A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I have a few questions, so hopefully I can put them all in one message.First off, we have only been married for less than a year and we have been fighting ever since we got married. My husband acts like a child, I have to tell him when to do EVERYTHING. He does NOTHING nice for me anymore and frankly never even thinks of me when making any decisions. He always says "I" and not "WE when talking about future plans.Now he is young so I give him a little leeway, but really can that be the excuse for everything??? He is the type of guy that uses PAST things to throw in the argument about something he did wrong NOW. I feel like I have 2 kids, but I really only have 1. I am so confused about this relationship because I have NEVER had to deal with such childish issues in past relationships.For example: We were in an argument and actually came up to the room to SEPARATE his dirty socks out of the hamper because they were touching mine. HA! I mean really!He doesn't fight fair and most of the time it doesnt even make sense what he is arguing back at me about. He yells at me to get a job here (we just relocated), but yet I'm the one that was supposed to bring him to work, therefore couldn't get a job until I knew his hours. He is getting a ride to work from another person now and I am going on interviews. I feel so separated in this house. I have a 3 yr old that gets to see half of the crap we go through. I try not to let him see though.My husband is 6 years younger than I am and never had his own place in his life.He doesnt clean up after himself ever and I have to tell him numerous times to do anything.Oh did I mention he is addicted to porn?? I have told him 7 times that I will leave him the next time, and now it keeps happening. He signs up for websites that you don't have to pay for, then he gets to look at it without being on the lookup history.I don't really trust him anymore and he keeps telling me he hates me during a fight, then the next morning acts like nothing happened and we're all good again.The problem is that I relocated with my child for him, and now what should I do? Do I stay or go?
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male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (12 August 2008):
 Hi,
I guess it depends whether deep down you still truly love him. If you do, it is worth trying to salvage the relationship , the arguments dont sound violent just petty. Morevoer, he sounds like a Mummy's boy, someone who has always had his mummy cleaning up after him.
But if you dont love him anymore the relationship is most likely doomed.
Why don't you take a break for a week or two. Are you able to go see a close relative or friend?.. often a break will help you both reassess where the relationship is and if there is a future. You can tell him you are taking a break because you think your relationship is under threat and this will give him some time to reflect on whether he can be a husband and father instead of a petulant jerk.
If you go away and come back to a house that looks like a garbage dump and he has the same attitude, then you know where you stand. If he makes some sort of effort then you may just be able to salvage the relationship.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, Fairy Godmother  +, writes (11 August 2008):
 I think you owe it to yourself, your husband and your children to try and sort these issues out properly before you make a decision about whether to leave.
It's easy to clock up a long mental list of everything a husband/partner does or doesn't do but it's not always helpful or constructive, and just makes you feel resentful. In the end the resentment turns into arguments and silly tantrums that you would both obviously rather avoid, especially as there are children around.
Try and break down your issues into more manageable chunks: you have to tell him to do everything, he doesn't do anything nice for you anymore, he's messy, addicted to porn etc. Now think about how you could resolve each one (together) and don't expect it to happen overnight.
I've learned the hard way that you generally do have to tell/remind men to do things, so perhaps this is one issue that will never be resolved to your satisfaction. Often men are messy, especially when there is somewhere there (i.e. you) to tidy up after them. That isn't acceptable though and you need to speak to him about this.
Threatening to leave someone 7 times because they use porn is an empty threat that solves nothing. If you felt better about yourself and he did nice things for you and thought about you a bit more, no doubt you would feel closer and he would have less need for porn. Can you remind him of some of the nice things he used to do for you and tell him "I really liked it when you did...". What about doing something special for him too?
It sounds as though you need to recapture the lost romance, which has been lost in domesticity. It will take time and patience. I hope you will give it a go and good luck to you.
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A
female
reader, superrrshawna +, writes (11 August 2008):
 i think it would be worse for your child and you to stay with this man, so i suggest you leave. it doesn't sound like you both are very happy at all in this relationship.
if you don't want to divorce, suggest a separation. maybe when he is alone in his own place with a lot of time on his hands he will grow up and realize his faults and what it will take to keep you and your child.
in the meantime, do you have family or friends you can stay with?
good luck!
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