A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I feel my boyfriend has the most unrealistic expectations of me and it's really pushing me away. Hr told me this evening on the phone that his back went out of place so he had to take the day off work to rest as well as see a physio. He also said he might not be able to make it up to my place on the weekend if his back stays the way it is.We live 90 minutes apart. I said on the phone it is a real shame his back is like that because we were supposed to be having dinner with my best friend and her husband.I told my boyfriend not to worry though and that if he isn't able to travel up, I can just go to their place myself and I can see him the following weekend when his back feels better. My boyfriend then asked me if I could drive down to his place on Saturday, pick him up and drive him back home on Sunday. I was shocked he even asked me as I would be doing 4 x trips of 90 minutes which would be a total of 6 hours driving just for 1 night (plus going to work early Monday morning)He then made me feel bad saying I am selfish and I didn't love him enough and if I really did love him I wouldn't hesitate I would just agree and help out.Over a month ago, I told him I was going to be flat out at work on the same weekend as his best friend's wedding. I made it clear that I wanted to attend the wedding but go back home straight after to finish off my work as I had deadlines to meet.When the wedding finished instead of accepting I had to leave, he wanted me to drop him and a mate home which was 40 minutes in the opposite direction. At first I asked him if he could get a lift with another friend or get a cab and he called me heartless and selfish. Even when I explained my deadlines at work and how busy I was, he still didn't care. So I had to drive this 40 minutes plus the extra 90 minutes of my normal trip. Am I wrong in saying he is expectations are unrealistic? Am I the selfish one or is he just putting the guilt trip on me?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (29 June 2017):
 Well does he ever drive and collect and drop you off? If not and it is always one sided then yes that would not be fair. But if it was me and I had pulled my back I would like to think my partner would step up and offer to come and see me. ( I know for a fact that he would). If it is one sided then no it is not fair. Also it is not fair for him to call you names just because you have said no. Honestly it doesn't sound like you are both on the same page at all.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (21 June 2017):
 I think HE is the one being a BIT selfish here AND inconsiderate. Now I get it, he isn't feeling up to driving but still wants to spend time with you so he was hoping that YOU wanted that too and were willing to drive and pick up and then drive and drop off.
I guess it comes down to one thing, WHAT would YOU do if the roles were reversed? If you don't expect HIM to do I think it's fair that he doesn't have those expectations of you. BUT... what I think you HAVE to remember is not everyone thinks the same way, not even couples who have been together for a long time.
I think it's OK to say no from time to time when it really doesn't suit you. BF or not. For him to expect that you drive 90 minutes down to pick him up - drive the pair of you BACK to your place and then drive him home and then yourself home.... THAT is a lot of mileages, time, gas and while it's great to spend time together.. it seems a little bit of wasting time. WHY not meet up for something halfways there? Then you both drive 45 minutes each way? Or skip seeing each other that weekend? If he is feeling so crappy he doesn't want to drive maybe he should just chill and you two can have a "Skype" date instead.
Pick your battles. To me, if he asks RARELY for a "favor" and you can see it work, then go for it. If you don't really see it working FOR YOU, then tell him no.
And yes, I DO think he is trying to guilt trip you. My guess is that is part of his MO. And it has worked in the past so he continues to do it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 June 2017): I think he is being unreasonable and not considering the expense and time involved in chauffeuring him around; and still going about your normal routines. I think it can be resolved with a a good talk.
I have to ask. Does he go out of his way, and perform acts of self-sacrifice and inconvenience on your behalf? Does he do a lot of really sweet things for no apparent reason, just because? He wouldn't think anything of asking for outrageous things; because he would do anything for you.
Sometimes people do extraordinary things for you with hopes they can count on you someday to return the favor. They will also deplete your supply of affection, drown you in guilt, over-draw from your generosity, and push the envelope. That means you have to set boundaries in spite of their pouting and protest.
We all do it in our relationships, because who else can you count-on in a pinch? You are supposed to go out of your way for your lover and partner. There is a limit, mind you!
Just tell him that you're not his private chauffeur; and sometimes it's just too much driving for you. Ask somebody else. He'll grumble, but he was taking advantage, and he knows it. Don't begrudge him favors, he's your boyfriend; but if it's unreasonable, just say so. If you feel guilty, don't blame it on him. You shouldn't feel guilty about saying no, when he's demanding too much or being greedy.
Generosity and doing favors comes from the heart voluntarily. People will use you when they see no limits, or you don't know how to say a firm "no."
Part of setting boundaries is being able to endure their backlash, backtalk, or anger for refusing them. You can spoil your mate sometimes; until they think nothing they ask of you is too much. He ain't your husband; so sweetheart, there's so much you go out of your way for with a boyfriend.
I love my guy. He's as sweet and generous as they come. He comes to my house after work; and tosses his sandy gritty dirty work-clothes on my bathroom floor, after tracking through my house in his dirty work boots. He's the CEO and owner of his business. He should work in a suit and tie, and sit behind his desk in his lovely office. He likes to get dirty. I use to sweep and vacuum up that mess, wash his clothes, and clean the dirty shower without saying a word. The man has a maid to clean his own house! But no, uh-uh, don't come and dirty mine to save her work! We had a talk, and he tried to play it off. Sometimes it was red clay!!! Now he cleans-up before coming over, but I tell him just come on over, I know he's exhausted. He's rich, I could ask him for anything; and he'd give it to me. But I don't! Taking advantage of a kind-hearted person is unworthy of their trust and affection. Oh BTW! Yes, I use his cleaning lady! Only now and then; I don't mind doing housework.
Set boundaries, and stand behind them. Be flexible and compromise. If you've done a string of good-deeds and you don't see a return of gratitude; then you're being taken advantage of. Stop it, and say no!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 June 2017):
 Ar a glance.. maybe half and half :)
Your bf IS laying it on pretty thick- then again, it depends. The distance is 90 minutes also for him, so if he is the one who is always, or most often , driving to see you on weekends- then you do not have much of a case. Then again, if the commuting follows a struct rule of alternate weekends ( one weekend he drives, the next you do )...you still don't have much of a case. This an emergency, he does not break his back every day !, - and for once you could have made an extra effort. ( Although, personally, I find your solution perfectly reasonable, it won't kill him if he does not see you for a weekend . But it is very nice, and flattering, that apparently he thinks it WILL :)
Ditto for the 40 minutes detour. He SHOULD have made other arrangements previously, knowing that you were in a hurry. Then again, if it was an once off, and not his regular M.O. of him always wanting you at his beck and call... come on, 40 minutes ?! You can't waste 40 minutes for your bf ? You get to work 40 minutes later , is it such a big deal ? A bit of flexibility is always in order in most circumstances of life.
All in all, it sounds like at times he is inclined to lean on you more than he should- and that you, though, are rather rigid and uncooperative . Maybe this is something that both of you can work on, each at your own end :)
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