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male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I am in my early thirties. My girlfriend is in her late twenties. She is my first real girlfriend. Sad I know but I just hadn't been in the right places at the right time to meet that somebody special until last year. Basically I am not exactly Mr charming and definitely not the one that most girls gravitate to for sex.She tells me that she has had about 5 sexual partners previously. Not a huge number by today's standards I don't think. The thing that is really bothering me is that she is my first (I gave my virginity to her). She was shocked when she found out (she never suspected even after the first few times we slept together). I am not sure what I am feeling... Perhaps I am jealous of her past partners? or Perhaps I am jealous of her that she has 'played around' at least so has some past experience to speak of and compare with. I don't have this!I didn't really start thinking about this too much until she told me that she was concerned that she was my first and that she feared that I maybe tempted to play around a bit more or even cheat on her if given the opportunity or temptation.Thing is we have been going out a little while now and I think things have been going well otherwise. We are both near the age where we are expected to start thinking about settling down... But am I ready or do I need to go away and have more sexual partners? But I will probably loose this girl forever if I chose to end the relationship and go in search of sexual experience with more partners.I definitely do not want to end up cheating on this girl several years down the line when we are married. It would really hurt her if I only decided then that I needed to 'play' a bit more. I don't want to hurt her.I don't know if there is an answer and I don't even know the exact question but I am being frustrated by this... Don't know what to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2011): Hi there,
I was in the same state of mind as you. Pretty much the same things as you & the situation was exactly the same. I realised it doesn't matter how many people you've slept with. If anything your the lucky one who found love first off. As someone else said if you do "play the field chances are you won't enjoy it as much as your expecting & will regret it. Just live in the moment. My partner has slept with 5 other & for myself he is my first. I was told I should experiment to see whats out there cause i'm young (22) and haven't experienced life. But i'm happy & why ruin it for the "what if"..
Have a read through this article & the replies. Same sort of thing with good advice.
http://www.datingish.com/708102945/should-you-experiment-before-settling-down/
Don't give in to curiosity which could wreck something good. =)
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2011): Thank you for all the comments and opinions so far.I definitely care a lot for my girlfriend and would definitely not want to cheat on her or hurt her in anyway like that (she has been cheated on before and even had one physically abusive relationship). IF I decide that I need to get more experience sexually with other girls I understand that the correct thing to do is to let my girlfriend know that this is what I need to do. I will have to let her go and risk never finding anybody as great as her ever again. We have spoken about this issue together once before - in fact it was her that brought it up as she knew of my inexperience. She has been concerned that she may have met me at the wrong time in my life / experience. Ever since then this whole thing has been playing on my mind whenever I have any free time to think.To those who have commented about needing to work on sexually pleasing her - that is not the problem. She seems to enjoy sex with me and I am able to get her 'there' pretty much every time.My problem I think is one of pyschology. Perhaps it's a numbers thing? I think that if she had only been with one or two other guys before then I might be more OK with that. But for some reason five seems a bit much to me as somebidy who has never been with anybody else. Also she has been with a much older previously (he was 40 and divorced and she was 27/28) and for some reason that really gets me too. There is no reason or logic to any of this - it is just how I feel. Perhaps I feel like she and I are not on an even playing field. I really don't know!Perhaps I am jealous or just too insecure. I know I can talk to my girlfriend about most things but this topic will just upset her and make her feel bad as it is not something that she can not do anything about or change as those are the choices she made in the past and it is just the way it is. When we have discussed this previously it has just ended with her eyes filling up with tears as she knows that if I can't deal with it eventually then that would be the end for us.Haven't seen any definitive / convincing answer on this forum so far but I would like to really say thank you to everyone who has contributed.I really care about this girl a lot. I want her to find the best possible life partner for herself whether that would be me or somebody else. She is approaching 30 now and I understand that for a woman this can be significant and I don't want to waste her time and her youth if she is not the one for me. I need to decide one way or another very soon. Now I need to go away and do a lot of thinking and soul searching before I decide whether to continue with this relationship or to let it go so she can go and find somebody who does not have these issues (and who will love her and treat her well like she deserves).
