| A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: For the past 3.5 years after college graduation, I've visited my college friends 1-2 times a year which costs me a $250+ round-trip flight every time. To be honest, friends have been a rare thing in my life, so I'm glad to call these two my closest friends. It's just for a few days, but it means everything to me. They love when I come by, and we have fun hanging out. However, we don't really socialize much outside that. We catch up with each other sometimes, but that's really it. Some have made a point to me that I should really just drop the act, and make some friends here. There's nothing for me here, and I'm financially bounded to living at home for the time being. I rarely ever have friends, so yes, maybe I am clinging to these ones. I hate losing people in my life. I dealt with that too much growing up as a military brat. I don't know. I love visiting my friends, but am I really going too much out of my way just to hang out with my friends once or twice a year? I know I won't be able to do this forever, but I'm taking all the chances I have for the time being.
View related questions:
living at home, military Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2014): It sounds like you possibly feel that, because you were shunted around a lot as a kid and couldn't easily sustain friendships, there was somehow a feeling that you didn't deserve them. As kids we tend to feel things like this and blame ourselves - it doesn't matter what the logical analysis is, as kids we internalise feelings and come up with our own 'logic'.From there-on, you have maybe developed a bit of a self-punishing approach? If your Dad was in the military then I image - maybe I'm wrong - that it wouldn't have been the easiest family environment for you to express your feelings and especially your desires, including for pleasure and including pleasure with friends? Even if that was not the case then just being in a situation of not being able to sustain friendships could, later on in life, cause you to 'punish' yourself for sustaining them because you will somehow, inside, feel like you don't deserve them and are doing something 'wrong' by keeping them.Added to that, if you don't have any other friends then there will be a temptation to 'go for the max' and prove yourself as a man, by having NO friends at all - it really is a bit of a macho way of thinking. You seem to be worried that you will be seen as weak for sustaining any friendships and are tempted to prove that you don't need them and to 'man' up. Men honestly do get into the silliest situations trying to 'prove' themselves as men and this is kind of one of them. You are fully entitled to these friendships, but maybe the difficulty for you is in feeling and believing that you are entitled. I think it makes sense to try to make MORE, even very casual, friendships just to get yourself used to the idea that you need and DESERVE friends. It's a bit like learning to swim, or to do something for the first time that you've got to learn, over a period of time, how to do. And maybe the best way to tackle it is to do exactly that - learn a new skill or hobby that doesn't cost you much and won't take up too much time and make sure you start with others who are learning as well, so that you are all in the same boat. You will 'learn' friendships as you go along, just be patient with yourself but don't let yourself 'of the hook' either - you will be going out of your comfort zone just enough to allow yourself to grow and the temptation will be to retreat back again and again. The new friendships won't be the same as the ones you already have - they will be very different, and that's just normal and fine - most people have a bit of a range of friendships, even if they only have a few friends overall. I think learning to understand your 'range' and to create friendships accordingly, is the next step for you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2014): WiseOwlE is right. Today we live in such a disposable culture and friendships are becoming increasingly superficial. I think what you have sounds so lovely and I'd strongly suggest that you trust your feelings more about wanting to keep this friendship. The amount of money you describe is actually very little indeed compared with what some people spend just having coffee and a cake with loads of acquaintances, or drinks with acquaintances, over the course of a year - but without any meaningful bond.
Stay with this friendship, yes.
But maybe the reason you feel a bit insecure about it is that you do actually need a couple more 'lighter' friendships near where you are. Could you do an afternoon of voluntary work where you'd do something as a team? Maybe clearing waste-land to make it lovely, or helping kids? I really think you'd benefit just from a few hours of doing something like that. If there's nothing for you where you are, then maybe there's nothing for a lot of people where you are...and maybe the point is to 'make something', even a little thing, that's nice for all.
Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 June 2014):
 If you can afford it, I don't see the problem. As long as you aren't skipping meals or shutting your heating off or going through unnecessary hardships to get yourself this pleasure, then why not ?
There's people that spends as much on booze in a weekend, or on one horse race bet. A fancy BRA, say La Perla or something, may cost you that much. And regular people, not just socialites a la Paris Hilton, buys them because once a year they want to pamper themselves with something special.
Investing 500 $ a year in your pursuits and hobbies is far from unheard off, it's about 40 $ a month. Your hobby is ... visiting your friends. If you feel like doing it , and it gives you joy, and it gives them joy,- how's that going out of your way ?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2014): Maintaining loyalty to people you care about; and getting a change of scenery is good for you.
Friends are friends, next door or a flight away. It's the quality of the friendship, not the quantity of friends. If there are only but one or two, they're your very best. Perhaps that may change over-time; but it hasn't yet.
If you value those people in your life, don't feel you're going out of your way. You get fulfillment out of seeing them and spending time with them. The smiles and laughs they give you make you feel welcome. You also get out of your hometown for a breather. You can't be lazy and complacent. You have an excuse to getaway and have some fun for a few days. It's worth ever penny.
Let's put it this way. How do you feel on your flight back home?
If your heart is full of joy, there's a smile on your face, and the memories are good...it was worth it, and the right thing to do. Even if it be but only once or twice a year.
It's your personal-tradition.
...............................
|
