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female
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anonymous
writes: I've recently been sleeping with a guy who has a longterm girlfriend. When I met him I knew he had a girlfriend, but, as someone with very low self-esteem, I was totally overwhelmed by his obvious interest in me, and we started having a relationship. Every time we slept together, we would talk about it afterwards and he would tell me how much he liked me, and that he was going to talk to his girlfriend about it. But he never did.We finally stopped sleeping together a couple of months ago, but we still spend a lot of time with each other, we have so much fun together and I still often sleep in his bed, although nothing happens. I care about him so much, but it hurts everytime i know he's with his girlfriend, and it's destroying me. He said recently that he probably will break up with her soon, not because he doesn't love her, but because he gets jealous when he's not with her! I can't let him go because I'm sure he really does like me, but am I totally stupid to think that, after they break up, he will want to go out with me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2006): your emotions and his will probably be your last worry if the other girl w/low self esteem finds out about you two put yourself in her shoes for a second.what would you do if you were on the other side of the spectrum? i having low self esteem myself would probly go straight out and buy a chainsaw, a woodchipper,and a shovel.no,seriously he is taking advantage of you.you can do better i'm sure.get rid of him for good!and be a woman and tell the other one,anonymously ofcourse (woodchipper)ha ha!
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2006): Hahaha... Strange isn't it? 8]
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female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (14 May 2006):
 Martini 98.1% ???
How did you reach that precise figure?
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female
reader, bonym +, writes (14 May 2006):
 Martini is 100% right my dear, you need to find out whats causing the low self esteem, with me it was my childhood, it stemmed back from primary school and secondary school and has stayed with me up until now at age 23. Because I identified what was the cause of my low self esteem I know what I need to do to eradicate the "poor self concept" and sleeping with a guy cos he shows me attention is NOT the solution. xXx
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2006): Was the moderator who approved of this question drunk? 8o
Anyway to answer your question, I'll get straight to the point, and like the other two Aunts here have said - BEFORE YOU JUMP HIS BONE or anything like that again, I believe you must rebuild your own moral standards. You speak of low-self esteem. So what's causing that? Find the core of that problem, and fix it, at least, reinforce your ideals, visions, principles, and of course, your hobbies.
I am sure he gives you quite a bit of comfort emotionally and possibly physically. Other aunts and uncles may say to ditch him cuz he's using you. I totally agree with them. HOWEVER, if you NEED someone to help stabilize your emotions, then do it. HE IS OBVIOUSLY using you for something, so it would be 'fine' to use him as a 'controller' for the time being. So long as you don't continue to sleep with him. Sleeping with him, just makes him smirk every time he leaves your house. Why not?
Then again, there IS a chance his emotions are sincere. Though 98.1% of my logic says he isn't.
Yes, you have to find and fix and build on the problems associated to your low self esteem first. When you have a part of that out of the way, then you may see and feel things a lot clearer.
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A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (13 May 2006):
You must have low self-esteem to allow this guy to use you sexually like this. He is playing both you and his long term GF. C'mon, why can you not see what he is doing? He will never be yours only because he obviously loves the thrill of having two (or even more!?) girls at his beck and call.
Dont kid yourself this guy will ever change sweetie. He will destroy what remains of your esteem and confidence unless you get out now. Dont kid yourself either that he will stick around for frinedship. Because he sees you as a freind yes, but as one with benefits. This is all well and good if you are both going into this with your eyes open, but lets be truthful, he is the only one who will come oput unhurt.
Dont say you were not warned!!
xx
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A
female
reader, bonym +, writes (13 May 2006):
My dear are you insane? Listen, the low self esteem doest wash with me, my friend, please, you shouldnt use low self esteem as an excuse for this. I have been through such stripping of my self concept that I actually question God about my DNA, I say things like I wish I was born as someone else, I wished my hair was longer, my skin was fairer, my eyes more oriental, my teeth perfect etc and all the usual things, in essence I just wanted to look perfect I would say I have an incredibly low self esteem and perceptin of myself, but that does not excuse having a sexual relationship with a guy who has a girlfriend. I have had men show me interest and it surprises me cos I think "urrgh, what could he possibly see in me? I was like, Oh my gosh, there are way prettier and cuter girls and he actually likes me?
Now, my friend you are not just to blame, he should have known better, as he was already with someone. I think this guy has just used you, he has seen that you were vulnerable, you had a poor perception of yourself and he played on that and you started sleeping together and then you felt great. My friend, I am not here to condemn you or make you feel bad etc, but I dont think this guy is good for you, I strongly believe he has used you, he was having fun having sex with you, you felt great too and now he cant even decide who he wants to be with. My dear, this is not the way to boost your self esteem. Find an honest, faithful man whom will love and adore you and someone who is not seeing another girl. All the best. xXx
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