A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm dating this guy and have been for just over a month and only now realised how naive I've been and I wanted an outside advice to see if it's just me thinking this, or if I am right.I had this dream night before last and it was strange, in the dream my friend was telling me that the guy I'm dating is a red flag and to not get involved, that I needed to realise who he is. It was weird that I woke up wondering what it meant, my friend was emphasising it a lot in the dream and funny thing is my friend doesn't even know about him so it was unusual. Point is, I started thinking about it and I realised I don't actually know him, not really because he never talks much about himself. In fact, I don't feel like he wants to take a genuine interest in me either, I realised that he has hardly asked anything about me like other guys i've dated, usually they want to know what I enjoy doing, future plans, interests just the usual stuff you ask. It actually made me wonder what we've talked about all this time and if he cares about me as a person.In fact I'm actually now feeling reluctant to let myself get close to him. Because when I think about it, he makes these comments about us physically whilst we've been dating and always goes on about how hot i am, beautiful and just gets very feely most the time that I would get the impression he just wanted me sexually, I've always had in the back of my mind that he's really just wanting to sleep with me and stupidly i've ignored it because he also does these sweet and caring things that makes me think he genuinely likes me. But he's so good with his words and I've noticed he's actually manipulated my thoughts sometimes into making me do or say things I didn't actually want to.The thing is, he's a great guy and we get along so well and he's nice and caring. But after that dream, it's got me thinking so much and i've realised all of this stuff that I've ignored, or not noticed and it is red flags and making me question his intentions. Do you think this is anything to worry about? Or do you think it's just a stupid dream that has made me analyse it more than i should have? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 June 2014):
 So, maybe you DID notice these "sorta red flags" but you didn't LISTEN to your gut, because there was something that attracted you to him.
I DO think the fact that he is MORE focussed on getting you in bed then getting to know you IS a not a great sign. He is physically attracted to you (which is good) but don't seem to want to make it past the sex (which is bad).
Does it mean EVERY dream means something profound? No. I think this DREAM was you and subconscious having a conversation. I think it was your subconscious telling to PAY attention and to listen to your gut.
Now a BIG BIG FAT RED FLAG that YOU need to pay attention to is when you write:
***I've noticed he's actually manipulated my thoughts sometimes into making me do or say things I didn't actually want to.***
But then you turn around and write :
***The thing is, he's a great guy and we get along so well and he's nice and caring.***
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Sorry, a guy who MANIPULATE you is not a GREAT guy. THAT is a guy who is more focussed on GETTING his.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2014): I think you're finally listening to your common-sense.
You have noticed things about the guy that just didn't seem right consciously. You were just going along with things allowing him the benefit of the doubt; which you should; as you get to know him.
The key being, "getting to know him." The dream means nothing. Your conscious-mind and judgement were alert all along. You just weren't paying it any attention; because you were being "open-minded" in order to allow him reasonable time to avert your reservations.
It nagged at the back of your mind so much; that you finally decided to listen to your gut. You credit the dream; but it was your common-sense, and good sense of judgment that was there all along.
You have good instincts, and the things you described were good cause to reconsider continuing any further involvement.
Follow your conscious-thoughts, not the symbolism in your dream. You have to rely on your logic and good instincts to steer you from trouble, and trust your inner-wisdom.
The dream only re-emphasized what your mind had already reasonably concluded. By all indications, and in comparison to consistency of your previous experience with men; all he seems interested in is sex. He failed all the criteria you set forth for any guy. You're a smart lady!
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A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (25 June 2014):
 Hello there,
This is Mark from the UK. I hope you are well.
Dreams are odd things. They often tell us what we are subconscious thinking. There are books supposedly telling us what dreams mean and so on, but I would take those with a pinch of salt. However the fact is dreams sometimes draw our attention to things we are consciously unaware of.
Psychologists are familiar with the term "perception without awareness". Basically our subconscious mind picking up on things which we don't realize we are aware of. Ever whistled the theme for a movie only to turn on the Tv and see that that movie is on at the same time? Its usually because we have subconsciously noticed while flicking through the listings that the movie in question is on at that time. We don't know we know it because our subconscious has noticed it without us being consciously aware. That is Perception Without Awareness.
A week before my fit, health dad had heart attack out of the blue, I dreamt he had a heart attack! The night before he was taken ill I dreamt he was killed in a car crash in which I, in the dream, was in the back passenger seat. It was vivid and real. When he was ill for real I was shocked at how my dreams had "foretold" his situation. The reality is that my dad had been ill for many months before his heart attack but we had dismissed his symptoms and had other things on our plate and had consciously ignored the fact he couldn't keep his eyes open. My subconscious had picked up on it however hence the dream. The "back of my mind" had seen that my dad was getting worse and that signal was issued in the form of a dream.
Our subconscious mind is very powerful and often gives us forewarning of things we may not be aware of. I once test drove a 2nd hand car and something, which I couldn't for he life of me put my finger on, was niggling away at me. The car was parked against he flow of traffic when a junction perhaps fifty yards up the road made it easy to park with the flow of traffic. Anyway I drove the car, loved it and was going to make a purchase. But when I drove the car back to the garage I drove up to the junction further on to turn around and park in the direction of the flow of traffic. (The passenger side, rather than the drivers side of the car was now facing the forecourt). When I got out and looked again I realize the front wing (fender in the US) was warped. Because the car had been parked against the flow of traffic on a busy main road, my subconscious was signalled that something was "off". The car was parked that way to avoid customers on the forecourt side of the road seeing the damage.
I think in this instance you have subconsciously realized what is happening before becoming consciously aware of it. This guys actions and words don't ring true and seem to suggest he is only after one thing. The way you have described him makes it sound like he wants your body.
How you decide to proceed is your business.
Mark
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