did, what you didn't do, ad nauseum, or do you take that next step. Plan to DO something. Whether it be investigating his phone calls further or actually making an appointment with a professional. I know what I'd be doing in this case, I think, but I'm not stuck in the rut that you've grooved for yourself with your worry and insecurity and unhappiness.
It's not working, what you've been doing. You've only been REacting, not ACTING. So consider this a kick in the heinie--go DO something about this now. Don't just worry yourself into a hysterical state. You've done that. You've been there. It doesn't fix a damn thing. It makes you feel good for those minutes that you're letting your anger out and letting him have. But then you're left exactly where you've been for the past year.
Why do you want to stay there?
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reader, scrambled brain +, writes (29 July 2009):
scrambled brain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you also Tisha for your constructive advice and analysis. Much appreciated.
I do admit the initial blame but I suppose I am consumed with jealousy and insecurity now,
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (29 July 2009):
Hi, I know I’m a bit late to this question, but I have followed some of it and saw that you had some fresh information and a fresh wound. I have spent some time thinking about this situation and I just want to share my thoughts with you. I hope you take them in the spirit with which they are intended, which is to be helpful. But sometimes, you have to be cruel to be kind, to borrow an old song’s cliché. So I may come off as being mean to you; that is not my intent. My intention is to help you face some uncomfortable things that you’ve managed to keep at arm’s length because you get to be angry about what he’s done to you.
I’m not going to go blow by blow over who did what to whom and where and with what telephone. The individual details don’t really matter—they sketch a broader picture and that’s what I’m looking at. Where you are now, and where you intend to go is the present and future. You’re going to need to look at the past, but I think the way you’re looking at it isn’t helping and worse, I think, is that it is actually unhealthy for your state of mind.
You’ve basically said that you’ve cut off your intimacy with your husband: "Even if we got intimate again (which I can't see happening) I would feel sick at what he called her." That sounds like you have given up. Well, if you have, what are you still doing with him?
"Then I'm thinking that all these texts were made over a year ago and we've continued to love each other since then so am I stupid letting it ruin my marriage just cos I've found a few more of them?" Now that sounds more promising. So which is it? End it or try to repair it?
The thing I see in you is that you seem addicted to the worrying and the anger, or at least it’s become a habitual way of though. Every day you throw fresh fuel on the anger pile, and this is simply not a healthy way to live. You know that but don’t seem able to break this cycle.
I think you do need to seek counseling, if you have any hope or desire to save the marriage. I read one of your answers where you dismissed it because you’re skeptical and just thinks it's people nosing into other's lives. [“He said he would do anything including counselling and a lie detector test (do they exist in real life?) but I am very sceptical about counselling and think it's just people nosing into your lives. I can't see how anyone can make me come to terms with it all.”] Well, what is DearCupid, and your questions here? This is a public forum where people nose into other’s lives, because they choose to try to help and those asking want some input. You’re willing to come on here and talk about it, I guess because you’re anon, but you’re not willing to go and give it a real try, with a trained professional therapist, who may actually have tools and insight that may guide you to reconciliation with your husband. Are you truly sincere about wanting to save this marriage, or do you derive some sort of satisfaction in making him out to be the bad guy every day? Which is it?
Look, I’d be devastated too if my husband engaged in this type of emotional affair/flirtation, whatever you might call it. It’s inappropriate contact with a person of the opposite sex, hidden from the spouse, clearly not without some intent to deceive. I’d be angry and furious and probably react very badly. But after a year, I hope that I would have figured out what the path to healing was. Is it move out and let him go? Is it to find some way to repair the damage and more than that, identify what went wrong and then work to resolve
Here’s where I’m going to be a bit brutal to you, sorry for that, I know you are the aggrieved party and have good reason to be angry, but I want you to have all these perspectives, if you truly want to save the marriage.
I think you’re afraid you’re going to have to discuss this “lack of affection” and your denial of sex and closeness to your husband, and THAT'S why you won't go to counseling. You’re afraid you’re going to be called to account for that, and you just can’t stand the thought of having even one iota for the blame of this situation laid at your door. You’ve blamed it on the menopause, but is it really only hormonal? Or is there something more to it? You don’t seem to have explored this area at all; you seem intent on making this all his fault, even if you pay lip service to your coldness toward him sending him to find some warmth and acceptance from another woman.
It's counseling or the marriage as a successful entity is over. Are you so stubborn that you can’t have a dialogue and explore ALL the issues that led you as a couple to be where you are now?
I don’t mean to blame you for his actions; he chose to do what he did. But then, so did you. You chose to let menopause shut you down sexually and shut you down emotionally from your husband. You’re choosing to fight the same fight with the same issues over and over again. So I guess I’m calling you on the sincerity of your desire to save the marriage. If you don’t go for counseling, I think you’ll continue in the same vein, recycling the same grievances over and over, as you’ve been doing for a year, and you won’t be anywhere further in the healing process. You’re going to have to face your fears, face some uncomfortable realizations about yourself and your part in this marriage and its current trajectory, which is all downhill.
I do truly hope that you find your way out of this dismal and sad chapter in your life, and move on to a happier and peaceful resolution of the situation, whatever it turns out to be.
All the best.