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2011): SO MANY PEOPLE commenting on past sexual things do not understand. That there can be a huge moral dimension to it beyond just petty jealousy. Differing sexual histories between partners are bad for compatibility. It may not be a deal breaker for everyone but it's a real legitimate issue and it deserves to be treated like one.
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (5 March 2011):
"Perhaps I am jealous of her past partners?"Yes."or Perhaps I am jealous of her that she has 'played around'"That too."do I need to go away and have more sexual partners?"You're the one who gives an answer that question. If you are asking what would I recommend to you as a general answer. I would tell you that being a virgin until 30 speaks about someone who thinks sex is something private and special. Not every person thinks like this. And going to fool around and have sex randomly is something I guess you don't approve really. I can tell you that time won't make you forget what you think about your girlfriend now. But, of course, within a couple of years you won't feel like you do now. You have to separate waters. You have both a moral conflict and jealousy here. Jealousy will go away eventually. The moral conflict will be there for ever. So you better face that now to give it a closure.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2011): Hey pal!When pasts are disclosed, usually its best before feelings are developed so no feelings of jealousy could come about. Its okay... all you need is reassurance from her that she is satisfied by you. I think you feel the need to go be with others cause you lack sexual experience. Dont fool yourself man... if your heart is in this woman which I think it is, you will not fail at pleasing her sexually. Get feedback from her in the bedroom.. like ask questions "You like that?"... "want it more?"... "how about this?" lol... communicate man, thats key for your relationship, especially in that bedroom. Good luck on this and proud of you for holding out. F*** society norms, you do whats best for yourself and dont be ashamed. Best to you buddy.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2011): You probably wouldn't be feeling the need to play if you were with a woman who had not done plenty of playing herself already. And therein lies the problem, you are not compatible with her in this way. The past IS relevant to the present and different sexual histories usually mean compatibility problems. This viewpoint isn't popular or politically correct, it's just the truth.
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A
female
reader, bernergirl  +, writes (5 March 2011):
 Oh I hope you don't hate me for what I am about to say however, I believe if you are asking this question looks as if you are trying to give yourself an out if need be. I don't think you're quite ready to settle down until you are comfortable with the outcome of your actions. I am not suggesting you break up with your girlfriend or cheat on her but I believe you should just take another 6 months and really see if this is something you want. In my experience....you should never doubt that this is the girl you want to be with. I would talk to her about it, but phrase it as if its her concern and see what she tells you. This could also be a chance to really get to know her and grow as a couple together, I want to tell you sometimes its not the number of people who matter but the fun and experiences themselves. About the cheating remark...about being concerned if you would cheat a couple years down the road...you just have to tell yourself cheating is NEVER an option. Just like theft is never an option for not having a Porshe. You'd be surprised on how much destruction that can bring to people.I hope this helps...keep me updated! Good Luck.
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A
male
reader, Mr Clark +, writes (5 March 2011):
I can understand where you're coming from because I've been in a somewhat similar situation, and I've had similar thoughts. I decided not to act on these thoughts, and I don't regret it for a second. Take some time to think about what is really important to you. Don't let insecurities and such drive your decision.My advice is that if you truly love this woman (you didn't say much in your post about how you feel about her or how she feels about you), forget about the wild oats out there. Even if your relationship with this woman somehow survived, there would always be a scar from it in the future. Perhaps it's different for other men, but in my admittedly limited experience, sex with some woman you don't really care about will not be all that enjoyable.In my estimation, you'll screw up something special in order to experience something you probably won't like very much anyway, and end up hating yourself for it. Finding someone you really care about isn't easy. Why throw it away on meaningless sex?
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (5 March 2011):
 There is no reason to leave your girlfriend right now so just work on having the best sex ever. Read the kama sutra together. Give each other sensual massages. You would know if the sex is good for both partners. Having more girls does not necessarily make you a better lover. I've had virgins who lasted more than an hour, and experienced guys who cum in 5 minutes. You don't suddenly decide you need to play when all your life you don't live that philosophy. When you decide to settle down, there is no going back, no more what ifs. Accept that she could be your first love and last love. Have your doubts but keep thoughts to yourself only.
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