A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been interested in this man for about 3 years. I never thought I would ever get a chance to talk to him because I am just way too shy. Last summer I was out with some friends and he happened to come in to the place where we were hanging out. I knew right then and there that this was my chance. So I went up to him and asked him to dance and we did. We danced a couple fast songs and I think one slow song. When the night was over he gave me his phone number and we kinda made out in the parking lot and then we went our separate ways. It was 3 days later before I actually got up enough courage to call him. We talked for about an hour just getting to know each other. He said he didn't think I was going to call and he wished he would have got my number so he could have called me! It was about a week or two later when we went on a date. At the end of our date we said good-bye and that was it; we went our separate ways. He texted me that night to let me know he was home and I apologized to him for being so quiet and shy! I was really nervous; that is why I was so quiet and I told him that. He said it was fine. Then I didn't hear from him for like 3 months. Out of the blue he texted me to see what I had been up to. And we have been texting to one another ever since. About a month and a half ago we were texting each other sexual things. He had brought up having discreet sex. I said ok. The first time we met we went parking and I gave him oral sex; that was it. The second time we met was about a week later and we pleasured each other! But what happened next is what made me so confused about how I feel about him. After we were finished our little rendezvous we were standing outside of my vehicle and out of nowhere he just came up to me and held me in his arms and squeezed me. Then I brought him back to his vehicle and he hugged me and kissed me on my forehead and said have a good night and drive safe. I have to tell you I went into this only thinking it was just discreet sex nothing else. So I went into this with my heart locked shut!! We have met up again recently and had our rendezvous and this time I felt different also. He kept holding me in his arms and squeezing me close to him as he caressed all of my body! After our rendezvous we hugged and said good-bye and went our separate ways. There are some days I won't text him just to see if he will text me and he does; he will ask what I am up to. Not all of our texting is sexual a lot of it is just normal everyday conversation! Please help me figure out how this guy is really feeling!! Like I said earlier I went into this with a locked up heart but I am starting to have real feelings for this guy!!! Could he really be interested in me as more than just discreet sex?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): Ok per your private mail to me neither of you are substance abusers, so basically you just have the attitude that having discreet sex is the thing to do.....usually when someone asks for discreet sex, that means there is someone in his life (read girlfriend) that he is cheating on and he expects you to be a willing participant and one that will stay out of his personal business and not expect anything more than sex. Those were the ground rules.
And even though your first date was dinner and a movie (my error) he did not call you for a second one. In fact he waited three months to contact you again after your one and only date and then it was by text, he didn't even have the balls or decency to speak to you on the phone first....and then he texted about sex and having sex and that has been what you have done with him.
What about this remotely makes you think this guy is interested in you and has real feelings for you, because you being a girl have feelings so he must have them too?
From the very start you have pursued him, you asked him to dance, you asked for his number, you called him, then he asked you out and then he didn't ask you out on a second or a third date....this is a bad sign! Never in my life and I am at least a decade and a half older than you are, did I ever have a boyfriend relationship or serious relationship that started with me being the one to pursue him, maybe a sexual one, but not a romantic love relationship, it just doesn't work. Some things never change, men like to pursue. They know what they want and they go after it. If they develop ,for you, you won't have to wonder and chase and agonize, they will tell you that they do and they will ask you for a relationship.
When you do all that first, he backs off and he may give in and take what you are offering, but he didn't really choose you. Your job is to be the selector, when you take that power away from yourself by pursuing a man more than he is pursuing you, you lose your walking power, meaning he is the one with all the control in the relationship and frankly he will treat you like shit! Which in my opinion is what he is doing right now and you are willingly letting him......yuck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): Are either or both of you drug users or drink heavily? Your behavior reminds me of what someone with a substance abuse problem or sexual addiction problem would behave...just checking?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): Good luck with that dinner thing, but I don't think it is going to get you a relationship.
This guy does not seem nice at all to me, he had oral sex with you in a car, that was your first date. Then he did not call you for three months.
You have mostly communicated by text message where 90% of human conversation is non verbal and impossible to gauge by text message...plus texting does not a friendship make.
The other two or three times you have been with him is sex in a car, hoooowwww romantic!
You are chasing him if you ask him over for dinner to your home....and he will be of course coming over for the sex and possibly a free meal.
He will feel pressured by you bringing up the relationship talk first and asking him those pointed questions, it will definately turn him off no matter how he fakes it when he is with you.
