A
female
age
41-50,
*ottheone
writes:Am i being selfish when i tell my boyfriend of 11years that my wants and needs come first over his mom and sister want and needs. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, nottheone +, writes (31 March 2007):
nottheone is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwhat i ment by this is. if his mom wants a new outfit,furniture, or her credit card paid off before the intrest starts to occur, and also i want these thing to who should be first priority. but don't forget she has a husband and a working son with no children living with her and they both have jobs.she spends her money on wants but when it comes to needs she's calling. i never ask him for anything if i don't have it i'll get it when i can. Everything in our home i bought it,you name it i payed it he goes half on the house bill but besides that nothing. it hurts me to go to his moms house and she be like ...... gave me the money for that mirror, lamp,dryer ect.. but if i asked for something like that i will have to ask about 5,0000 times but me being me i'll maybe ask once and if i don't get a answer that's all she wrote because i will never beg a man for anything.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2007): It isn't selfish. It is a given that you would demand such things from the man you've been with for so long. However, it isn't a reasonable thing to demand. The thing is, like the two aunts previous to me had said, it depends on the situation. If his mom needs a drive to the hospital for a check up, but you need your man to drive you to the salon - what do you think he should choose to do? Ditch his mom for the health check-up for your perm?
You are a priority of high importance in his life, and so are the rest of his family members. There is no one who can be first on everything.
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A
female
reader, cd206  +, writes (24 January 2007):
 It totally depends on the situation. Could you post more details and I'll come back for a read?
CD
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A
female
reader, Clarey +, writes (23 January 2007):
 Possibly. It depends on the situation. For example, if you said you never, ever want to see them at Christmas, that might be considered selfish. Laying it down as law that you must always come first is not very considerate and it should not be a competition. You should feel sure that you are the priority and therefor relaxed enough to notice that they need some consideration bacause it helps him maintain his relationships with them.
It is kind to think about other people, it only goes wrong when one person can not say no to another persons demands and, for example, always drives them to the shops, clips their nails and never has Sunday lunch at home because they insist on having handy jobs done then! I know an elderly lady like that.
Insisting that you are considered first, as a general law laid down, would be selfish. However, if you have a particular issue then you should discuss it and compromise. You may not get exactly what you want always, but half way.
It is a problem if it becomes impossible for him to do anything with other people without checking with you first. He should know which things he can say yes to without seeking permission. If, for example, my partner would like to ask his parents for dinner, he would know which times would be likely to be good with me. If they were a little inconvenient I would try to adjust my plans. If I could not, he would change the time to help me. I would not ram down his throat the fact that he made the plans without consulting me first. That would be very demanding.
Perhaps could could be more precise about the problem?
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