A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I ended things with a guy, after about 4 months of seeing each other, mainly because I felt he wasn't all that into me anymore and I wanted to save myself from dragging it out and ending up getting seriously hurt. He only agreed to see me when he'd been drinking or when it was definitely only going to be for a short amount of time. I do believe that he really liked me- we texted 24/7, he was always going out of his way to make sure I was alright and i stayed over after nights out a couple of times- nothing sexual ever happened so it wasnt like he was getting anything out of it. He was always really sweet and is the only guy who has ever called me beautiful to my face. I've since found out that the reason things weren't going anywhere between us was because he has confidence issues. In the end i kinda gave him an ultimatum- things either got better and we saw each other more, or they ended. he told me he understood with what i was saying. i then told him it was all up to him really, and he didnt respond. so i assumed this was it.However, a few days after I ended things, he seemed to create some sort of vendetta in his head against me, and to "get back" at me for ending things proceeded to get with a random girl on a night out right in front of me. That really hurt me so I then went on to delete him on facebook and we had a massive argument. During the argument, i said "you either wanna me with me or you dont" to which he replied "well i dont think i do". The purpose of deleting him on facebook was so that I could forget about him and finally get over all the stuff that went on between us. And I was doing well until...One week later, I saw him on a night out again. I completely ignored him, acted like he wasnt there as I was still really hurting from his actions from the week before. He spent the whole night just staring at me.The next morning, I logged into facebook and he'd added me back. I left it a day and then accepted, and then went on to asking him on chat why he'd added me back. He couldn't give me a proper answer, so after he went offline I messaged him asking him to just tell me straight what he actually wanted from me so we could put all this behind us, and be civil. But I did also tell him he needed to decide where this was going and stop messing with my feelings. He didn't reply to the message. So I decided to just leave it, I saw it as him not wanting to make effort, and we didn't speak for a week.One week later, on facebook, he started talking to me on chat. He didn't mention the message i'd sent him, just made general awkward convo about his new phone and stuff, and then when i had to leave, i just casually mentioned that i missed talking to him (because i really really did/do) and hoped we'd get in touch again soon. So the next day, he texted me. And we got back into the routine of texting 24/7. It was always him who texted first. This wasn't what I was expecting- when i said i'd hoped we'd speak soon, i just meant like in general on facebook or whatever. So from him texting me 24/7 again I got the impression that maybe he was trying to fix things.The day after we started texting again, it was my birthday- he wrote happy birthday on my wall, and then an hour later, texted me it also. After this, we texted all day, until the evening, where we both ended up on a night out in the same town but in different places. we had a conversation that went like this:Him: Ha yeh i doubt they'd let u back in again. Im quite drunk now. How you fairing up? XxHim: If you get bored there. Let me know lovely. Xx*20 minutes passes of me not replying as I was having fun with me friends and me phone was in my bag*Him: Or not. XxMe: Don't get annoyed lol I aint got my phone in my hand all the time its been in my bag. I do want to see you. What time will you be at r******* til? xxHim: Come to see me. XxMe: Are you still at r******? xxHim: Nope walking home now. XxHim: What u doing? XxMe: Still at ****! Come! Please xxHim: I do want to. So bad. But I can't pay to get in now when I'm gna leave soon. I miss you. XxMe: I miss you too. You like me still don't ya? XxHim: Of course i do Laura. XxMe: For the record I like you a lot still too xxHim: How drunk are you lovely. I duno if it's the drink talking or not . XxMe: It's not drink talking at all im not that drunk haha and even if i was i wouldnt say i did if i didnt. I was gna ask you the same thing haha. This past months been awful not talkin to ya xxHim: I know what you mean lovely. But it's just Im so up and down I never know what to do. XxMe: It's okay its not impossible for me to understand. Im not gonna pressure you into anything at all xxHim: I do like you though xxAfter this, we still continued to text 24/7 for the next 4 days, he even downloaded 'whatsapp' on his phone to make talking to me easier (like blackberry messenger but for pretty much every phone). And this continued. Until i bumped into him on our next night out.I stood with him for a while, and he was just talking to everyone else he was with and paying me barely any attention. Even his friends made more of an effort to talk to me than he did, and he kept wandering off to talk to random other people that he knew. At one point, he wanted to go outside for a fag, so i followed him. He looked at me and just kinda mumbled "hows it goin" before insisting that we go inside and just wait for everyone else. He didn't want to be alone with me! Looking back, I can see how this was down to his confidence issues- he'd acted this way with me before- but at that current moment in time i just felt kinda hurt that he'd been talking to me all week but wasn't making any effort in person. After I left the club, I texted him saying 'Did you only say you still liked me because you were drunk or something?' He didnt reply. The next morning, he still hadnt replied, so i texted again saying 'I'll take that as a yes...' to which he replied 'I wasn't drunk lovely. I do still like you. I just don't want to get back into anything at the moment. X'And back we were to not speaking. A couple of days later, i felt so confused, and we ended up having a text conversation that went like this..Me:Is this is for us like forever? I was well on my way to getting over it before you added me back and then you just started texting me all the time again. If we're never getting back into anything id rather not do that cus its not fair. You've just confused me. You said you still like me so i dont know what Im sposed to think. Now it seems like you're just saying that to be niceHim:I do still like you. I just have no idea what I want at all. I know it's very unfair. I just have no idea. XMe: You dont know what you want. So you thought itd be a great idea to get back into the routine of texting me all the time again :s. If you really dont know what you want we probably just shouldnt speak. Or if you've found someone elseHim: I'm not seeing someone else. Please don't think that.Me: After everything you can't just add me back start talking 247 again tell me you still like me and then say you dont know what you want. And expect us to be friends and for it to be ok.Him: Well if you feel like that. Then maybe we shouldnt be friends.Me: Dont be like that I dont mean it to be horrible. I just dont know what u expectedHim: I didnt mean anything by it. I was just saying i do still like you. I just think that if we get started again Im gna let you down. I just dont know what I want... 4 days later, today, I tried making conversation with him over whatsapp but barely got any response to be fair though, he was moving house today ..I don't know what I'm supposed to do is this all down to his confidence issues? How can I show him that I'm understanding about that if he won't tell me? Am i right in not wanting to be just friends with him after everything or am i just being a bitch? Please be honestI just really need opinions on this i really don't know what to do. I like him SO much
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, doublejack  +, writes (7 July 2011):
I have to agree with the anonymous female poster. This guy is not into you. I find it really unusual that you saw each other for 4 months, and even stayed over at times, and nothing sexual happened. That tells me he views you as a friend he enjoys flirting a bit with. I think the confidence issue is just an excuse. He obviously had to KNOW you were / are very into him, so if he was going to make a move he would have.
To protect yourself you should probably move on. If you continue to SMS with him your feelings will linger, and he is unlikely to change. On the bright side at least this relationship didn't get to a more intimate level before you figured all this out!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2011): He can sms and write what he's feeling clearly enough, but if you can't have a conversation, there's no future. It's not that he's horrible or evil or anything, but the guy cannot carry on a simple conversation ... he clearly has issues.
It should never be this hard this early. This is when he should be going to lengths to impress you... think of it this way: a guy will be on his best, most impressive behaviour in the early days. If this is what he's offering up now, imagine what you're in for in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years.
When a man truly wants to be with you, you'll never need to ask what you're asking here.
You know the answer already. Don't waste your time.
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