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male
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anonymous
writes: my wife has been working overtime and claims to get comp time but she uses her vacation time. she is working overtime again (she really is) said it was going to be time and a half not showing on check. in january she recieved a phone call letting her know that her husband will be recieving some info about her an another co-worker. i got that phone call and then a letter in mail. it has caused lots of problems but we worked through them until recently i had noticed way to many signs indicating she wasn't being true. she never washes laundry during middle of week but on a day we both were on the same road driving only i did not see her and i turned south while she went west. an hr. later she came in mad thinking i followed her then she realized i had no idea what she was talikng about and apologized. she said she had to go pee and stayed in longer than usual. when she came out she asked me to go to store. i came back she was doing laundry which included her underwear. gut feeling kicked inapprx 3 weeks ago i gathered my laundry on friday night when i noticed her underwear had (3) major stainsand to top it off she only wears one a day during the 5 day week but there were 8 pair . i asked her and she came unglued. i actually kept and have sent them off but told her i threw them away. she laid in bed with arms folded and very silent. i gave her back one pair but cut a very small piece out to send back. we argued and made up but i came home early and she was half way moved outwhen she had told me she was at wal-mart. i let her go and later noticed the piece i cut out and the envelope were gone. one other thing when i recieved the phone call i had kept it on voice mail and she erased it but denied it. i had already put a recorder on line and it took her three min to delte properlyi say she is cheating-i will wait for semen test and i know who the guy is and will get something for dna and prove it am i paranoid -her sister said i am
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (10 July 2006):
 OK. That is a lot more evidence. However, the lengths you have gone to 'test' her are extreme, and not the solution.
I can only suggest going to a therapist / councillor together to try to resolve your differences. It would be a tragedy to ruin 30 years of marriage based on a misunderstanding. If your wife has any interest at all in saving your marriage then she should be willing to go. Even if she is not interested, it might be worth you going by yourself just so that you can describe everything you have experienced in detail and get a trained neutral opinion on what your best options are. They may also be able to help you pursuade your wife to go to councelling with you.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2006): i am watching with interst and appreciate the responses i failed to mention i did use checkmate and felt a lab was the better way to confirm . as for being delusionaly jealous i have no idea who i am being jealous of. yes our marraige is in serious trouble and it was i who suggested a therapist we have 30 yrs together so i do know my wife-nothing has materialized-as for other possible reasons for her underwear to be in such a way she has always complained she is dry because she went through menopause-i have no idea what women experience-i felt some of her behavior fell in place with infidelity-quit wearing wedding ring all of a sudden -to small-bought another matching set she didn't like it-why erase message and deny it onlt to admit i might have-i know she did-works ot but no extra money on check or didn't add up -we had sex alot 5-6 times a week only stop abrubtly-excess milage on car but she doesn't know why the odometer is off-quit using the credit cards and would use atm instead-other things that even a crazy delusional person coudn't explain my only intention is to protect myself for what will ultimately happen-i don't need any std's, and i feel my instincts are accurate i should not (nor anyone for that matter) be subjected to the trauma that accompanies this behavior i will not be humiliated but would rather leave with dignity and respect.
i know crazy or delusional or jealousy don't fit in my behavior and it was considered
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A
reader, Rainee  +, writes (9 July 2006):
 I'm surprised so many people are calling you delusional. You're not paranoid when someone/something really is out to get you, or in this case, cheating on you.
If you indeed /did/ get a phone call and letter from outside person(s) (if you sent them to yourself, it doesn't count) saying she's cheating with a co-worker, and coupled with your own experiences, it certainly seems like she could be cheating, but you need proof... you have sent some of her stained panties off for semen testing? That could give you proof - it's true women usually take off their underwear during sex (you /can/ just push them aside, after all, if the situation is not condusive to outright stripping) but if she put her panties back on, semen and her own vaginal fluids can/will be secreted onto them (or in the case of condoms, lubricant).
Though, honestly, if you have the means the send off panties for testing, why don't you hire a private investigator? They're generally experienced in such things.
Anyways, cheating or not, your marriage is on shakey ground. Counseling is a suggestion as there doesn't seem to be a lot of trust between the two of you (if she went nutters thinking you followed her, she's not very trusting of you, either). Trust is an important part of marriage, and you, sir, do not have it (whether or not it's justified).
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2006): why would her underwear show semen stains, when they would have been off during the act. the vagina is a self-cleansing organ and discharge occurs daily, in various amounts depending on which part of the month it is. you, my friend, are in serious trouble. the minute you licked the envelope and sent it off to the lab your marriage was over. hopefully you have the courage to address your demons in a healthy way...which at this late stage in the game, may or may not include doing so with the support of your wife. good luck.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (9 July 2006):
 This is not about paranoia...it is impossible to tell if she is cheating or not (and lab tests are inconclusive sometimes!). There are many health-related innocent explanations for her underwear soap opera and there are not so innocent explanations. Whatever the true situation, if you feel the need to have your wife forensically tested then it is symbolic of deep trouble in your marriage. If this marriage can be salvaged then you need marital counselling quickly to get the communication back between you two - if she is unwilling to cooperate then perhaps your relationship is doomed to fail but if you have to employ such extreme measures then it surely signals that you are sailing near to the rocks regardless of whether her underwear tests positive or negative for semen stains.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (9 July 2006):
Either you are correct, or you have something called 'delusional jealousy' (also known as 'Othello syndrom', or 'morbid jealousy'). Google those terms for more information.
In delusional jealousy the effected person sees evidence for and becomes completley convinced that their partner is having an affair, when in fact they are not. You can think of it like a temporary insanity: the jealous person is having delusions around the subject of fidelity, and is imagining things and drawing false conclusions, much like someone suffering from clinical paranoia or schizophrenia.
In other words, if you are suffering from delusional jealousy, you will think you are fine, rather like a schizophrenic thinks they are fine. You don't see your own delusions as delusions. You don't know you are crazy.
Based on your description of the events, and what you have done, it sounds to me that that this could be the case. When I read your description of events I see infidelity as an unlikely conclusion. You are possibly projecting your fears onto a perfectly innocent scenario. Your behaviour: that of stealing and cutting out bits of underwear shows extreme jealousy and is not ok, whatever the situation. You have to at least be open to the possibility.
I suggest that you see a councillor / therapist and get checked up to see whether you are suffering from delusional jealousy. It is difficult to deal with, but leaving it unchecked will most likely cause your wife to leave you eventually as she tires of the accusations and scrutiny. I suggest you go as soon as possible.
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