A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,THIS IS REALLY LONG! I need to tell the whole story to get a clear answer!!I have been seeing my boyfriend now since May and we became officially boyfriend and girlfriend in June. In the beginning the relationship was amazing. I thought “wow, this is the man for me” we saw each other everyday.. and when we weren’t with each other we were either texting or on the phone. I noticed he was always on his phone but in the beginning this didn’t phase me. It wasn’t until about mid June when he asked me to delete his myspace and facebook for him did my suspicions start. He gave me his password so naturally before I deleted I wanted to see his messages. And to my dismay I saw that he was writing to women telling them how beautiful they were and if they could make love and that his profile says In a relationship so he wouldn’t get random messages. I saw this only a week into the relationship so I figured leave it alone guys will be guys. But then two weeks later I'm at his house. He goes to hop in the shower and he left his phone around me I heard it vibrate. I know it was wrong of me but because of what I saw the week earlier I had to look. And I also saw that he wrote to one of the girls in his contact list can we make love. At this point I was like forget this I'm not going to be played for a fool. I confronted him about his myspace and the text and he swore they were just friends and it was just all playing around and he was never going to act on it. From then on I had my guard up. On July 4th I had a party at my house his whole family came. He was making such a big deal how he was so excited for his family to meet mine so I was like wow he must reaaaaally like me because it's one thing to bring me home to mom but to get our families together is a big thing. That day he tells me he loves me. I was on cloud 9 but he kept on going inside to use the “bathroom” I kind of knew better and when I got the chance I checked his phone. I saw he called his ex girlfriend and a text to her saying I'm at my uncle's party. Not “I'm at my girlfriend's party” and I saw a text from another girl saying I miss you babe, I never see you any more. At this point I am sick to my stomach. I didn’t know what to do so I started rationalizing saying to myself he is with me every day. And this girl says she doesn’t see him any more which is obviously because of me. I also realized he has begun to delete his inbox and outbox almost every night so I knew he was hiding something. So I decided to wait it out because I knew he was going to slip up and not delete one night. But the ex thing bothered me and I had a conversation with him. He told me he is just trying to be the bigger person and be friends with her and he knew if he said he was at my house she would have went crazy blowing up his phone. So I told him that she is obviously still very attached and I don’t appreciate them talking every day and for him to send her a message saying they can't talk any more and for her to please leave us alone. He did so, I felt ok about the situation. I still kept a tabs on the other girl though and about a week later everything hit the fan because I finally saw messages he sent her saying sorry I don’t see you, I'm just busy with work but nothing changes between me and you (not that I have a girlfriend now me and you are over).. so in essence he was making her still believe they were going out. What made me confront him is she was asking him to chill that she hasn’t seen him in a month and a half (which was how long we were going out at the time, which means he wasn’t chillen with her while we were together) he of course denied it and we fought for hours and he finally wrote her a text telling her I'm sorry but we can't talk anymore. I didn’t take this one lightly I stayed upset but the next day I was fine. Two more weeks go by so it's now July 25th and I see he has a new number in his phone. A girl from work. I saw that they were texting like crazy whenever I was around and they even sent picture messages!!! I broke down, cried to myself then got really mad and sent this hoe a text message from his phone. She wrote back that they are just friends, nothing like that but I didn’t believe it and felt I still needed to confront him because there is no reason for you to be hitting up a coworker like that. From this a huge fight came about and I told him it's either me or these women. He says it's them hitting him up and he's just being polite by responding. Quite frankly I didn’t care and told him either he changes his number and deletes his contacts or me and him won't work. This in a way was test ya know. After much fighting and arguing and him telling me he isn’t a child he did it. That to me proved a lot and I was ready to trust him again and stop snooping. August goes by and we had lil fights about his ex because she is crazy and since she couldn't call him any more she randomly stopped by his job and I found out but that wasn’t his fault so I didn’t keep nagging about it.. but in September I go to his computer to check my email and I see he left his up. I was like hey what the heck look through it. And I saw messages from this girl saying hey sorry I missed your IM last night. The emails were innocent all talking about each others life nothing flirty or sexual but I was mad. He hadn't been on AIM since Feburary so why all of a sudden in September does he decided to go on AIM- oh wait I know because I cut off his way of contacting women through his phone! Again I confront him thinking maybe he will get the picture he tells me she is a friend from high school and he is a grown ass man and if he wants to go on AIM to keep in contact with old friends he can. I told him that's fine but why do the old friends have to be females? He isn't a going out type of guy so I know these girls weren't club or bar buddys and since I've been with him in May, all he did was hang with me so these women must not be too good of his friends if I never wee em chill.. so he promises me he won't go on again and he won't give his number to another women again.. Now comes 2 weeks later and I see a new contact in his phone under brown-work.. and I don’t see any messages in his phone from this person except a new inbox one that seemed