A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I am trying to figure out if I am paranoid or if my wife might be cheating on me. We have been married 12 years and have two young children. We recently relocated for her job and I quit mine to stay home with the children.She has lost a good deal of weight, bought new clothes and taken up drinking (not to excess, but more then she ever has) Her job makes her work long hours, but it is most certainly effecting our relationship as I don't see her much. After we moved she was at first more affectionate and much more physical then she has ever been. Then in the last two months, it has been the complete opposite. Almost cold and detached. She has taken a couple of trips for work where she forgets to call or text to say good night to the kids and is real vague about details. And today, she accidentally left her inbox open on the laptop and I saw an email come across from a male that "saw this song, and it made me think of you. It is very spiritual." I couldn't read the rest as it was a preview. What male coworker sends that email? Maybe I'm nuts, but I am sick. Should I just ask her about the email or will it seem like I'm snooping? I hope I'm wrong, but I'm driving myself nuts. Thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): sorry OP, she is still having sex with this man.
why are u being her doormat. why are you allowing her to walk all over you. where is your pride, for goodness sake?
she is not in this marriage and has not been for a long time now. you know that, she has admitted it.
so what now? you go through hell and try to "change" for her, while she is out f@cking her lover?? can u see how insane this is.
she doesnt want to end her affair, she will not and u know it.
where to from here. i advised u to get a job and stop being dependant on her. perhaps u need to look at this realistically.
if u dont be careful you may end up being viewed as a wimp with no backbone. surely u can talk to someone about what u are going through. she is abusing you. and it is time you got some help against her.
LoveGirl
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2010): UPDATE FROM ORIGINAL POSTER:
Well I asked, she said the email was out of context and assured there was nothing to worry about. WRONG! First off the song talks about how great another person makes you feel and being born again in them.
Anyway, I got nosey, and snooped. Found more emails that were even more damning. "You melt my heart" from him to her, "My new favorite song, it isn't pretentious, just like us" from her to him and so on. There are other song and flirty emails I found that go back to the summer right after we moved.
A kiss in Toronto they shared came out, but nothing else she says.
She then says, this is not the issue but that she is unhappy with me and feels nothing for me. What? I was shopping for a birthday gift for her while she was sending these emails. I had no idea. All my faults were brought out and many of them true, but why this? She feels no guilt or shame and says she did nothing wrong.
I agreed to seek help for my issues, sent up marriage therapy sessions. She says if it wasn't for the kids she would be gone. She doesn't know if she ever loved me at all. I thought everything was cool.
Am I fool to think she really ended it with this other man and wants to make it work even if it is only for the children? This is misery.
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A
female
reader, anonymous999  +, writes (3 December 2010):
I would say yes... Sorry but went through the same..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2010): She has lost a good deal of weight, bought new clothes and taken up drinking (not to excess, but more then she ever has) – She may be looking for some attention out of the marital bed. She is feeling good, losing the extra weight. She is getting compliments. Perhaps even some flirting. Some innocent some not!
Her job makes her work long hours – do u keep in touch during he long hours. Flirty emails, sms, phone calls.
.....more affectionate and much more physical then she has ever been. Then in the last two months, it has been the complete opposite. Almost cold and detached. – WHY? What has happened to make her so immune to you? If she is not getting sex from you then who is she getting it from?
She has taken a couple of trips for work where she forgets to call or text to say good night to the kids and is real vague about details. – what is she hiding. A mother who takes over nights trips who forgets to call her kids at home? She is secretive about her trips as well. not good. Not good at all!!
And today, she accidentally left her inbox open on the laptop and I saw an email come across from a male." – so there is a very special friend at work. What more is he to her?
Lastly: “We recently relocated for her job and I quit mine to stay home with the children. “ are you dependant on her for finances. I think your wife is enjoying being the breadwinner. With this she may feel that she is allowed to do whatever she may want.
I want to make a bold suggestion: get a job. Get out there in the real world. Right now you are being emasculated and your wife seems to be getting up to on good. You need to start earning your own money and SHOW her that you are independant and that you can pull your own weight as well. put your kids in a crèche/aftercare . they will be ok. Your wife is taking advantage of you; you are a mere househusband and you need to make some changes for yourself.
Worse case scenario: your wife is having an affair. What do you do for finances? Take charge of your life OP. Dont be her fool any longer. everything points to her doing the dirty with perhaps awork colleague.
