A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I have been seeing a guy for about two months. We only see each other at a weekend if I’m not working or one night through the week. My job is travelling away so we have to juggle things around that too. We get on really well when we are together. He usually stays over at mine when do meet up. It feels more official than just dating and seeing each other and he said he’s happy the way things are progressing. He’s not very good at texting. He’s sends a few after work and that’s it. He said he’s not into texting a lot. I’m not sure if I’m overthinking but sometimes I feel it’s all going good, then other times not so sure. Does anyone else think I’m just overthinking things too much.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2022): Sounds like a guy I went out with. He was great in loads of ways and I really like him. We got on well, we had sex and cuddles and affection and he gave me loads of attention. Until he would stop mid flow texting (he would always answer though), but despite all this I knew I was being kept at arm's length. I had to finish it in the end, because although it was difficult to imagine because he was great, I came to realise that all I would ever be was what amounted to friends with benefits. As time went on, things began to hurt me more as he pulled back a bit, but gave me just enough to make me believe there was something there. There wasn't. There was only as much as he wanted there to be. Fair enough, but I had to finish it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 March 2022): Hi OP here. We get along really well when we are together. His actions are better than his words. We always go out on good dates and yes sex does happen but there’s lots of cuddles and he’s very laid back, where I am more a stresser. The only fault is with him is the texting. He will read a message and take a few hours to reply or he just stops mid flow. I always feel like I’ve done something wrong where he just doesn’t see it. I don’t want to rush into things. I do really like him but I’m not in love with him. He’s just not good at expressing his feelings. He says something nice then back tracks on it saying he means something else or he didn’t say that. He told me the other night he’s happy with the way things are going but doesn’t want to put a label on us. Thanks for all the answers.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2022): It has only been a span of a couple of months, and he admits he doesn't like to message a lot. I don't either; so I have to consider his side of it as well as yours.
This is not official. Just because you may have introduced sex early-on into your romantic-connection; and allow each-other to spend nights. It's official when you finally make that mutual-agreement.
I'll advise you like you were my own daughter. Take it or leave-it!
It's casual, with the benefit of sex, right-now. He doesn't like a lot of texting to reassure your insecurities; and it's not official at this point. You didn't say you've had sex; but you're at consensual-age, and it's the 21st-century. Abstinence is a joke these days! I only recommend holding-out, now and then; to see if things stay on-track "emotionally" when sex isn't automatically on-demand. Make sure you're not the only one getting attached. Text-messages aren't solid proof of attachment! Behavior is! Words alone are cheap and inconclusive!
I don't mean to seem flippant or nonchalant in my advice. I'll get straight to the point. Consider it outdated advice if you like. Times and technology changes; people and human nature does not!
It's very early in this romance; so all you can do is take a chill-pill, and see how it progresses.
Your schedules and work-travels are a little bit of an obstacle; but he's under no obligation to continuously message you all-day to make you feel better. You'll have to rest your confidence, and gain peace of mind, based on the quality of the time you spend together. Observe and evaluate how compatible you are. Noting his temperament, moods, and how he controls his anger. Important points to assess, HUGE! Listen to his values, political views, and note how they mesh or blend with yours. I hope neither of you are racists; or have radical political views that hate on people, due to their differences. If you do, and you both see eye to eye on it; I guess you've met your match!
Men and women have a different take on sex in a relationship. It may be consensual and continuous, but it's just sex. Sex doesn't signify commitment; but when it has meaning, it's an expression of affection. It's not a binding-agreement, or even a prelude to a committed-relationship. Commitment comes when you both sit-down, discuss your feelings and affection for each-other; and decide mutually that it's monogamous. It's official, when you're ready to announce it as such, and you're both completely on the same page about it. You didn't mention if you've met each-other's families or friends yet.
So far, you're still under your trial and probationary-period; before what's considered official and exclusive. Try not to get ahead of him, and consider if he seems to be dragging his feet. That's subjective of course, you set your own rules about that. Just be sensible and mature about it.
Don't allow sex to be the only tie that binds your relationship. You have to get to know him, let him get to know you; and see how enjoyable romance and spending time together is, even if you don't end the night having sex. You also have to make an intellectual and emotional-connection, as well as the physical. At your age, sometimes you don't know how to think that deeply; you think sex is the only way to keep a guy around, and you have to yield to your urges. It's a scientific fact, that you don't reach psychological-maturity in judgement until you're about 25! If you don't believe me, Google it!
