A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I started our relationship nearly 10 years ago and we've been married for a year and a half. We split up for about 4 years in the middle of this because he started seeing a female colleague of his and like an idiot, I was the last person to know. This was at a time in my life when I felt extremely low in myself and stressed as a member of my immediate family was diagnosed with a serious illness, on top of having recently moved country. Apparently my husband, then my boyfriend, had persued this girl really intensely and had convinced her that I was just 'a friend' while telling me the same thing about her. We got back together after a four year split, which I now think we should never have done. I've begun to notice the same kind of behaviour in him recently as when he was seeing the other girl and last night I checked his mobile. Sure enough there was a text from another girl who used to work with him saying that she would 'love to meet up with him'. I confronted him about his, asked him why he was secretly texting another woman and asking to meet up with her. He got really angry and said it was because I was always paranoid and can't take it when he wants to be friends with girls. He says I'm stopping him from making friends because of my paranoia. Prior to the first incident, I trused him implicitly - that's why I got hurt so bad. I don't know if my suspicions are justified or whether I really need help with this paranoia.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2007): Your suspicions are completely justified. He's just mad because he got caught and feels like you spoiled his date. I don't know what to tell you. I think it is pretty clear that he did not have good intentions. I think it is despicable that your husband treats you this way and oversteps these marital boundaries. You make a good point that you should have never forgiven him the first time he did it. But what's done is done. You say that you suspect he chased a girl the first time because you were feeling extremely low. But a guy who really loves you sticks with you through your highs and your lows. So that is no excuse and you have come to find out that that is not the real reason why he cheated on you. He cheats on you because he is a cheater. Has nothing to do with you. You can keep being paranoid and suspicious and hurt all you want or just say "To hell with it! Get out of my face you scum!" And move on. File for divorce. That's what I think you should do.
A
female
reader, Dawnie  +, writes (22 December 2007):
 Yes i agree with rcn,why get angry if he has nothing to hide. As this has happened before i would say you are right to be suspicious,i would walk away as at the moment you have no commitments (i.e.) kids with him, and find someone worthy of your love. I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2007): He is guilty and I agree the angry response says it all - in other words he is deflecting the focus back to you and blaming YOU for being paranoid. Clever little idea but unfortunately you can see right through it. I wouldn't trust him. You can buy devices now (its a kind of spy thing that you can buy on the internet) which you can attach to a mobile phone and see the last 30 or so deleted texts. There is a similar thing for emails. I suggest you stay as calm as you possibly can so that you don't drive his behaviour underground but then really really see if you can catch him out. There is a saying that leopards don't change their spots. I don't think he has changed - when you took him back he thinks you're easy to fool so is doing it again. What a cheat. Another alternative is to set a honey trap.... get a different sim card for yourself and pretend to be one of the women at work and see if he falls for it. Do these things for your own satisfaction but ultimately you have to conclude you don't trust him for a reason. I would act on it. He's not good enough for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2007): This is one of the reasons people say 'never go back to an ex' and that 'they are an ex for a reason'. I never really understood that until I read your post.Its such a shame that the man you love is treating you like this. I reckon you need to let him go and take control of your life back. Your husband sounds guilty and it sound as though history is repeating itself..but worse!You have to decide if you'd like to continue to try to make your marriage work in the knowledge that he WILL ALWAYS be unfaithful, disloyal and betray you. Ask yourself what you want and need from him and a relationship and decide to either stay or make a change.The last time he left as he had the upper hand and started to see the work collegue...for four years... and then when it was over and the cake was finished. He went back to you for the desert. Now the desert has finished it is as though he still aint sattisfied and wants more cake. I reckon you should take the control back. Get the answers you need and then let him go. He obviously aint right for you. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (22 December 2007):
 Suspicions generally are correct. What confirms it is anger when confronted. If there really was not truth to the accusation, there would be no reason to get angry over it.
If it was an OK meeting, innocent, work related or assisting a friend with a problem. It would be normal actions to say "this girl I know, who's a friend, text me and has some issues she wanted me to meet with her and talk about."
The problem that draws suspicion is not the text its self, it's hiding it and not being truthful that causes it.
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