If you confront her she will deny it. but you need to be strong and firm and be insistent. heavy workload or not, your wife is up to something. watch those overnight trips and long hours. do some snooping and dont feel guilty.
LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2010): Tell her how much you love and appreciate her and value the trust you have with each other. Tell her that it's silly she doesn't know your passwords for email or phone and give her yours because you want to be closer. Then at that point she should give you hers if she has nothing to hide. If she refuses then I would monitor her closely because chances are might be hiding something. Don't push the issue but remind her why you love her. Hopefully whatever is on her mind will go away if youre right there at her side.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2010): The combination of things certainly point to her cheating. Ask her straight out if she is cheating and then if she denies it tell her you are suspicious and you intend on looking into it further. As her husband you have a right to snoop.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2010): I would ask her about that, or just observe some more, from being in a relationship myself where her lies and cheating was commonplace, i know that this can mean more and how cold women can be !!!
Dont jump to conclusions, but be vigilant, and never forget or let yourself think what YOU wanna think, cause you could get hurt.
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A
female
reader, christyyyf  +, writes (30 November 2010):
 I work long hours and it is very stressful at times and honestly when I get home after a long day I want nothing more than to shower and go to bed. I have a significant other and I can't really say much about because I am not happy with him right now.. so my actions towards him are distant.
But besides that she could just be really exhausted and tired. I would ask her about work. Try making a nice dinner for her when she comes home. Communication is VERY important!
Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, Longhornfan81 +, writes (30 November 2010):
You should just ask her. Be direct and safe yourself from all the crazy thoughts. By her reaction, you will know if she is being truthful.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2010): It sounds like she may be cheating. usually women cheat because they are not happy with their relationship. Since your relationship changed and she has lost weight and she got a txt from another man and she was turned on regualrly for some time and went cold, she was turned on fantasing about this man and herself and then when she started sleeping with him, her fantasy was no longer needed hence the cold behavior. But it was not her intention to begin an affiar. It started because she may have lost respect for the relationship you have together. If she complained about any specific things in the past and now doesnt care anymore. She may feel remorse for the affair. If you let her have her secret, or if you forgive her you could get past it and begin the relationship you once had again. Listen to her when she complains and tell her how lucky you are to have her. Its not natural for a woman to cheat, especially once she has children with you. Something drove her to the arms of another. Once you reolve the issue, try to build the trust again and never ever mention the affiar or throw it back in her face in future arguements. Happy Wife, Happy life. Good luck
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A
female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (30 November 2010):
 Annalisa's suggestion of dinner is a good one! It does all sound suspicious and I totally understand you feeling this way. The key to finding out exactly what is going on is by remaining calm and not becoming paranoid. Easy for me to say I know but make it your mantra to help you deal with your feelings. All the best my friend I hope it all works out for you.
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A
female
reader, almc +, writes (30 November 2010):
Yes ask her, if she is not hiding anything this wouldn't make her mad, I leave my emails, and fb, myspace open all the time and my bf can look or not. Its just a question. Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2010): I wouldn't ask her about the email. It could have been anything. If she has lost weight and the like maybe she is just happier about life for whatever reason. Maybe she really likes her new job.
Maybe you have too much time on your hands now so you are noticing things you never noticed before. That's possible too.
Have you considered working again and in the meantime hiring a nanny to care for the kids? Keeping yourself busy and productive, working and doing things you like might make you happier too. And in her eyes, that might make you even more attractive. Something to think about.
You could casually bring up that you would like to see more of her or be more affectionate with her. But instead of giving her a hard time about her lack of affection, just make it appealing to her. Hire a babysitter and set up a night where you both can hang together. Dinner or something where you both can relax and TALK, catch up, have fun. See how that goes.
I can't be sure she is cheating. There is not enough information to assume that. It does however seem like perhaps you both are at incompatible stages in your life. She is out working. At work she is meeting people, actively engaged in social dynamics. She is getting ahead in her career. Making money. She has alot to feel good about and it shows. These are very rewarding things in any person's life. And you are at home taking care of the kids. While kids are also rewarding too, often stay at home parents miss out on alot of things that are essential to a person's happiness. You are more limited in what you can do. You are probably not as socially active. You are not getting the same rewards you could get at work...money, raises, promotions, social interaction, social networks, friends, coworkers, christmas parties etc. I mean what do you guys even have to talk about when she gets home from work? She might be talking about figures and business trips. And you have to tell her about diapers and potty training.
I think you guys are just a bit polarized. I think you should consider getting a job again.
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