A
female
age
30-35,
*mzarr
writes:My boyfriend and I have been with each other since I was 16 and he was 17. We are now 20 and 21.Our whole relationship has been long distance. We've been flying back and forth to make things work. Since he has a fulltime job I hvae done most of the flying.In September I had flown over to see him. I had a gut feeling that something wasn't right. While he was at work I logged into his email, I snuck a peak while he was logging in once, and I found email notifications from dirty sites which he has signed up to.He had been contacting other girls telling them how hot/beautiful/cute/sexy they are and that he'd like to do "things".Long story short... I left him and his parents notes, packed my bags and went to stay at a friends house. Told him I was catching a plane when really I wasn't. Ended up telling him I was still in the same state. He said he never met up with any of them, did it because he wanted to feel wanted, and swore he would never do it again. I then took him back.The thing that hurt the most is that he was calling other girls nice things and he was messaging them so close to my birthday... Which he forgot about until the day before. I didn't even get a card. But he can afford a $200 membership.Thinking about that hurts me and makes me wonder if he was paying that much for a membership, did he really not meet up with any of them?I just don't know what to do... I know i'm inlove with him but i'm not completely happy being with him because of our relationship. I bite my tongue alot so I don't annoy him. But when things are good... They're great.Maybe i'm stuck in a habit?
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female
reader, emzarr +, writes (21 January 2013):
emzarr is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everyone who answered. You all gave terrific advice. I read all of your replies when I originally posted this question. It was mine and ITs 4 year anniversary on the 20th October (which he forgot about). A few weeks later we broke up. While I know i'm better off without him, i'm still struggling with the break up. I'm so emotionally screwed up from the relationship. I posted a question about this too.
Thank you again for your help everyone. 3
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (5 October 2012):
 I think that you and your LDR B/F need to define - and contrast - "in love" and "not happy with".....
Once you've done that, I PROMISE that the "answer" to your question will, magically, appear.....
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 October 2012):
 "did it because he wanted to feel wanted"
So what he's saying is you aren't enough for him, you don't make him feel wanted. Ergo, since you haven't been enough for him so far, you wont ever be, which in return means he'll continue to want to feel wanted by someone else. He's basically saying that he isn't happy with you, but that he's too scared to break it off. It's a common situation for long term relationships, it seems: the longer you've been together the harder it is to picture your life without that person in it, even though you aren't really happy with that person. So instead of breaking up you prolong it, loathing it, and building up resentment towards your partner, apparently until one of you cheats and finally place the last nail in the coffin.
Or, you gather up your gut and end a dysfunctional relationship before you grow old and bitter.
"Which he forgot about until the day before. I didn't even get a card"
Come on girl, you know this isn't the relationship you imagined in your dreams, and you want out. He wants out, you want out. But one of you needs to be the brave one and step out! You're stuck in a habbit, and you're scared of being single, because you're not used to it. Same with him! He doesn't want you (he proved this by chatting up women on a dating site, and said so himself when he said he wanted to feel wanted...), but he's scared of being without you. You're both staying just because you're scared of what it will be like without each other.
It's not going to get better. If you're lucky it stays just like this, but if you see the red flags and take them seriously you should see that your boyfriend is already cheating on you. Maybe he hasn't physically met up with any women, but he was chatting them up behind your back, hiding it from you, pretending to be single, saying he wanted to "do stuff". That's cheating.
Face the truth about your relationship and about yourself, ask yourself if THIS is what will make you happy in the years to come. Or if maybe you should end it before it gets worse and while you and him can still split on good terms.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (5 October 2012):
 LDRs are never easy, and challenging at best.
You've been with this man five years now and haven't been happy for quite some time - yet YOU spend your money to fly to where he is for a visit; you bite your tongue a lot so as to not annoy him. What does HE do? Seeks out other girls to call and flirt with (by the way, how much can you believe that he hasn't met up with them in person?; spends $200 on a membership, yet forgets your birthday?
And you ask us if you're stuck in a habit? Well, what do YOU think?
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 October 2012):
 I really don't know what would be worse for me : knowing that my bf really had met up with these girls for sex... or knowing that he has spent 200 dollars on a membership which he has no intention to ever use for real, but just for an ego boost. That's soooo dumb.
What would be worse, a cheater or a dumb narcissist ?...
I don't know- may be the cheater, but the dumb narcissist is a pretty close second.
OP, what about you choose ... neither one and change guy altogether ? After all, it's not like your relationship was perfect before this cold shower, it had already , by your admission, started making you sort of unhappy.
Yours is the situation when, sure when things are good they are great.... but when they are not good, they totally suck !
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