Well, if you want it to progress into something more serious; you have to see how things go, once you get to know each-other better. Compare your likes and dislikes. There's a time factor involved in establishing an exchange of trust. Take a little time to allow yourselves to realize that sex isn't what it's really all about. If he knows sex is always on the table each and every time; you won't be much on his mind, until it's time to come over. You probably feel a little guilty, uneasy, or uncertain following sex; when you don't hear much from him when you're apart. You can't determine if he misses you?
Frequent texting and/or calls don't necessarily seal the deal, or signify that the romance is leading anywhere. Actions speak louder than words, and he has to demonstrate interest beyond calling or texting you all-day. He'll go out of his way to make time to see you; and you'll do the same. Of course, when it's feasible. Your jobs pay the bills!
If you want to know how he feels about you, ask him pointblank. Do not...repeat...DO NOT toss around the L-word!!! Love is not even in the picture in the span of only 2 months! Love at first-sight is a myth; and the concept was created for movies, novels, and greeting cards! Love is too complicated and complex to develop in the span of a few moments! But lust, on the other hand...it happens as soon as you lock eyes! If you think you're in-love; you're kidding yourself! Maybe the fantasized puppy-love version, teenagers feel!
If sex is put on-hold, and he starts to find excuses not to come over; or invites you over less. There's your answer.
I had a long-term relationship that lasted 28 years. I'm in another one now. My first partner died. It included a lot of business travel, conflicting work schedules, and times we didn't see each-other for days or weeks. We didn't even have texting when it started; and there was no such thing as cell phones, or the internet. There were computers, and there were remote phones.
You are overthinking, you just have to make the best of your time together; and don't let sex be the only reason he wants to be with you. Then you can feel at-ease, even during those times you're too busy to text each-other. If you text, and he doesn't get back to you within a reasonable amount of time; consider it a red-flag, but not a deal-breaker. If he ignores a text or calls for days; that's unacceptable, whether he likes texting or not. That can be considered a deal-breaker, even two months in!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2022): Yes, I think it's all going well so far so dont worry or overthink.
It's working out for you right now.
Not all people like a steady stream of e-love.
They just prefer the real stuff (when they see you) as the rest is meaningless to them.
Stick with it a bit and see how it goes from here!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2022): You are far too serious far too quick. Two months is not a relationship. It is the first stage of getting to know someone where it might become one. Silly to get serious at such an early stage, silly to tell them all of your thoughts, silly to make promises, silly to wait until they can fit you in and meet up and be a virgin/nun/celibate and don't meet others in between. Nowadays a lot of young women are far too quick to commit to a guy they hardly know. Then the guy realises how easy you are and takes you for granted and it all goes wrong. Lots of guys would love to meet a woman and know they can get her to come over and give them sex once a week. They would usually have to spend a lot of money on it. It's acting like a visiting call girl service.
You are far too committed and giving far too much far too quick so he will take it for granted.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2022): I'm not sure I'd call it over thinking. I'd call it wondering if this is what you want.
You have only been together a couple of months, so it sounds as if you spend a nice, regular amount of time together, like a chunk of your respective free time is spent together. And you have a nice time when you are together. All good so far, but maybe he is a bit lukewarm for you. I get it. Whilst it's good to not rush anything and good to keep your own thing going blah, blah, blah, it's also nice to feel that your new boyfriend is keen, would like to stay in contact a little more than a few perfunctory texts at the end of his working day.
I would feel that he would really be quite happy not being in touch at all until you meet up and that these few texts are almost a chore, it's what's expected of him, then he can go do other things.
I would want someone at this early stage in a relationship to WANT to have more contact. Not all evening, every evening, but be interested in how I am, what's been going on and to tell you how he is, then some fun ones, a bit of banter, whatever, so you feel like he wants to spend time with you, even when you can't be together.
I think all you can do is go with the flow and see how it progresses. I personally wouldn't be up for ASKING for more contact because if it doesn't come freely, it ain't worth having in my book.
If he is slightly aloof for you, if he isn't as keen and as much fun away from you as he is when you are together and this is not what you want, then have a think again about how good you really are together. It's tough finding the right fit, but sometimes it comes in unexpected packages, so if I were you, I would carry on until it all becomes a bit clearer. Good luck.
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