If you want something more, then don't invite him any where, call him up on the phone or meet him for coffee not for sex and state your case and then walk away. Let him think about it, respond to you and pursue you. Then don't accept any invitations you get unless he invests some money in you and takes you out on a date.
My guess is he is already in a relationship and he is meeting you for sex, period....and he likes you for doing that for some reason, gee I wonder?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank-you everyone for your answers! I am going to ask him over for dinner and have a nice heart to heart chat with him. It is driving me crazy not knowing if he has real feelings for me or if I am just a fling to him! I will keep you posted on what happens next!!! Again thsnk-you!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): Tell him;I'd like it if you'd come over to my place to talk,over for dinner,then give him a time. When he arives have everything ready. When your eating say,I was wondering if you would like to be more than what we have. This has been a fling,but you have hugged me and text me a lot so have I and I wont more than this,I wont a relationship if thats ok with you.Then say,I need your imput b/c I have developed feelings for you and I think I wont more to come from this.Then ask the qoestion,Would you like a relationship with me?He seems like a nice guy that would wont a relationship with you,he text you a lot and he gives you random hugs that implys effection tords you.He wonts more try not to be shy,force your self to think of stuff to say then speak.At times I can be shy to but I push my self into social settings,so I get used to talking to people,and become comfortable in large groups of people.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2009): DEar so and so, I have decided I don't want to continue a strictly sex for sport relationship with you or with any one else, sorry. I would be interested in getting to know you and perhaps going out on some proper dates with you, what do you think?
And then either walk away or wait for an answer, and don't be surprised if he trys to talk you into keeping it status quo. If he does that, shake his hand and say, it was fun, nice knowing you, goodbye!
And then if you want a relationship start out getting to know someone and demanding their respect right from the start.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I was hoping a relationship would form out of this whole thing! I would love to ask him if this could be more than just a fling but I don't know how to go about it! I am very shy when it comes to talking to a man about taking things to the next level. Any ideas?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2009): I disagree that this guy wants a relationship. In fact I think he must already be in a relationship, either married or living with someone....he has always only met you in parking lots and cars for sex.....he's using you and you are using him.
Problem is we women are hard-wired to hormonally, emotionally bond with the men we have sex with. Men on the other hand are not, they can go home and not think about you till the next time they are thinking about sex with you. So what he kissed you on the forehead and caressed your entire body, he had sex with you and wants to show you some affection so you will keep this up.
If you want something more, you should have started out building a relationship first and then had sex when the relationship was determined to be mutual and when you felt emotionally and mentally bonded. Right now you have a very shakey foundation for a relationship.
If you want a relationship, I recommend telling him so and being honest with yourself and with him, and you might suggest he ask you out on a proper date and that you will not be having sex of any kind with him for awhile because you would like to get to know him as a friend first. Probably you won't do that because you seem to be very insecure, thus the apologies for being quiet and shy and that you thought you would never have a chance with this guy....It is sad to me that you thought you had to start out by giving him oral sex to "get him" it actually makes me sick to think that women do that sort of thing, it is demeaning to do that with a guy you aren't in a relationship with, but I guess we have Bill Clinton for turning that on it's ear.....but that is another subject.
But I would not be surprised if you don't get what you want from this guy, he can't respect you very much.....and he went months not contacting you....he just doesn't sound that interested in anything but the discreet sex and cheating on his "real" girlfriend.....let me know if I am right, I hope not, but I have a pretty good feeling on this one...sorry.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2009): I think he wants more of a relationship,and you should just go for it.Ask him on more dates,maybe at a coffee shop b/c its more of a talking enviornment.At the beginning of this you wonted a relationship with him, right.You should text him and ask if he wonts more than just a fling b/c it feels like its evolving to a relationship.Both of you guys are texting eachother more and more,and its formed to a relationship.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (10 March 2009):
 Can't be sure.
I have a warning for you, however. I hate to be the messenger of bad news, but I think he could tell you whether his intentions have changed. And I wonder why he insists in "discreet sex". What does he mean by "discreet"? Does he mean you can't tell anyone about it? Sometimes, when a man asks for "discreet" sex, meaning "no one can know", that means "there's someone who must not know about this".
It seems you have feelings for this man. If you want more than what you have, ask him, without anesthesia. Let him speak his mind at once.
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