Am I right to be angry over lack of contact in a long distance relationship?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Cheating, Long distance, Troubled relationships

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Question - (25 August 2009)

6 Answers - (Newest, 14 October 2010)

A female age 36-40, *inglor09 writes:

Hi everyone,

I just want to get something clarified in my head and would like some opinions. To cut a v.v. long story short, about 16 months ago i was in a very happy and loving relationship with someone for 2.5 years. Then 16 months ago, I decided to move to thailand for 6 months, to improve my career and get some life experience. my guy was very supportive and we planned to stick together through a long distance relationship.

However things did not go to plan. Soon after I arrived the guy rarely emailed, maybe once a fortnight, (a one or 2 lines email) didnt answer calls or respond to texts, sent me one package (which was a load of junk mail and bills that i didnt need) and generally made me feel overall depressed, and I wasnt enjoying myself, I was so upset over him. I gave him an ultinatum, and he said he'd sort it out. But he didnt, in my despair, i went out more, got drunk and ended up cheating on him. I felt so guilty that I broke up with him and that was that. I didnt tell him why, just that he was not keeping in touch and I was unhappy.

However, I never stopped loving him. I returned 8 months later and saw him and it was very sad and emotional. We ended up sleeping together and soon after that I had to confess what I had done and he was livid. However, we kind of made amends,he ended up coming to visit me a few months later. He was still very upset and hurt. Now Im back in the UK and we have seen each other and the love is very much there still, its just a case of rebuilding the trust and seeing if it will work second time around.

My mother, blames the whole break up on me. OK i did the whole 'dumping' thing and cheated on him. Which was awful and i regret it hugely. But am I right to be angry at him for his neglect and was I right to be angry at him in the first place? Or was I being unreasonable? I want to see what other people think.

Thanks for all your help!

View related questions: broke up, depressed, drunk, long distance, text

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A male reader, AntiAliasJohn +, writes (14 October 2010):

I don't think he realized, let alone understood, that you would wind up feeling neglected by his inaction. It likely never crossed his mind, and unfortunately in the "West" we have a pretty bad time of telling others what things mean emotionally to us and how to love us. The neglect you felt paired with the anger of stymieing your expression of your feelings are what likely pushed you over the edge emotionally -- This was not a matter of his fault or your fault so much as it was a fault in how many of us have been taught to deal with stress, love, etc. There is nothing about this situation that doesn't suck, except for the fact that it is in the past and that healing can now occur.

First, I recommend taking a look at something called the 5 Languages of Love ( http://www.5lovelanguages.com/ ) to help you get a sense of who you are when it comes to feeling appreciated by other people. From the sounds of it, Quality Time is a biggie for you, but that's just a guess. Second, having both you and your partner tell each other how each other works in these terms, and then trying to 'speak each other's language'. Finally, if you haven't given a good apology yet, give one (FYI, there are different ways one can apologize as well -- you can find info about that from the same site I just gave you), and make sure he knows wholly how you felt about the situation then and how you feel about it now. That may bring up a lot of unpleasant feelings (that we "westerners" have more or less been taught to run away from instead of facing), but it's the only way to break through that emotional wall between you two. At the end of it, you both will hopefully know a lot more about each other, feel the truth is out there and that you both are accepted by the other, and thereby put a great new foundation for a relationship that is obviously supposed to be there.

As for the blame game - i.e. who screwed up the relationship first. While you sleeping with another man (and related after effects) wasn't a great demonstration of your self control, it is okay - you felt hurt and extremely angry, so at the time being with someone else might have seemed like the right idea. We're human, not Hollywood Heroes or Biblical Utopians -- it is okay to forgive ourselves for not being something imaginary. Furthermore, while his actions sent you off on your downward spiral, he had no idea that what he was doing was injuring you so much. It's not his fault either. This is one of those circumstances -- which are far more common than most of us realize -- wherein nobody is to blame, because neither one of you knew how to handle the new situation. We don't always have to find someone or something to blame. In this case, there was a problem in communication and understanding, a kink, that led to such a huge unraveling. The only thing you can do now is learn about what went wrong, fix those kinks, and get back on the bicycle. (wow, what a non-sequitorious metaphor... sorry for that)

(If there is anyone to be rather upset at, it is your mother for making you feel even worse about the situation -- that is not helping anyone get better.)

I hope this was helpful, and that I didn't accidentally offend someone.