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reader, GrimmReality +, writes (29 July 2009):
 Yes, poster.I was a victim of cheating myself so I know just how good of liars they can be. Some performances by my ex would get an oscar nomination.In both cases that my friends used it, luckily for them their hubby's cracked before they left the parking lot. But in both cases, both wives have told me that they indeed would have gone through with the polygraph had it gotten to that point.and the Sim card leads right back to what I was saying about tech. he did forget about those texts. Thats the bad thing about Sim Cards and interchanging them. Actually another option is to go to an electronics store and get a sim card copier. You can get them at most electronic or Cell phone stores. They run about 15 dollars American and you can also get blank Sim cards and it takes about 30 seconds to make a copy of a sim that you can put into a phone and pull everything up. If you do that just make sure you get a blank card that is for the same model phone as your hubby's or it will not read correctly.Polygraphs in the US are fairly inexpensive. I have no idea about the UK.I know this must be very difficult for you. The only other course in the same vein that I know of is if your hubby has a computer it is also cost effective and results effective to also consider installing a keylogger on your computer. They are very inexpensive and readily available on the web. Matter of fact if you refresh the page enough times you may get a popup for one at the top of the adds.I was just at another site that I am a member of and reading a couple of new posts that involved keyloggers. You really do not need a ton of computer expertise apparently to get results from them.Once again, Im sure these options were the last thing you wanted to hear, and I apologize if I brought any more distress to your situation. I just wanted to inform you of an alternative course of action. I am sure your head is spinning at this point from all of this, and I am very sorry this is happening to you. But if you require any more information on any of those methods, by all means feel free to let me know and I can steer you in the right direction.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2009): its time to face it,the problem doesnt go away. I think if he`s determined to cheat,he will cheat. There will be more discoveries and different cover ups. I have seen this shit in my own life. He has no excuses and would see it very different if you was doin the same. You have already questioned if you`ll ever be intimate again and it,to me says its the beginning of the end. You are not letting a few texts ruin your marriage,he is taking care of that for you. I can relate to so much to what you say,its a drastic thing to say,but he`s going to make you feel worthless,he`s not even sorry and you need to get rid of him.
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reader, scrambled brain +, writes (29 July 2009):
scrambled brain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi GrimmReality,
He would certainly have deleted all texts if he had realised they were there.
Wot would you suggest if he didn't crack by the car stage? He is a very accomplished liar. Would you then go to the actual test place?
To the anonymous lady who answered first....thanks for your kind support.
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reader, GrimmReality +, writes (29 July 2009):
You know what? You have every right. Married men DO NOT TEXT OTHER WOMEN for anything other than BUSINESS.
He was mad more at himself because as always someone who is cheating has to cover all their bases, and technology is his undoing.
If he was so remorseful last time he would have erased the texts.
he's mad because you caught him, simple as that.
You know, as drastic as this may sound, if you want a shot at getting thr truth out of him I am going to make an unconventional, yet effective suggestion. I know more than one wife that this has worked for.
Go to a site on the web in your area that does Polygraph testing. You don't have to sign up to have him take one, but print out the pages of the site. Then tell him that you have arranged for him to take a polygraph. And write out a series of questions that you can show him that you have directed the examiner to ask.
He will be upset, but calmly tell him in your sweetest voice:
"You know honey, the reason I got this appointment is because I know that you want to be able to put both your mind, and mine, at ease. I know you want to do that just as much as I want it." So lets put this issue to bed once and for all."
The morning of the supposed test you carry on just like you are getting ready to go to the examiner. Hurry him to get ready and when both of you get in the car, just mention to him that before we take this test, you'd like to know if there is anything that is gonna be asked on the test that he may fail on.
He'll sit in the car, and sweat, and if there is anything, he'll spill the beans right there. He wouldn't want to risk being caught in a lie on a polygraph. Even though in the US they arent admissable in court(I have no idea about the UK) but thats not the point. The point is that he will be so freaked out and scared of what he has to answer that you may get some truth out of him.
This has worked for two women I personally know in real life. They went all they way to the car scenario, and both their husbands sang like canaries.
Of course, it is a drastic measure, and many people would shudder at the thought of such a deliberate scheme. But the end in fact may justify the means.
Best of luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2009): Hi,
I am not sure if I can help but I am in a similar situation with my boyfriend. We haven't been together as long as you and your husband so maybe my view is different but I understand what you are feeling. My boyfriend does the same thing about getting annoyed with me for snooping, when really it is me that should be angry at what has been found! Men, eh?
I think what you should do is write a letter to him explaining how it makes you feel and how hurt you are and that you still want it to work with him. (if you do). When we are upset and angry and try to talk all to often it gets out of control and we all say things we shouldn't. In a letter (or email, but a letter is more personal) you can say everything you need to and think it all over properly, and then hopefully he can reply in a similar calm and thoughtful manner, rather than there being violence and tears.
For yourself, you should focus on what got you through the last time (again, if you want to stick with him) and try to remember that it was in the past, no matter how hurtful it is. Thats what I've just had to do and it does still make me sick to think of the things he said, but I try and see it in his eyes as a "game". It makes me angry that they can do this to us for a game but again, thats men for you.
hope this helps.
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