like a reply. So I was like ok they were having a convo but he made a fact to delete the messages so I couldn’t see them. So I *67 the number and sure enough it is a woman.. by this time I am so emotionally drained and instead of confronting him I just try to avoid the topic and him. He kept calling me asking me what's wrong and I finally told him. He blew up and said that what he can't have female friends from work? and that I need to stop being so weak and insecure by going through his phone. I told him how does he expect me not to look because every time I do I see something. It's like asking someone who found a 20 dollar bill in the couch every week to not go looking for it next week.. the curiosity is overwhelming and they are ineveitably going to go look. He told me she knows about me and he loves me and he would never cheat on me. What happened in the beginning was the beginning and he is truly sorry but things are different now he loves me and wants to marry me. I said if she's a co worker and you talk about work why did you delete the messages. He confessed that she wrote an inappropriate text saying I will break you and your girlfriend up but he said he handled it by saying you will never compare to my girlfriend. This made me even more upset and he saw so he sent a message saying I have to lose your number, my girl has a problem with it. And her response was ok no problem which solidified the fact that she did know about me. But because of all the prior events my emotions were so hurt and damaged I really couldn’t handle this and broke down crying in front of him! I love him to death and he tells my mother he wants to marry me and even his mother that he wants to marry me which is a big thing for a man to do. And in terms of affection, attention, and over boyfriend-ness he is the man of my dreams. We don’t fight about anything but this texting other women topic. He tries to constantly reassure me he loves me to death and nothing will ever happen. But perception is reality and the things I saw taint his words. We have only been together 5 months and so much drama has happen. Our fights just got bigger longer and more explosive over less and less. I am surprised at myself I am getting upset over a tiny conversation he has with his female co worker but all I think about is the previous coworkers messages and how they started off simple and 4 days later they were exchanging picture. I just dunno what to do any more. I dunno if I go on the things he says to me and his family and my family and others about how much he loves me and im his soulmate or do I go on his actions and the one simple fact that he can't do what I ask of stop texting women. I know he changed his number which was a big thing and we still see each other like 5 times a week but still I am always jealous and suspicious. I think my suspicions are condoned due to what I saw in the beginning but I'm torn on whether or not I am over reacting now and I need to chill and let the relationship happen or if I should break it off with him.. the arguments have made our relationship tense and I can tell he is changing with me he isn’t as lovey dovey and he isn't saying I love you every two seconds and he isn’t writing me cute text messages any more about how I'm the perfect women and he can't wait to marry me.. did I push him away? Or are my fights valid?
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co-worker, ex girlfriend, facebook, flirt, his ex, I love you, insecure, jealous, myspace, soulmate, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni want to thank everyone for taking the time out to read my ridiculously long problem and for all your great responses. I appreciate it
Thanks!!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2008): I think you are trusting your instincts. If you felt the urge to check his emails or texts - let's face it, we all have done it in the past - it is because he was not making you feel secure about something.
DO NOT feel guilty for following your instincts - especially when they are proved right. Telling a girl even for a laugh the kind of things he was texting his female 'friend' would make any girlfriend go totally beserk and feel completely insecure.
It really does seem like your bloke is not being completely transparent with you. And the fact that he has jumped from one relationship to the next without a moment's thought about it is worrying. I seriously think, to be completely committed, a guy should be able to close the door behind him when he moves on to another relationship. I question whether your man really has done this.
Some have said that he likes the flattery - we all do, but not many of us sit in a bathroom calling our ex for the sake of being flattered. I think you can try to rationalise the alarm bells that are ringing, but you cannot deny that serious alarm bells are ringing.
You should be with a guy that is totally yours, that does not make you feel insecure, that respects your vulnerability in these circumstances. He may well text women in front of you telling them that he cannot speak to them anymore, but then the next day he seems to go off and repeat the same mistakes with someone new. In the long runt his will start eating away at you.
The very best of luck!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSee I know his past also which is scary. He was with his ex girlfriend up until the day he met me and he just dropped her because of me. He said they were on and off for 2 years and had problems but he was telling her he loved her and all that all the way up till March and he met me in May. It scares me that he was able to use those words and then blind side her and leave her for me. I am just afraid of that happening to me. But on a side note do I appologize for my past behavior.... or do I just move forward and stop snooping and hope our relationship will mend itself?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2008): Hi
I am afraid that I agree that you are overreacting hugely and not really treating him fairly - his texts don't sound that bad, esp weighed up with the level of commitment he seems to be showing you. Everyone can flirt a little, and likes a bit of attention, as long as it doesn't cross certain boundaries, it doesn't mean anything will happen.
You say his ex GF is crazy - you are on the path of being described in the same way by his next GF! (hopefully not of course).
My bf has a lot of female friends too, and I had a big prob with jealously. I am also jealous of his past girlfriends, even though he doesn't see them anymore (he doesn email occasionally though, and he still sees his most recent ex as he has 2 kids with her). When u really love someone, there is usually a certain level of fear and panic laced in with the pleasurable feelings - the stakes are raised!
I also started down the slippery route of checking emails. Of course, there was the odd flirtation, and he didn't exactly make it clear that he had a new girlfriend. But although I knew deep down it wasn't too bad, it still ate me up and I had many sleepness, teary nights. I now do not look, and feel a lot better for it. Like you, he endlessly tells me he loves me and will never cheat, and is very jealous of me. So we have to take that at face value. I am still tempted to look, but have made a pact with myself to never do it again - it DESTROYS your peace of mind and eventually the relationship will be ruined too.
I now keep the following thoughts in mind, and they have helped me very much:
DO NOT SNOOP - it will drive you mad and is not fair on him. If he is going to cheat, he will do it anyway, and you are likey to instinctively know, or naturally find out. So just chill and try to put these things out of your mind and enjoy the relationship. Just trust that he won't and try not to stress about things that haven't happened.
Do not let your life revolve around him. Have other interests and friends, even if you are devoted and living together. Not only does this give you other things to talk about, but it takes the pressure off him and makes you more attractive to him, and he'll not take it for granted that you're always available to him. It'll also take your mind of him and the corroding thoughts of 'where is he and what is he doing, who is he texting?'.
Treat your boyfriend as innocent unless you have genuine evidence to the contrary.
Pestering him will only drive him into the arms of a another, cooler, woman who he doesn't feel guilty and nagged with.
Remember that he does not stay with you and remain faithful to you because you plead with him to stay and make him promise not to cheat - this will only drive him away - he is simply with you because he loves you, otherwise he would leave.
The best way to keep a man is to be confident, independent and secure in your own ability to attract a man and keep his exclusive romantic interest. If you assume that it is perfectly natural for him to be besotted with you, then he is more likely to too!
Good luck
x
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A
female
reader, Faybelline  +, writes (9 October 2008):
 He obviously seems pretty upset at you and is maybe being a little harsh but, if you want try to fix it, you need to back off a little.
I know how addicting it can be once you get in to the cycle of checking emails and texts but you need to think about how it's already caused problems between the two of you. When you get urges to look at the messages, just think, how is this affecting your relationship and do you really want to keep doing it?
If you can stop looking at his messages then he might feel more trusted and not get so defensive it could help to stop some of the arguments you've been having.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhe has already told me i question everything and that i assume to much onto what i "think" he is doing or would do. that i am too persistant and esculate situations. he also said that we need to difuse the situations before it gets any worst that enough is enough, i need to learn to trust him because that seems to be the overall problem. and that he is tired of my sh*t and doesnt want to hear it nemore. that i am acting childish and weak. that i need to soak it up and stop wondering because these fights are going to break us and that when i am really going to hurt and wonder what happen and be upset with how i handled situations. he has already told me he thinks im crazy LOL... how can I rectify his feelings and make him not feel this way about me nemore? or is there no way of accomplishing this?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank You for your response! I definately know where you are coming and you are correct. I truely do love him. He is my first love and I really dont want to loose him. I know i am wrong for going through his things, it just sometimes becomes addicting, sad to say. I just hope that I havent done too much and fought with him too much already that it is beyond saving. I dont want to push him so far that he starts to think hey i might as well since she thinks i am doing it already. n i think im dangerously near that line :-(
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A
female
reader, Faybelline +, writes (9 October 2008):
Ok, so maybe he was in the wrong with some of the texts he sent to the girls but I think the thing here is that if you don't trust him then you're going to push him away.Going through his phone and his emails is very extreme and; even if I weren't sending anything out of order, if my boyfriend started going through my things then I would delete stuff too. I want to feel trusted and like I can text and email who I like without worrying about it.I think the fact that he has text this last girl and said you had a problem with it proves that he wants to be with you and loves you and you say yourself she must have known about you.You need to give him some space; if he's gonna cheat he's gonna cheat and you can't stop that but constantly going through his messages and having a go is gonna push him away make him feel like you really don't trust him at all and eventually he might just get sick of this and actually go further than a few texts with one of these girls.You're obviously insecure about this and I think you need to realise that if he's the kind of guy that would go behind your back then no amount of nagging will stop him and you don't want tobe with someone like that anyway. Good Luck :)
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